I'm Out

This is a coming out of sorts, though much less personal, challenging, and life changing as the one millions of gay Americans have faced. Yet it is similar in some ways- burdened by fears of being ostracized, questioning whether it is just easier to stay silent and live a lie. But I have realized two things over the last few years - the value of scrutinizing accepted norms and authority (whether they be cultural, relational, governmental or spiritual), and being quiet in the face of injustice; while it may bring you short term peace, also brings feelings of being stifled and living an inauthentic and shallow life. I have an opportunity, however small, to provoke thoughtful discussion and introspection within my circle of Christian acquaintances, and I feel obligated to do so.

For many Christians across America, the issue of marriage equality is cut and dry:
The bible says that homosexuality is sin, so enabling gay Americans to marry is wrong. It is condoning or legitimizing sin. I think it really is that simple for most.Yet there are many reasons that I feel this belief is deeply flawed, and I want to challenge my brothers and sisters to open their minds and reconsider this position.

I want to touch briefly on an issue that many atheists and the formerly faithful have with the bible, with us, and it's validity - especially in this argument. That is the willful disregard for parts of the bible that are difficult to comprehend or execute, while embracing the parts that feel right or good. As an example - the Old Testament tells us that tattooing is prohibited, that haircuts are prohibited, that a menstruating woman should live outside the city limits in a tent during her monthly so as not to contaminate anyone, that you may not lift a finger on the seventh day of the week, that you shouldn't drool over your neighbor's new car, and that eating meat from an animal with a split hoof is deplorable (sorry Christians, no more bacon!) And of course most of those, and scads of other requirements, suggestions, and laws are disregarded today because, Christians say, they were rules for a different people group in a different time. (Yet they will still embrace Leviticus 18:22, and 20:13 whole heartedly). So then perhaps the New Testament is all that should be followed - in that case women should never wear jewelry, cannot sit in church service with the men, should not be in a clergy or leadership position, and if I sin by looking at porn - I should cut my eyes out. These are just a few examples of how inerrant scripture is selectively read by believers. Each Christian is guilty of manipulating the text to support their own desires and whims at times. And how we choose to interpret, believe and apply is very often decided by religious leaders, spiritual movements and culture. At one time, Christians around the world whole heartedly supported slavery and segregation - and used the bible to justify it. I argue that we are living in similar times now, and that those who crowd the steps of courthouses around the nation, holding signs that share messages of condemnation for the estimated 1 in 5 Americans who are gay, will live to regret it. I predict that all of you who are "defending marriage" on religious grounds are going to be on the wrong side of history. And hopefully will look back in 30 years with disdain at your bigotry and realize that people can no more choose to be gay than they can choose to be black.  What I am suggesting is that you not simply accept every word that falls from the lips of your pastor, or the radio evangelist or your favorite author. But to read your sacred text with an open mind, and curiosity. It is not a sin to question. God made your beautiful intelligent mind - use it to think for yourself.

But my aim isn't to convince you that homosexuality isn't sin, because that actually has little to do with why DOMA should be repealed. While there are so many arguments and angles to this debate that I cannot address them here, I want to address human rights, individual freedom and ethics. Because, whether you are religious or not, that really has to be the focus of the conversation. So I will lay out a few simple reasons below, illustrating why all Christians should be fighting for human rights, not squashing them.

1) Jesus wouldn't care. Jesus lived during the reign of one of the most corrupt governments in history. Yet every time his disciples, religious teachers and rowdy crowds tried to incite in him to some sort of action against the government, he never took the bait. (such as in Mark 12: 13-17) He encouraged social justice - calling on all of us to love our neighbors, to care for the less fortunate, to honor God and to reject sin in our own lives. But, he also knew that the governments we'd be living under would not mirror our beliefs and he never once encouraged his followers to get involved in politics, and illustrated that we are not to act as citizens of this world, but of the next. (see John 17:14, John 18:36)

2) This isn't your church:

You know what Christians? You are not the only people who live here. And you don't get to play moral police with the millions of Americans who don't subscribe to your belief system. Is that the country you want? Sure - as long as it serves your interest, right? But what if churches and religious schools were outlawed? What if the government took over the airwaves and removed Christian radio and television? We have an obligation as citizens to fight for freedom - to keep it alive and healthy. The idea of the freedoms guaranteed in the Constitution is that all Americans regardless of race, age, gender or religion should have access to the same rights. Not conditional rights - if you choose to look and breathe and live like such and so, but inherent inalienable rights. When you limit the rights of others, you are setting precedents that will someday lead to the removal of your own.

