terrible twos and running shoes

i've had an affair on you

2012-01-16T11:47:00.005-05:00

i read an interesting book that a good friend lent me. the book was by ann lamot, and a bit different from her usual fare. it was a collection of instructional essays (called Bird by Bird), pulled from her lessons as creative writing teacher. i was very shocked by it and found it wildly helpful to know that published authors don't sit down with a proper idea and completed framework in mind and bang out these lyrical, interesting tales on the first go through, with only minor grammatical editing at the end. which, of course, is what i had imagined. i have always admired good writing, and thought of it as a gift. but come to find out, while there may be some giftedness - there is also a hell of a lot of work involved.

lamot went to great lengths to talk about how she and her writer friends procrastinate, stare frustratingly out the window or at the blinking cursor, despondent and directionless feeling like a dry turd stuck to the sidewalk, fretting that the jig is up and they are going to be revealed as the vastly untalented hacks that they are. thinking that they may as well give up and resign themselves to a life of answering phones or driving a cab, just like everyone else. i don't know about you, but i find it immensly helpful to think about margaret atwood sitting in front of her PC, biting her nails, thinking of errands she has to run or phone calls that need returning because she is out of ideas about what happens when they arrive at the power plant, or how Bill should repsond to Maeve's outburst.

all i ever wanted was to write. when i discovered the novel in 5th grade, i would hole up in my room for entire day long reading events on the weekends. i became a speed reader. i was thrilled by insight, restraint, well developed characters, engaging story. and that love has never changed. in highscool i wrote and wrote - for classes, in my journals...wherever, whenever i could. but i never thought i was good enough so i stopped. i keep this blog going because at least it's been a way for me to speak. but in truth i don't put much time or effort into it because, well- what is the point? in the grand scheme of thing, very few people read it or care. but maybe i've been wrong and there is a point. the point is writing, isn't it? the point is to write, even if no one will read it - because it's what i am driven to do, because i can't stop, because i can't help it, because it feels right. and now that i've had another minorly edited piece of creative writing accepted for ultrarunning magazine i am starting to wonder. and think. i know, UR mag isn't Newsweek, believe me. But if i can do something good enough for them with very little effort, could i do something even better for somebody else? if i worked- really worked at it?

i am telling you this by way of explanation. i am not breaking up with you, and though it seems it- i am not giving you the cold shoulder. but i owe you the truth. i've been having an affair... cheating on you with MS word processor. perhaps the pages i produce will be buried with me one day, having never seen the light of day. but they sure as hell will die with me if i keep all of those words inside. i can't win the game if i don't play. and if i lose - well, at least i got to participate. it's enough. it's worthwhile just to be allowed to play.

i'll be here, from time to time with (hopefully) witty anecdotes, and of course to tell you about my adventures. don't worry - you will be fine. there are plenty of stay-home mama-minimalist ultrarunner-adventurers out there in blog world to keep you company. i can give you a recommendation if you need one.

i hope you are well, and staying warm and believing in yourself. you can do it - whatever it is you are trying to do. you can do it.
live big.
run on.

go forward

2012-01-03T10:04:00.003-05:00

it's that time of year again when the snow is flying, you are fully ensconced in winter doldrums and wondering what to do with yourself this year. something different, please! something fun and exciting! something to look forward to, because now that the happiness of the holiday is passed you are going to be white knuckling your way to spring.
i haven't thought much about what i'll do this year running-wise...but there always seems to be something to jump into, so i am going about my merry way, staying fit so i will be ready to race when the moment strikes, but as for you - maybe you are not so blase about things. maybe you'd like to set a goal to work towards! maybe, just maybe running farther than you ever have? making the leap into the world of ultrarunning or a first marathon perhaps? in that case i would like to suggest that you clear your calendar for saturday May 12th and join me in the ROC for a lil' old race called Mind The Ducks 12 Hour.

i know! running in circles sounds like hell. won't my knees hurt from all the turns? won't i get bored? i like the solitude and challenge of trails..would i even like this sort of thing?! i can answer all of those questions: probably not, absolutely not, more than you can imagine.

