evolution in (my) running, and a confession

first, the confession: my next race is the Hinson Lake 24 Hour.
hello, my name is shelley, and i am addicted to timed races.

why was this a secret? i dunno. well, i do maybe, but i don't want to talk about it. let's just say that the last time i tried to do something so silly i had a) very little fun b) a lot of pain c) a mountain of disappointment in myself d) a run in with a few members of an elusive, endangered species: the rude and nasty ultrarunner.
the idea of doing this again was so far out of my consciousness that i figured it would never happen. it wasn't like labor. i didn't forget the pain nor did i desire redemption. so, why i am doing this again is beyond anything i can humanly measure and instead i'll simply blame it on God. i will offer no further explanation, for fear of boring you to tears.

after NC 2010 - can you see the exhaustion, disappointment
and pain in my face? if i try hard, i can still feel it

second, i want to address an evolution in my running that should have me running scared of such another big race, but instead has me pleasantly looking forward. to date this year i have run hundreds less miles than last year. i have done fewer long runs. i have woken up much later on most days. i have skipped workouts and hit the snooze button. i am 6 lbs heavier. and i am cross training about 4 hours less each week. while i should be frightened of all of this, i'm not. i have hit upon something - i am running exactly as many miles each week as makes me happy.

no longer am i in a state of constant grouchy sleep deprivation. no longer is my self worth tied up in my dailymile stats. and no longer am i dreaming about my race day heroics. i am looking forward to a pleasant day and night in the woods, in my favorite state of the union, with my husband and 200 potential new friends. there will be low points and high points and dancing and eating and singing and relentless forward motion. most of all i am looking for fun, because fun is what the whole thing is for.

when i only ran 90 miles at Northcoast last year, i felt like i had wasted all those hours of training and planning. it wasn't good enough, and worst of all - i didn't enjoy the race. what a shame to have put all the effort in, for what amounted in my mind, to nothing but lingering pain, and humiliation. running took over my life, less so than the year prior, but it still was in the driver's seat. my family suffered from my constant exhaustion, and my runs were a chore. the long runs were always fun, and remain to this day, my favorite workout each week, but the rest of it was wasted in my opinion, especially because i am not a good runner. i may never be a good runner. a person, such as myself, who is not naturally gifted has to work unbelievably hard to overcome that and make up the difference. i have discovered that as much time and energy as i have to give, isn't enough - so why suffer?

i have decided to run for me. finally. i have decided to run happy, and do the best with what i have. i do my specific workouts that will prepare my muscles for the race at hand, and do just enough running so that i can finish and still be smiling, and not a lick more. if i were single, and had all the time in the world to devote to myself - i'd run every afternoon. but i am not, and as it is, my running has exacted a price from my family, and an even higher one in me- paid out in exhaustion, dashed hopes and mental turmoil. i won't do this anymore. i'm not interested in fighting to be somebody, i already AM somebody.

one day, when my kids are grown and jim and i are enjoying a peaceful life with endless summer days stretching before us, perhaps he and i will go out and run hard every day. we'll try to be our very best, recognizing the cost is minimal compared to the reward. right now, i am missing some of the most wonderful experiences in life, in my family and my running, because i have been caught in a net of trying to be something else - a great runner. to truly embrace being 'just a participant' means letting go of the useless pressure, and the emotional beatings. and i am finally ready for that evolution to be complete.

run happy.
run on.