3) Laws are in place to protect us from one another. The laws of this land should stop just short of infringing upon the freedom to choose for myself. I have the right to get drunk as a skunk every night if I want to. I do not have the right to drive a vehicle afterward, because then I infringe on my neighbor's right to life and safety. I don't want the government to protect me from myself, and in all honesty - you probably don't either. We should all be able to live the lives we feel are best so long as they don't harm anyone else. Many religious people argue that gay marriage harms society, but I have yet to see any valid argument or study about why that is a reasonable presumption.

4) What do you care? Really? What skin is it off your nose that the lesbian couple next door gets a piece of paper and tax benefits that you have and enjoy, versus simply co-habitating forever? Do you think that by keeping DOMA in place, and by voting down states rights to same sex marriage, that you are going to eradicate homosexuality? And why would you try? As I recall - Jesus said something about removing the deck board from your own eye before you try and take the splinter out of your neighbor's. How's this - you worry about your everlasting soul, and let others work out their own salvation. Your responsbilitity as a believer is limited to loving God, loving others, and telling people about the love of a God who sent his only son to rescue you. That's it. You do not have to judge, parent, or play moral authority with every person you meet. That is nowhere in your job description. And really, all you do by standing against people in judgement, is turn them off from a God who desperately loves them and wants to be in relationship with them, and leave your own fool self open for judgement.

I am not asking you to change your mind about what is sin and what isn't sin. I am simply asking that you take your feelings out of your political beliefs and consider this very concise statement from blogger, the Church-State Guy that sums everything I've said up very nicely:

"Probably the simplest, lowest-common-denominator explanation for evangelical support for same-sex marriage:
"You can believe homosexuality is a sin and still believe that same-sex marriage should be legal." -- Pastor Tim Keller
Separation of civil rights from doctrinal teaching. That's how people of faith need to understand the 1st Amendment. It's NOT the right to fight for your government to be "religious", it's fighting for your government to stay secular in order to enable ALL OF US to be religious."


There - I'm out. I am a recovering Fundamentalist Christian who believes that homosexuality is innate and not choice, who believes that my opinion on the moral implication of practicing homosexuality is completely irrelevant, and that gays should have the same right to the joy and misery of marriage as the rest of us.

Purple Land

Apparently after the re-election of Barack Obama, 23 states petitioned the US government to secede from the union, proposing to form little countries with their own governance. I don't entirely hate this idea. In fact, I had this very idea the morning after the election myself. Now, don't get me wrong - I don't think Mittens was much better for this country than the Big O. Different, certainly, but not much better. The problem with all this partisan BS is that there really are 2 base constituencies and a smallish pile of folks who are caught in the middle. What the real issue is, is that if your guy wins, my interests aren't represented, and my concerns addressed. And if my guy wins - the same happens to you. It is utter arrogance on the part of either group to say that their needs or wants are better, more valuable, or the "right" way to do things. Unfortunately for all of us - we don't get the America we want, we get the one we have. That includes a whole heap of people that don't look like you, act like you, believe like you, shop where you shop, or make decisions that you would make - yet they are no less valuable. I want things to be fair. I want everyone to be represented. Secession, to me, seems like the best option to represent the concerns of every American. It would never ever happen in a million years, but it is worth discussing. Here is my idea for three different countries:

Red Land

• Mostly white, mostly Christian (we won't hold it against you if you aren't, so long as you are comfortable to say the pledge as it was written, allow crosses and bible quotations in traditional places, say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays", teach creationism along with evolution, teach abstinence instead of safe sex, and base all law making decisions on the classic protestant conservative interpretation of the bible.)
• Laws are designed to protect the people from one another only. Free to carry guns, protect your property and family under any circumstances by any means necessary. No property maintenance standards, seat belt and helmet laws are repealed, etc.
• Free from the tyranny of high property, school, state, federal income and SS tax. A bare minimum of fees are paid to continue law enforcement, fire protection, military, and governence services, and to support infrastructure such as road improvements and winter salting. 
• No freebies or government handouts - no food for low income families, no housing for homeless, no free medical coverage for grandma. No emergency assistance, disability, unemployment insurance. A survival of the fittest model.
• No illegal aliens allowed under any circumstances. A physical barrier exists between Red Land and the rest of society that is guarded 24/7 at every point of entry. Immigration is near impossible.
• Few services offered - parks and green spaces are maintained on a volunteer basis only, libraries are not free for residents, you will be turned away at the hospital for non-payment, festivals and fireworks and special events are by residents' choice and funded by citizens.
• The environment is used as a welcome mat for people to wipe their feet on, with no concern for the misuse or overuse of land and nonrenewable resources.

Blue Land

• A mix of colors and religions (The most difficult color and religion to be is white Christian, but we will accept you so long as you agree to read your bible in your house under a blanket with all the lights out, and never ever express your intolerant ignorant faith in public.) All other religions accepted and celebrated, but any mention of a Christian God is strictly forbidden in public places. White people are still considered "the man" in many circles.
• Laws are made to protect citizens from themselves. It is illegal not to have health care or offer it in your workplace, you cannot text and drive, eat salty fatty food, smoke or use illicit drugs. You can however marry whom you want, do what you want with your uterus (if you have one), and the government will ensure that you can afford to have safe sex. All workplaces forced to offer 6 months maternity and 3 months paternity leave, childcare is provided by every company larger than 30 employees for free.
• High local and federal taxes under the wealth re-distribution program. CEOs have a cap on their annual salary, the rich pay 60% of their income in taxes. The weak, infirm, elderly, and helpless are cared for in every necessity or non-necessity.
• Borders are open - people can come and go as they please, receive public assistance, speak whatever language suits them, emigrating is easy and permanent residence is granted to anyone who applies.
• Tons of services are offered - libraries are top notch, public events are extravagant, parks are abundant and well staffed.
• The environment is practically deity and is protected at all costs and put above the needs of the citizens.

Purple Land

• Mostly young people (color and religion is irrelevant, however they are mostly white and liberal protestant. You can talk about God if you want to, or not - Purple residents don't really care.)
• Laws are made to protect residents from one another only, constitutionally free. Marriage is legal between consenting adults of any gender, abortion is legal, illicit drug use is legal. Property owners can do what they want on their property and in their vehicle if it does not infringe on another's right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Gun laws are loose.
• Modest school, property, and federal taxes to continue basic services, and protect the smallest and weakest among us. When budgets don't balance, belts are tightened and services cut temporarily. Citizens are empowered to provide willingly towards community needs. Fair tax rates based on a sliding scale.
• Borders are closed and protected, but the legal entry process is short and thorough. Citizenship is granted towards those who can demonstrate their ability to benefit society, or those seeking asylum from war torn nations.
• Modest amount of services are offered such as tended green spaces and holiday parades.
• The needs of the environment are balanced with the needs of the people.

Now, where do you think I live? And, did I offend you, both red and blue? Good. I am an equal opportunity offender. The answer to this problem is not that we divide, in my opinion it is that we all decide we want to live in purple land - where we abide by the Constitution of the United States, that grants us freedom. A freedom to speak, to protect, to be happy, make our own way, to not be discriminated against, to enjoy the lives we've been given free from tyranny. I, a middleton, and many on the right feel like we are living under a tyrannical government, and fear, that in the not too distant future, we as a nation will be so bankrupt, it will be impossible to succeed or make our own way in life. I don't want big brother looking out for me, do you? Really? What would our forefathers think of our laws, our taxation, our so called "freedoms"?