over the last couple of years i have seen casual recreational walkers complete a marathon. i have seen people run their first marathon and go home when they were done. i have watched people break distance records, personal speed records, and mental barriers. but i will tell you what i have never seen or heard - complaints, negativity or claims that a good time was not had. to the contrary, most people have been astounded by the high quality fun to be had on a short loop race and the ease of wiling the day away by going round and round as the leaves of a weeping willow brush the tops of their hat, telling big fish stories with new friends, and watching the swans glide over the lake. sure, you could sit in the house on the couch and watch nascar on may 12th. or go for an hour training run and then sort through the junk in the attic followed by a trip to the hardware store with your toddler in the cart screaming to be allowed down. OR you could get up at 6, pack a small bag, drive down to seneca park, set up a camp chair and go forward. with nothing else to do all day but to keep going forward. can you think of a better way to use a saturday?

just look how much fun we had...in the rain even! registration is open, and there are only 85 spots to take. what are you waiting for?

end year's resolution update

2011-12-30T11:31:00.003-05:00

i do like my resolutions and frequent updates, but, and let me be frank: i forgot. i forgot what i resolved. i forgot i resolved period. so the final update is a mixed bag. here is the original post if you are interested. it's apparent to me that my resolutions must not have been very important this year, for the way i ignored them. but i found some things i didn't know i was looking for and achieved some things personally that were more important than what i set out to do. i'll keep it short- away we go with roundup....

1) learn 4 new things: i did learn to XC ski, and i didn't like it. i learned how to hike up mountains but i have a lot more learnin to do. i learned how to listen to and honor my body and my inner voice, thank God i did this before i was 50. i learned to carve wood...and that i have a knack for it, but if i want to be good, i have a lot of practice to do. (story of my life - i can be fair to good at most anything creative i try but am never excellent because i'm too lazy to do the work.)

2) running stuff: i did run and finish 3 official ultras, and tons of fatass runs. i volunteered at an ultra (during a hurricane no less). i failed to PR in the marathon (or half) , 5k and 12 hour. i did yoga at least once each week (when i was healthy) and running did not become my God. in fact, it became even less important this year, though i managed to still run, walk and hike nearly 2000 miles. i just stopped obsessing over it so dang much. this is better than a PR.

3) grow a bigger garden: the garden situation this year sucked, plant whisperer i am not. we have very little sunlight in our backyard and i am fighting a losing battle. someday....

4) live like i'm dyin: oh boy, real progress. from finally planning a fun family vacation for next month to casting fear aside and giving my body and mind some interesting outdoor challenges. i embraced many more small moments with my kids, went to the grocery store in pajamas, said 'yes' to invitations and 'no' to useless fretting. i even sucked down my fear and gritted my teeth and went on a few amusement park rides. i hated every second of it, but i did it, because maybe i would change my mind... maybe i would learn to like them. i didn't, but i tried. that's enough. i am learning to stop avoiding social situations, new people and difficult relationships.

5) read my bible: i did. and i studied and i cross referenced and i puzzled and i broadened and somehow i am finishing the year less conservative and judgemental, like the christians that people love to hate, and more accepting and compassionate like what you wish we all were...like this Jesus fellow that you hear such nice things about. God help me, i ain't perfect. God willing i'll be given lots of time on earth before He "finishes the work" He started in me. i'm not looking forward to any december 2012 doomsday crappola - i got more stuff to take care of here.

if you've noticed i have a bit of blogger's blog lately. i very much want to share things with you, but i hardly know what this blog is about anymore. i love to run and adventure and i pursue it with passion, but more and more i want to keep my experiences for myself. what else shall i tell you? what else would you care to hear? perhaps something to think about next year....

i hope your 2011 was blissful, and that your 2012 is filled with adventure and board games and hand holding and scenic vistas and breathtaking art and aloneness and togetherness and acceptance and peace. and love - lots of love. from me to you - have a blessed and fascinating new year!

Stem Footwear Preview

2011-12-14T12:47:00.006-05:00

I've documented my struggles with minimalist footwear over the last 3 years ad-nauseum. With every new submission from start-up companies, as well as the more recognizable names, it seems I have come one step closer to shoe nirvana. Have I finally reached enlightenment? Only time will tell, but I am nearly transcendent over the fit and feel of my new Stems and am going to share my first impressions with you, as well as a discount code at the end...so keep on reading!

