firsts

the first day of first grade is not what i expected. i expected "hasta la vista, baby", instead i got "baby, please don't go".

i have been looking forward to today for, like, ever. always waxing on about the eventual freedom of school aged children, then children old enough to be left home alone, then children who fly the nest. all good in theory, until one remembers that theories are just untested ideas and i am, inside, a quivering bowl of jello. all teddy, no BEAR - no matter how i may come across.

it broke me when she presented this to us on monday

lily has been my sidekick for near 6 years now, and half day kindergarten turned out to be little more than a daily play date in which she'd come home enriched. full day school is another animal all together. for 7 hours and 20 minutes each day she will be in the direct care of a woman i met once in the bakery aisle at wegmans, and will be most influenced by 13 six year olds i barely know. instead of me being the primary moral, educational, social and spiritual captain on the boat of her life, the boat is now crowded with back seat drivers, co-pilots, hangers-on and stow aways. and there's nothing i can do about it. like it or not - today, her sails will be blown by a new wind and that is all there is to it.

a pear, leftover pizza, craisins, yogurt and a brownie. favorites for the 1st day

don't get me wrong, i adore her school and think they do a phenomenal job. i cannot be happier with the choice we have made to place our kids at NCS. but i'd be lying if i said the day weren't a bit more bitter than sweet.

inspiration courtesy of daddy after he took the girls up a small mountain this weekend

yesterday she requested that a photo of jim and i be placed in her back pack to "remember us by". save for that and all the hugs and "i'm gonna miss you"s i received yesterday - she couldn't be more excited to go back. such a joy when they are small, and learning is fun. my fears are plenty, and hers are few, which is as it should be. i made her promise to let me do the worrying while she has the fun. we high fived over it, so it's a deal.

ready for action. how cute is she in uniform?

monday, maya starts daily preschool. sigh. like i said, i swear i looked forward to this day for a very long time... to be all broken up now is too silly for words. my sadness won't last, thankfully. my sister planned for this event and kindly had herself a son 7 weeks ago. i will get my fix to care and put my energy into a small one in just a few weeks when wendy goes back to work, and my gorgeous nephew comes over to fill up my days. joy! all the cuddling and nurturing without the anxiety and sleep deprivation!

i couldn't be more proud of our girls. seriously, we've messed a lot of stuff up with them, but somehow it seems like we must've done more things right than wrong- because they are fantastic little people. and we are extremely lucky and blessed.
it's true what they said when each girl was an infant, annoyingly and repeatedly: blink and it's over. yesterday i held each fat, perfect, happy baby in my arms. i blinked. and now that time is lost forever.

waiting for the bus

if you've got your own kids- treasure where you are, each moment and God bless all my fellow mothers and fathers in mourning this week.

just like that... she's gone