If you are on one side or another - wanting to pursue a model of light socialism, like many of the northern European countries have, or a model of Judeo-Christian based laws that are wrapped up in "personal responsibility", I challenge you to think about your neighbors - their views, beliefs and rights. And consider that the way forward isn't majority wins and minority pouts and threatens to move to Brazil, but to cross the street and meet in the middle. Let's see where we can agree. How we can live in an America that the founding fathers dreamed of - a safe and protected, fiscally sound nation of industrious souls, who are accepting and tolerant of religious, moral, and racial differences? Who have the freedom to make a personal choice that our neighbor might not make? Who protect the weakest among us, and take pride in helping that very small minority? It sounds beautiful. Why can't we live there? Because most every citizen of this country is trying to reside in either Red Land or Blue Land. But you know what I suspect would happen? Once they got there...
they'd hate it.

Mirror, Mirror

I have a question. Have any of you 30, 40...or even 20 something ladies just thrown up your hands and decided to let your hair go gray? I have been thinking about it more lately myself, and I wonder what the experience has been for you. You see, I have a cluster of silver hair, right in the front of my hairline, and of course, concentrated around my natural part. Besides that, my true hair color is this indescribable shade of dull gray brown and I have been coloring since the age of 15. But I have grown weary of it, and was wondering....should I just let it go?

It's no secret that in the past few years my personal style has devolved into dressing solely for modesty, comfort and temperature control. Sometimes I look around and feel bad about that, other times I see people wearing tight jeans and high heels and tailored shirts and think: God, you look so uncomfortable. At first I began wearing more unstructured clothing because I was lazy and had gained a few pounds. Now, it is a cognizant choice that I make. Why live in discomfort? Why be cold or hot or crammed into something or worried about spilling or getting dirty? A friend of mine joked that I was like a superhero in my costume - "Exercise Girl". I am constantly dressed for action - to launch into a run, or push back into down dog at any moment!

Sometimes I think about all the time that women spend painting and buffing and polishing and clipping. Getting tanned, manicured, dyed and trimmed, making up a face and ironing hair, and I wonder what the point is. I wonder if on my deathbed I'll be lamenting that I didn't spend more time waxing my eyebrows? Or wearing a pushup bra? Or having my highlights retouched? According to a British survey, the average woman spends 91 HOURS per year grooming herself. That averages 43 weeks over a lifetime. Nearly ten straight months of life. And of course, that is the English...is there any doubt that the American total would be much higher?

Now don't get me wrong, I am not advocating dreadlocks and dirty feet for all. I love my daily (sometimes twice daily) showers, I like deodorant, and need moisturizer or I'll itch myself silly. Neat and tidy and pleasant smelling doesn't take too much time and effort. And I understand that some of you have to work with the public or in the business world and must, at the very least, be presentable - with a modest amount of clipping and preening for the workplace. Or perhaps you are trying to find a mate, or your husband has exacting tastes and you risk your relational happiness by wearing yoga pants 6 days a week. I understand, and my condolences. But for the rest of you ladies, I want to challenge you to monitor exactly how much time you spend buffing your feet, exfoliating your face, styling your mane and staring in the mirror for ONE WEEK. Perhaps you can even sit down with a calculator and determine how much money you spend on your personal upkeep per month. And also, mull over these few things:

• No one cares about your dry heels or stray eyebrow hairs as much as you do... they probably don't even notice
• Many of the things we women think we are doing to please men, they don't notice and couldn't care less about. Does any man LIKE fake nails? A face caked with makeup? Complicated outfits?
• There is a better use of your time and energy than dwelling on your appearance for too long. Imagine yourself recieving a terminal cancer diagnoses today. Does running out of your favorite eyeliner even rank as a problem any longer?
• I believe that women mainly dress and preen to impress or outdo one another, or because their self esteem is based too much on their appearance. Think about why YOU spend so much time and money on your hair and wardrobe.

Maybe after giving this a few moments of thought you have decided that I am just being a lazy pig and you will keep your concealer handy thank you very much. Or maybe, like me, you'll start to view makeup, hairstyles and uncomfortable clothing (clothes that feel uncomfortable, you cannot move in, do not adequately cover or uncover you for the weather, or prevent you from bending, stooping, running, climbing or stretching) as something you consider for special evenings out, church or social engagements, and you choose, like me, to rock those cotton/spandex blends and ponytails most of the time. Either way, it's worth considering.