What's not to love about Stem Footwear?

Stem was founded by Andrew Rademacher, a former college Big-Ten athlete from Purdue, who suffered various running injuries over the years, alongside a good majority of his teammates. It is heartening to know that talented athletes struggle much the same way as traditionally-shod Joe-Average-Runner: nearly always hurt, about to become hurt, or just finished being hurt. After discovering minimalist running and getting healthy, he was frustrated with the 'torpedo-like' shoes on the market. Andrew thought that he could do better, so he created Stem Footwear. They are different, and from where I am standing, better. But first, let's talk about how they are the same.

There are things that unite all minimal shoes, and Stem falls nicely within those parameters: Stems are light (6.5 oz.), flexible, unsupportive, uncushioned, unstructured and breathable, and with good ground feel, all the things we look for when choosing a shoe that will allow us to move naturally and healthfully.

I am able to move my feet all around in them, but they do not feel like they are slipping or un-secure. To boot they are also vegan and eco-friendly which doesn't hurt any either. But, there are 2 obvious ways that the Stem shoes do seem to stand out over the competition, both are worth noting, and one which makes a major impact on comfort and performance.

1) Fit. I couldn't believe my eyes when I took my Primal Origins out of the box. What I saw was a shoe, that looked just like my foot. Truly, Stems aren't shoe-shaped, they are foot-shaped. There is a wide variety of shoes available, and without naming names I can think of things I have found to dislike about every one of them, and I've either run in, or tried them all. Some shoe manufacturers are stubbornly clinging to the belief that we have deformed ballerina shaped feet that come to a nice little point, or gentle round off at the edge. Others seem to have gotten the shape and width right, but volume all wrong and have created something that looks like a foot, but it extremely restrictive and uncomfortable through the arch and upper toes. Stem got this right and the shoes are wide across the toe, with the longest point lying ahead of the big toe and gently tapering to a square off at the baby toe. They are narrower at the heel, so the fit is not sloppy - just extremely comfortable.

When I placed my foot over top of the tied shoe, I found that the shoe would easily accommodate the breadth of my spread toes, even with a sock on...even with a thick sock on (important for trail and winter running). An enormous improvement over the competition and the first regular sized shoe I've seen that could potentially fit someone who is now wearing a wide-width, and thought they'd never be able to wear a minimal shoe. This is no joke to me, because every pair of minimal shoes I have worn has a generous rip at the pinky toe, for this exact reason. The shoes can never contain my splayed toes. Bravo to Stem for getting this right after all the other misses.

2) Looks. I am a bargain shopper and I like to purchase items that do double duty. To put it plainly - Stems just look good. They do not have that "running sneaker" look to them. There is no fluorescent yellow, hot pink or bright white here. There is also no "bad ass trail runner" look to them either, wonderful unless you feel the need to advertise your sportsman status in every day life.

These are shoes that would go well with running shorts or a pair of khakis. Judging by the sole and looks, one could hit the trail, the road, the market or the bar with friends equally well. Great in the real world, even better when traveling- no need to pack half a dozen shoes for all occasions. (I'll test this theory next month in Florida, running after kids at Disney World and running on the marshy trails of Crystal River.)

While the shoes are light, they are in no way flimsy and seem very well made. They have the looks of sueded leather, with a gently cushioned mesh interspersed throughout. The women's shoe comes in 2 different color schemes, while the men have 3 choices. They are just plain pretty, and I am having a hard time taking them off.

Time will tell how the Stems stand up to the beating of an ultrarunner, but I am so looking forward to putting them through their paces. I'll bring you those results here, sometime next month. But for now, I encourage you to check out Stem's educational and interesting website and use this coupon code: "minrunshoes15off" to receive $15 off a pair of Stem's for yourself. Also exciting is that Stem is going to provide the male and female winners of Mind The Ducks 12 Hour with their very own pair of Stems, so I get to spread even more Stem love. Hooray!

