Lost: irreplaceable lip pencil

i had it for an embarrassingly long time. so long, i dare not tell you, lest you lecture me about the shelf life of makeup, micro-organisms, colorful bacterias. generally i don't go out of my way to make myself up, but every girl has the one product that they throw in their bag that we feel will make us sparkle in a pinch, and this was mine.
the color was perfect - it was the exact tone of my lips, just 2 shades darker. for a day occasion i would line my lips very lightly and then gently fill in, throw some chapstick over top to blend it - and voila! new face. i wasn't painted up like some tart, or one of the older ladies who hadn't heard that dark lip liner (bleeding into the feathery wrinkles above and below) made them look slightly crazed or like an aged ex-debutante. when i wore it i was still me, only with the volume turned up.

it was a miracle how long it had lasted. it was the type that was a bit softer, and twisted up from the bottom. no matter how many years i had it it had never threatened to run out, but i was always to frightened to twist it all the way up - wondering how i would handle it if i discovered only a centimeter left. it was a case of the loaves and the fishes - i went on faith that there would be more, and i was never disappointed. no matter how many other little tubes of gloss and balm that rattled around in the bottom of my purse, i always came back to this one. of course that product and shade have been discontinued for half a decade.

the truth is, it's not really lost. i know exactly where it is - flopping around in the bottom of my big 'mom purse'. the trouble is that the mom purse is no longer in my possession, but at the bottom of a dumpster/ sitting in stagnant 1/2 inch of water in a highway drainage ditch/ or already in a landfill.

tuesday morning, while i did the good mommy job of taking my girls for a short hike at a state park, some individual decided that he would like to have what was inside my purse, more than he wouldn't like to smash a window or be caught. i don't think he was after my lip liner.
he was after my wallet - which was chock full of goodies. basically any documentation of who i am, and all of my purchasing power. lucky thing i had my phone on me. lucky thing my girls weren't too disturbed. for all of my panic and instant anger, jim helped me work fast and put blocks on our various cards and such. i was pissed thinking about my wrecked plans for the week and all the paperwork and phone calls i had ahead of me to try and get my life back.

as i drove home (with maya in the back seat telling me she was cold and demanding i roll up my now non-existent window) i chronicled the things in my purse that were lost, besides my wallet. ralph lauren prescription sunglasses. hand sanitizer. my favorite pen. and as i continued my virtual scan, my eyes landed on the one thing that put me over the edge - from annoyance to grief - a poem my husband had written me when we were first dating. he had emailed it to me as he worked a few states away. the subject line had the words "how i feel", with the words "about you" left unsaid. it was a rare offering, because he isn't a mushy guy, which for the most part suits me fine. most other times, coming from him, the phrase "how i feel" is followed by "about the current state of the market" or "about that annoying guy at work". i was so happy to read the few lines he wrote, irreverant as they were, because i knew there was genuine affection underneath them. i printed the email out. i laminated it. it moved from purse to purse for the last 10 years. why i kept it in my purse? i'm not sure - maybe as a talisman, good luck. i could always look at it i guess, wherever i was, and know how jim felt.
until someone smashed my car window and took it from me.

i wept bitterly at the realization that it was gone. later, i cursed angrily when i knew my lip pencil was no more. for $25 cash and the tank of gas the guy was able to purchase before the cards were stopped, he caused me untold anxiety, wasted time and extra work. and he took something precious to me. irreplaceable. the first time, this new guy that i really really liked, let me know he cared about me.

we live in a world where nothing has value anymore. not car windows, not time... not people. when he rifled through my wallet and saw a picture of my babies, did he feel remorse? did he realize that i was worth more than just a quick buck because i was someone's mother? when he saw my poem, did he just cuss that it wasn't something more valuable? i console myself with the idea that when he robbed me and saw all those personal effects, perhaps he'd be touched to not do it again. but my hope is naive, because it's likely he's done it again already.

i move on. the process of obtaining my new old identity, and other various effects will be completed soon. the new window will be in today. and perhaps there is balance in the universe. perhaps i make up for his lack of regard for people, in my regard for things that are meaningful, but monetarily valueless.