As for my gray hair? I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. Because as much as I hate to admit it... I haven't lost all vanity either.

Thinking about Sunday

It's Thursday. I am already thinking about Sunday. Will I drag my kids to another new church, that they inevitably will not enjoy? Do I go alone? Do I make another excuse about why I can't go at all? When the real reason I don't want to go is because I have grown so cynical, so frustrated with the lot of them that it pains me to just sit there without turning the service into Mystery Science Theater 3000 - complete with running diatribe of exasperated sighs, snarky comments, and catalog of gripes?

I have felt painfully alone throughout this journey away from my old church, having to discontinue attending the church-based small group, face questions from my kids about why we can't go to this or that "fun" church where they give out cookies and entertain them with puppet shows and a rock concert atmosphere, and go on an entirely separate faith journey than the one my spouse is currently on. I have quizzed every Christian I've come across about where they attend and why, searching for that Holy Spirit light bulb moment inside myself, and come away with nothing. I don't miss any specific church, yet I desperately do miss the fellowship of congregation - not feeling so utterly alone in my faith in something bigger than myself. I miss it for my kids, who have always enjoyed attending, and have found their own genuine and innocent faith in God. The worst of it is, I am not sure that there is a home for me, a place for a woman caught between liberal protestantism and evangelical conservatism. I don't think I am acceptable to either side, yet aligning myself with a new church would force me into a decision that cannot be made.

I thought I was the only one, until I stumbled across this blog, and the absolutely lovely comments that follow. It gave words to so many things I'd been thinking and feeling about my place, my beliefs, and the grace we all need for one another. The plain truth is that I don't fit anymore. I used to toe the line, but now I cannot. I used to be able to swallow it and censor myself, but more and more I feel called to challenge these old norms modern Christians embrace. To think and question, not the faith itself, but the execution of it. What is at the core, and what is ancillary? I've been pondering where I fit, what denomination I should investigate, and come away realizing that there is nowhere to focus my search.

I don't belong with conservative evangelicals because:

• I don't believe religious people should flex political muscle regarding matters that should be decided on by the individual, such as personal moral choices
• I don't believe that the only point of Christ's life was to forgive sins
• I don't believe it's morally enough to say you are forgiven, and do nothing about living better
• I don't want to be a part of a church that makes people of different races, languages, backgrounds, abilities, incomes and sexual preferences feel unwelcome and unloved by their Creator
• I don't want a list of rules to follow regarding dress, conduct, and gender roles
• I don't want to be part of a church that doesn't recognize the valuable contribution women can make to a dialogue or leadership, that silences women, and ascribes less value to their voices, needs, and opinions
• I do not think it is okay to abandon the less fortunate to their own fate
• I do not think God's goal for our lives is to be happy, comfortable and materially blessed
• I do not believe in a 6,000 year earth
• I do not believe that you can check your brain at the door when interpreting the bible
• I believe in grace for our differences, and that I am incapable of knowing everything or having a lock on the truth

I don't belong with the liberal protestants because:

• I believe Jesus came for more than to simply teach us to lead a good life
• I believe in Christ's literal resurrection, and the resurrection of all the dead
• I believe that the Holy Spirit is alive and well in believers, guiding, teaching and encouraging and that through prayer people can be healed and lives can be changed
• I believe God is actively, intimately invested in our life and choices
• I believe in a lively worship of a living God
• I reject tradition for tradition's sake
• I like to read the bible on my own time, want to hear (even obscure passages) taught in church, and expect church leadership to encourage it's members to do the same
• I do not believe in infant baptism
• I do not believe ceremony is what makes us clean or acceptable
• I do not believe our mission on earth is just to "be good"
• I believe in hell, the devil, and evil spirits 

Choosing is impossible, and in recent years I've just been forced to masquerade around certain people, pick apart a sermon on my own time, and practice grace for the people around me who have no idea what is going on in my faith journey. I have challenged, and been faced with bigotry and arguing, and worse - pity and condescension. When all I desperately want is to bridge the gap. To find a church of misfits who accept one another, work in their communities, and preach the forgiveness of sin through the sacrifice of Jesus. A church that doesn't have it's eye on bigger and better and more and fancier and world domination, but on humility and service and humble acceptance. A church that stands apart from, yet opens up to, the world around itself.