2011 adventure roundup

2011-12-07T14:09:00.004-05:00

after coming off my first ever DNF at my 12th official ultra, the mendon 50k, i figured i'd wrap up my adventures for the year and address the question on every athlete's lips this time of year: "what's next?"

the year kicked off with a great start when Mind The Ducks filled up quickly. i was running less than usual, but in peace. i had fun completing my 3rd BPAC 6 hour in april, by running every cold, icy, windy step with my husband. it was around then that we began dreaming of the mountains and forming a plan to visit the adirondacks to see if we liked the business of mountain hiking. after BPAC it was time to focus on MTD and all the work to be done. once it was through i was free to begin practicing for the fingerlakes 50s. in july i was able, with the help of my friend, to finish 50 miles in the fingerlakes forest and vow to never return (and change my mind a month later. silly ultrarunner.) my 5 year old also completed a marathon over the summer as well as some long hikes with the rest of the family. in august jim and i slept for 3 hours in a moldy lean-to before summiting Mt. Marcy, the highest peak in NY, and it's adjacent little (but somehow more brutal) cousin, Phelps Mt. and find out what the back country is about. no sensible groomed trails or short cut out here - no sir. that was real lightning on the top of a bald mountain. i was crippled for days after, but hooked on the challenge and self sufficiency required to day hike in a wild place. in september we made our way to north carolina for the hinson lake 24 hour and had fun running in sandy circles. a race where i learned to honor my own voice. in october i had a fun weekend of running and food and stories with my running pal where i covered 100 miles for the first time and rediscovered WHAT happens when i don't honor to my internal voice. which leads me to my DNF in mendon - where my first real and legitimate injury prevented me from completing the race. after a week of no duty and 3 more of light duty, i am healed! and wondering, like everyone else does: now what?

here is what i know for 2012: if i don't bring my "tally" of races up, and PRs down i am okay. what i really want to do is to have new adventures. i've been dreaming appalachian trail dreams for 2 years now, with 13 more to go..but there is nothing stopping me from pressing more into the world of backpacking and long distance hiking while i wait. i am sure it is only a benefit. also, i would like to do more giving back - pacing, crewing, babysitting - helping other runners meet their goals, who like me, can't do it without help. i also want another crack at those high peaks. there are 46 of them, and i've got 44 more to go. and this time, i'll be better prepared. i am staying open to whatever adventures become available, whatever time and family and other facets of life allow. i am excited and at peace about 2012, about my waxing and waning fitness. i am young enough that, with God willing, i can get faster or go longer in the future. right now, it's enough to keep it up and enjoy what i can get my hands on while my children are young and need me so much.
one thing is certain: i spent a lot less time this year arguing about shoes, thinking about what other runners are doing, the races i am missing out on, suffering through a workout that is going badly and worrying i am not good enough - and that is one hell of a blessing itself.

i hope your 2011 athletic season was satisfying, and that you are now able to relax, cozy up to the fire in these shorter, colder days and dream happy memories of sunlit forests, laughs with training partners, and an ice cold drink on the right side of the finish line. if your 2011 was not great, or fraught with injuries - good news, there's nowhere to go but up! if it was stellar - good news, you can try to top it! whatever adventures lie ahead, i wish you tireless legs and a full heart in your pursuits.

run on.

advent conspiracy

2011-11-21T12:12:00.003-05:00

"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."- Matthew 25: 40

"what can we get you guys for christmas? have you started a list?", reads the email that comes each year, mid-november. no matter who it was addressed to - parent to child, child to parent, sibling to sibling...it always comes. with the answer the same: "let me think on it, and i'll get back to you."
and then the pressure - the kids don't need more toys. there is nothing i really want that badly. jim doesn't like "stuff" very much....who knows what goes on at their end, but it is assuredly something similar.
2 weeks later, the next email comes: "i really want to get my shopping done? haven't you thought of anything yet?"

and i answer then. or i don't. or i promise to really really soon. and so do they. gift cards or money, sweat pants or a book, a bowl or a pair of running shoes. but it's always the same. 3 sets of adults who have all of their needs met, and most of their wants - who can buy their own things, who stress about what to buy others, who nag to get a list so that they can scour the ads, drive around a parking lot, wander around in a hot coat in a stuffy store, stand in endless lines, wrap and tag and sort and plan and run back out for the gift for the cousin or auntie that they missed. spending money they'd rather not, on stuff that may or may not fit the bill just to say we did it, and it's done because that's what you are supposed to do.

