loss and freedom

the only guarantee in life is constant change, or so the saying says. some is good, some not so, and some you just don't know what to make of it. i experienced 2 major changes this week and i thought i'd share what i discovered: anxiety is in the eye of the beholder.

my husband got laid off. judging by some of the reaction we recieved, you would think this was a catastrophe. so how do i go about explaining that i'm kind of, well, relieved? see, when i married jim he was a traveler. due to lack of work post 9/11, he took his electrician show on the road. i knew darn well that there would be no steadiness in our lives. he got hired and laid off. he worked in this city or that city, feast or famine. so imagine my disbelief when he got hired for a short call 5 years ago, that he would have been brought on steady! and given a truck and gas card! and a company phone! he deserved it, but how lucky can you get?
how lucky indeed? there is another saying, something about being careful what you wish for. let's just say that instead of happily skipping down the driveway in the morning with a hard hat in one hand and lunch pail in the other, he dragged himself out the door with hardly a grunt in my direction. it was obvious after a couple of years that he didn't particularly like to work there. and we did plenty of daydreaming about alternative career paths he could take.

it turns out, as my friend liz says, 'sometimes the universe will do for you what you could not do for yourself.' how come when i should be mourning the attractive paycheck and generous perks, i am rejoicing that they've been taken away? well, for starters - how about the pleasantly uncreased brow that jim is sporting? how about peace and patience and time to choose? how about the opportunity to create fulfilling work instead?

i got a few sympathy calls out of the deal. people were worried if we were okay, 'what would we do'? and i said this to a friend " everything is going to be fine. and if it's not fine now then everything will be fine later. and if it's not fine later then it'll be fine when it's over and i'm sitting around in heaven slapping my knee wondering why anyone would have wasted energy on something so trivial as a lost job." see, even though i knew our life would always be in flux, i never for once thought jim was a risk. i loved him enough that i would have taken a risk anyway, but he is bright, resourceful, hardworking and we both have "survivor" mentalities. i was pretty certain he'd never let us fall. but i am really certain that God will never let us fall. even if the elevator plummets halfway (as lessons sometimes need to be taught the very hard way), it would never crash to the ground floor. i don't trust jim to keep a roof over our heads, i trust God. somehow that makes you feel a lot safer. God is driving the car and jim is his wingman? that's a winning team right there. no worries on this end.

and in it's place - peace. hope. hope that my husband will find something more challenging, more engaging, more thoroughly enjoyable for himself to do with his time.


also creating waves around my household is the general lack of children. with little people off to learn the ways of math and sharing and playdough and computers, i am left with a decadent amount of time to MYSELF. oh yes, i had time for myself before. in the pre-dawn hours. or after they went to bed. when jim or my mom would take over while i exercised or went to an appointment. but all of those things were completed with an undercurrent of guilt, sometimes so strong that it would ruin what i was trying to do. the guilt of a mother is pervasive and choking. leaving them with someone else, anyone else, even their father(!) was a moral failing on my part. it is MY job. i have to take complete responsibility for them alone. it is not a choice i made, the guilt made it's demand of me and i acquiesced.

but now. has this been the most personally enjoyable week i've experienced in 6 years? in fact, it may well be. forget vacations and races and peaceful scenery and beautiful dates with my husband. i had truly forgotten what it felt like to be free. that is the one thing they fail to mention when you have a baby - that you have lost your personal freedom. freedom to choose when to take a shower or run an errand. freedom to waste time or to be productive. everything you do is at the mercy of those who are more important than you. and if i left them with someone else it was because i was a selfish woman. weak. i shouldn't need personal space. or want to have a hobby.
school, though, is different. they are SUPPOSED to go to school. i didn't enroll them because i am self involved and needy. it is just what you do. you send your children to school! and gratefully, they adore going there! could not love it more! perfect. so this week, while my tasks may have seemed mundane - groceries, bank, getting the car detailed, running, cleaning, hiking, yoga - they have been done with a spirit that once felt as heavy as lead and now soars, as light as a feather.

though some would be sad to see the life they had carved out with their small children change so dramatically, or be deeply troubled by the loss of a steady good paying job, i can see the blessings in these changes more easily than i can see their dark side. life is all in what you make of it.

make the most of it.