Yet I know no such place exists. And you wonder why they hate us - society, that is. We humiliate ourselves with our intolerance, and adherence to our own Gospel. We embarrass ourselves with our political rancor and narrow mindedness. We miss the most obvious truths of our faith while we are hyper focused on enforcing obscurities like how women should dress, how much of our income to hand over to the church, and what people should do in their bedroom. We fail and fail and fail again at looking outside of our own lives to see where we can build up and heal instead of tear down. Individuals do it, and evangelical churches do it - leading by providing no example. Caught up in the "business of church".

Still, even without a church home, a reinforcing network of believers, or any structure - God is near. He is not in a building, or a set of dictums or only available through ceremony. He is always beside us. And the most holy moment I have had in the last 6 months came when I was on the run, of all places. My legs had taken me down to the litter strewn, and funky shore of Lake Ontario at sunset. As I ran along, I watched a light show of colors, changing moment by moment as it played with the low clouds over the water. I saw the way the waves broke along the sand, and the juxtaposition of trees just changing color for the season against that purple and orange sky, and I felt well up in me the very presence of God. In awe of His beautiful creation, in awe of the legs to run through it, the eyes to see it, marveling at the wonder of what the next world must look like, if this broken one contained such beauty. I felt watched by Him, loved by Him and very very grateful. Finding Him in these beautiful moments is enough for right now as I daily fight against my cynicism and look for good and hope again. To give up my hope is to give myself over to the darkness, and that is a place I will not go, because that is the one place that God is not.

A Changed Life

My husband Jim and I must have a similar gene. The first time either of us had thought about a mountain in reference to ourselves climbing one, was at the exact same moment. We were taking a course in cross country skiing (it's safe to say that was our last time on skis) when our guide told us a bit about what his organization does in leading expeditions and adventure vacations all around the world. For example, he was going to lead a team in climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro next summer. When he said this, something clicked inside of me...and at the same moment, something was clicking inside of Jim. Like we had come under hynosis: must. climb. mountain. For his part, Jim promptly began watching documentaries about Everest. I of course, encouraged him to start smaller. Kilimanjaro? Mt. Whitney? No - how about the Adirondacks? If you can climb Mt. Marcy and enjoy it, then maybe we'll talk about more. Our first little climbs turned into Jim pursuing Mt. Washington, home of the most violent weather in the world, in winter. He was hooked.

It's hard to say what draws man to the mountains, but as the old saying goes "there's something about the outside of a mountain that is good for the inside of a man". Who hasn't laid their eyes on a mountain and felt the inexplicable pull to be on it? To be striving and sweating and crawling, to stand atop it and conquer, not it, but yourself? As John Muir, the famous naturalist once said, "The mountains are calling, and I must go."

This August, Backpacker Magazine ran a feature on an expedition they were putting together to climb Mt. Whitney, the highest mountain in the lower 48 states, in April 2013 (a winter summit). They would pick a few readers to guide, in exchange for their fundraising efforts for Big City Mountaineers. BCM is an incredible organization that takes at risk inner city kids out into the wilderness to backpack, paddle and climb for one week trips. These kids are mostly from single parent homes, living below the poverty level, who are pummeled on all sides by bad influences and the twisted messages of violence, crime and drugs. The charity is a perfect fit for Jim, who is an inner city landlord, that witnesses day in and out the effects of these risks on the real people that he interacts with. And he has experienced the effects that the wilderness has on one's soul- the self sufficiency you develop, seeing your fragility in the face of nature, learning the problem solving skills needed to live and move out of doors; far from assistance, and the changing effect of communion with unspoiled beauty. These children are taken on single gender, back country trips on a one to one ratio of guides to kids, and the mission has proved to be changing for thousands of children since the charity launched in 1989. I encouraged Jim to apply. Out of thousands, only 50 would be picked.