meanwhile the things i WANT to do- like bake more, have friends and family over, decorate, read with the girls, drive around looking at lights - are packed in around the have-tos and become further burdens. the present buying, the card writing (addressing, mailing), the parties you don't really want to go to. i think i've had the same complaint for years now about the high-jacking of the christmas season. but this year is different.

inspired by a challenge put forth by churches across the nation, called the 'advent conspiracy' (video below), we will be doing a less is more christmas this year. instead of rushing to the home depot for a christmas tree at the last minute - we'll go to a proper farm and let the girls pick one out. instead of the nagging emails shot between my adult family members, we will pool our money to give gifts to those in actual need. i am sitting out on card exchanges because of the cost and time it takes. there will be more christmas carols and crafts, more cookies and friends. less stress, more giving. as my 6 year old succinctly put it: 'it's Jesus' birthday, he should get the presents'. but Christ doesn't need fuzzy socks. however, he did tell us how to give him gifts, it is from the above passage of Matthew 25 and it involves clothing the naked, sheltering the homeless, feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty.

on wall street and financial districts all over the nation today people are protesting who knows what. but one thing i know for sure is that they are railing against the government, a society, anyone who will listen - to let them know that there are people who have, and people who have none. regardless of my political beliefs are, my religious belief and my aching heart tell me that people around the world are hungry, thirsty, hurt, sick and lost. but i am not. and i can help. if i don't - then what good has my life been? are you with me?

i want to challenge you this holiday season. don't just throw a buck into the red kettle and be satisfied. you know you have so much more than so many. i know it because you have a computer to read this on. figure out your christmas budget, look at what you spend your money on - food, holiday outfits, hair-dos, gifts, postage, decorations - and out of that see if there is something that can go. but instead of just reveling in how much money you'll save this christmas - give that amount away. there are a million ways to help - from having a well dug in a depressed country to buying christmas dinner for the struggling family at the end of your street. there is something you can do.
will you?

want to hear my voice?

2011-10-28T18:54:00.003-04:00

well now you can - in all of it's horrifying simultaneous baritone and lispiness. how is that possible?, you may ask yourself. well find out by listening to my interview with Run Barefoot Girl. i dunno why she picked me - but here it is. we talk about running and training for ultras, Mind The Ducks, running happy, my husband and kids, this blog and other nonsense. thanks to Caity for the fun interview! it's here if you are interested. happy listenin'!!

self transcendence festivus report

2011-10-24T13:09:00.004-04:00

"Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don’t leave me alone at this time,
For I'm afraid of what I will discover inside..."
-Mumford and Sons, video below

as i mentioned in an earlier post, my friend, runNYtrails and i were going to take our show on the road this weekend and see what we could find out. after 3 days in the cold, rain, and mud neither of us levitated. perhaps it takes longer than that? perhaps even a lifetime.

we met in thursday at our lil cabin in the woods. it was raining and the roads and trails had already been turned into streams and minor mudslides. after spending sometime getting a fire going and admiring my partner's decorating skills (our cabin was quite a festive place for a festivus) we unceremoniously began at 5:30 PM.

the first night i took easy. i am not a "back to back" runner, preferring one high mileage day each week and taking it relatively easy after that. i wasn't exactly sure what to expect out of my body. this was not akin to a 48 hour event, as i planned to sleep at night... it more closely resembled a stage race or a thru-hike. who knew how i would be the next day? i stopped for bed after 6 hours, while runNY kept going til 4 AM. we went slow. i cooked and ate a meal. i tended the fire, so in those first 5 and a half hours i covered a grand total of 20 miles.

the next morning i climbed down from the sleeping loft, with only minor soreness. after a late start, we passed the day away again in the cold rain and mud. we found an alternate route for our loops that would avoid the hills, some of the mud and most of the rocks. we got some new neighbors - loud young potheads, and older 'cigar and beer' type fellows. we cooked and ate 2 meals. we went our own way mostly, until dark where we marched out several hours together... we did this each night and it proved to be my favorite time of the day. i finished that evening with 37 miles and minimal pain... trying to save myself for the last day. so far, i had no "moment". i didn't achieve enlightenment, i failed to find some mystical clarity. but i was grateful for nature (however poorly it was treating us), to be with my friend (however much i missed my family), and accepting of what it was. it was slow, but i was comfortable.