And he was one of them.

If you know Jim, you'd join me in recognizing that he is incredibly generous with his time. money and abilities, and never hesitates to help someone who is in need. What an incredible opportunity you have to pay him back for something he has done for you. Or if you've never met Jim, what a blessing you can be to these kids - to get them out of the ghetto and out into the wild. If you are reading my blog, you likely are an adventure runner/ hiker, like me. Can you imagine if you didn't have it in your life - the ability to go, or even the wherewithall to know what you were missing? Let's give these children a chance to see the beauty of creation and gain a self confidence they never thought possible, and give Jim the opportunity to see the lower 48 states from their highest point.

Go here to donate to this worthy cause, and find out more about BCM by watching the video below. Thanks friends.
Climb on.

Sister

I know a bit about blindsides. I've been dumped. Fired. Lost a school and a church. Watched my kids lose their's. I've been lied to, ambushed, had the rug pulled out from underneath. Just like you. So you would think I'd have learned a lesson, and begun living with the expectation that nothing stays in stasis. Still, my heart was utterly unprepared when my big sister, my only sister, told me this June that her husband was being transferred to Louisiana for work . Louisiana is very far from New York. This morning we drove to the airport and said goodbye.

No, I am not going to have a woe is me party because there are people in real crisis right now. My sister and precious nephew and brother in law are alive and healthy, they will just be too far to see when I want to. I am bereft by their leaving but I will not bore you with my whining. I only came to pay tribute to sibling relationship, so that we can all count our blessings should we be so lucky to have one.

My past is not my own. It is only in my sister's confirmation when I realize that childhood wasn't a dream. I can tell my husband about the fear, but Wendy lived it with me. I can tell about the fighting, but who knows better than my opponent? I could explain the loneliness of a fat child, but she sat beside me and ate. I could tell you of roundhouse kicks to the stomach, scratches, slaps, hair pulls, vicious names, and screaming at the top of our lungs - unleashing all of our little girl pain on one another, but only she hurt with me. I could tell you about the longing to escape isolation, rejection, depression, abuse.. but only she pined with me.

I can tell you about the bullying that had me frightened to wake up each day, but only Wendy marched onto the bus and threatened my accusers. I can tell you about waking at night, crossing the hallway and knocking on her bedroom door, but only she threw back the covers and let my cold feet touch hers. I can tell you about lying against the rattling floorboards listening to the shouts from below with dread, but only she lay next to me and put an arm across my shoulders. Only she sat at the top of the stairs listening, waiting for some invisible axe to fall with me. Only she met me in the hallway early on Christmas morning to shake presents and hold vigil for our parents to wake. Only she breathed sighs of relief with me, covered for me or threw me under the bus, included me or excluded me freely. Only I know how much I wanted to be like her, to be her - to be smarter and more beautiful and better liked. To not be so fragile, so out of control, so afraid of everything. To be stable and sure and smart and make everyone proud, like Wendy.

And as we grew and our differences became apparent, we drifted apart and back together, apart and back together again. There is no one that will speak or hear such horrible and finite things, that you would as readily welcome back in, as sister. There is no one who loves and hates the people who raised you, like sister. There is no one whom you trust to love your children better, than sister. Your life with sister is not linear, a ball rolling down a hill, but more like 2 balls trapped inside a square - sometimes together, sometimes apart - colliding, glancing off one another. Sometimes hurting, sometimes helping - but always together. Except when you are not. And now, we are not.

My sister bears the most witness to my life - all of it. Not even my husband or parents have seen as much ugly from me, as much vulnerability, as much triumph and joy. When my parents shunned me, or I them - there was always sister. My comrade forever, no matter what the fight. Our focus has turned from the stress of youth and petty arguing to worrying over those who once worried over us, and caring for children who will one day drive us mad, reject us, and break our hearts.

I expected I would have the opportunity to raise our kids in community, but despite my hopes, she took little Joey with her this morning and I am an empty armed auntie. Yet, I know that love is not a respecter of geography, and we are still comrades no matter where we call home. If you have a sibling, you can testify that no matter how tense the relationship has ever been, there is no one who knows your heart's foundation like he or she. The part of you that deeply remembers being a child, a part that is in your bones, and that you can feel as clearly now as when you were 4. The secrets, the whispers, the frights and hope. No one but sister knows what you know. I love you sister, no matter where you go or what life brings. Always.

From One Big Mouth to Another

Here's the thing: the guy was right.

Jennifer Livingston, the Wisconsin TV anchor who was famously sent an accusatory email about her personal responsibility as a public figure to be a healthier weight, is fat. And, because she is on TV for a living, people do get to look at her far more than they look at you and I. Does her very presence on television and professional success validate an unhealthy lifestyle? That is probably taking things too far. Perhaps this Kenneth Krause is bigoted against the overweight. Or he has a personal vendeta because one time a heavy person did him wrong, or maybe he used to be big himself. Anyway - he's  right. Jennifer is obese. Maybe she should be a better example to her viewers, family and friends. Maybe she should care more about her health or get help for disordered eating. But, the problem is - no one asked Ken Krause. It doesn't matter if his opinion is objectively right, what matters is that it ain't his dang business. So, Ken, this is for you:

Dear Mr. Krause,
I am a big mouth. I have spent damn near most of my life speaking to people like the ubiquitous stumbling sot, with exclamations of , "Let me tell ya what yer problem is...". I spent years on a personal mission to make others believe, think and behave the way I thought they should, while I carried on my own merry way with a host of issues, insecurities and baggage. I am fighter. I have always been a fighter. I have picked on people and picked fights with people. And sometimes, my position has been objectively "right". Hell, I even did what you did a couple years ago - I famously wrote a blog post addressed to an extremely obese woman who I saw motoring around Wal-mart on a little cart. I told her that I was disgusted that she was taking a cart away from a "real" handicapped person, a person who was disabled through no fault of their own. I begged her to get in shape and begin living. And I hurt a lot of people who read the piece and saw my insensitivity towards her and towards those like her. And she is not the only one - my mouth has driven away family, friends, acquaintances. Turned off employers, embarrassed my husband and parents. I have caused deep rifts, immense pain, and brought great shame on myself. All in the name of being right.

A dear friend recently made me see the gift of being a forceful oppinionated person who can express herself. Considering how many people in this world are bullied, abused and have no voice - it truly is a gift to be able and willing to speak. And that drive in you is God given, it is inbuilt in your DNA. So, while I am not asking you to be silent, which would squelch your very essence, I am imploring you to choose your battles differently. You want to speak? Challenge those with prejudices who harm others. Challenge corrupt government authority, crooked religious leaders, oppressors. You want to fight - fight for human rights and dignity. You have an aching need to be heard - use your voice to speak for good. If your personal crusade is to blot out obesity - why not try volunteering your time to an after school intramural program for kids. Or donate your athletic prowess as a triathlete to teach free classes at the town rec center. Do something good with that big stinking mouth of yours. And you can start by apologizing to Mrs. Livingston.

As a person who was formerly more than 100 pounds overweight, I can tell you that she didn't need you to point out her weight problem. Trust me, she knows. Every morning when she wakes up and slides on a skirt that has a double digit size, she faces it. Stepping out of the shower and looking down, putting on her makeup, hugging her husband, and seeing a thin woman walk into the room all remind her of how big she is. Nearly every moment of every single day her weight hangs like a black cloud over her, even when she is not consciously thinking of it, it is always there like a shadow. And you didn't help. Telling her just hurts her more than she already does. Your comments, while probably true, were not in the least bit helpful. A scenario I have faced again and again. The battle to either share everything I think, or share only what is valuable is a war I wage everyday. These days the voice for good does more than the voice for harm, but it will always be a fight. I am asking you, from one big mouth to another to shut up, and listen for once. Allow yourself to learn this lesson before you trample someone else. And apologize to that woman.

                                                                                                     Kind regards,
                                                                                                                  Shel