last day - 43 miles to go if i wanted to run 100. my mistake for thinking it. my mistake for thinking it to be easy. i wanted to take the day as it came and accept what would be revealed or not, what would transpire mile-wise or not. i got going at 8:30, at least it had stopped raining, though it was the coldest day. i moved through my day the same as before - with insatiable hunger, bathroom breaks, clothing changes, fire tending, candy bars and singing. it was the one day i didn't stop to call home - i had 43 miles on my mind, to the point of obsession. my oxygen deprived brain decided that "people" would think less of me if i had ALL that time to go 100 miles and i still didn't do it. i would do it. not for me, but for you. you didn't put it on me, i put it on me for you. so don't worry - you aren't to blame.

at 35 miles, with darkness setting in i was happy, power walking with runNY when the front of my left shin spoke in a loud roar. so acutely, that i thought perhaps i had broken it or torn something. at the very least - the pain was too intense to walk (and dorsi-flex my foot). i must finish running. 8 miles - no fun now. now it's a job. a painful job. i finished with no fan-fare or ceremony and quickly felt the disappointment in my pain, the failure of my plan of acceptance gone awry. i erased 92 miles of cold, wet fun and in it's place an hour and 45 minutes of physical harm put there because of a confusion of "shoulds" and "have to's". i did it- my first 100 mile week (forget that it only took a weekend) in 52 hours and 14 minutes, with approximately 22 hours of sleeping/ downtime between starts and finishes each day. but i'd have been happier with 92, because i would have honored myself, body and mind.

maybe my biggest mistake was trying to predict the path to awakening. self transcendence comes in it's own way, and is not something to be forced. my father always said ' you can't tell shelley nothing', because of the way i learn - by doing. by failing, by hurting, by pushing. my transcendence didn't come in the hours of walking and running, it came in the moments after it was over when i was finally able to internalize this simple statement: "it's not worth the pain." i have punished myself for years, so that i could reach a point to enjoy. i am here. the suffering is over. mileage goals are arbitrary. i am worth no less at mile 92 than i am at mile 100 - no matter what anyone thinks.

AT thru-hikers have a famous saying, "hike your own hike". thank you universe for teaching me that the sound of my own internal voice should be the loudest one i hear when i am moving. yes, i am proud of my accomplishment. one more time i proved my physical abilities to you. but i am more proud of the lesson i learned this weekend: that i have nothing to prove.

this song from mumford and sons was sort of my anthem this weekend, as linda and i worked this whole journey out together. perhaps it will inspire you on your journey to figure out the whys and what of your sport and yourself too.

"...And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul
But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine"

going alone

2011-10-09T17:43:00.009-04:00

"There is danger in going alone, more in not going at all."- p.k. price

i spent the morning running my favorite trails on friday. the weather was in the high 70s, the sky bright, the air dry, the bugs hibernating and the trees on full fall display. on my first of four 5 mile loops, i fell in with an elderly gentleman who was charging hard up the mendon hills, huffing and puffing, and allowing me the room to pass him on the downhills. he carried a plastic stick in his hand to "protect himself from dog attacks". the dogs are often allowed to roam here, and you could hardly blame him if he was scared. we passed the time with the common talk of runners - shoes and races, running clubs and injuries - and after that loop we stood and bid farewell. but before he turned to go, he issued me a warning, "be careful out here, alone. lot of crazies out here. they let guys out of rehab, with their shaved heads and whatnot. i see them wandering around up here sometimes. just last week a fella was harassing a couple female runners. a drunk ran into a tree. cops everywhere for that one. the park people, they tell me things. you can't be too careful - a woman alone."

i responded how i usually do to such concerns, with the truth: "i am careful- always scanning the ground to see what i can use as a weapon, making note of where roads, houses, and shelters are that i could use as a fast escape. always planning my exit route." "don't worry", i say, as i take off back up the hill. but once out of his view, it occurs to me for the very first time on my favorite trail, the one in the affluent and rural suburb, to be frightened. i DO start looking for a weapon. i DO suddenly notice all the good spots a man could hide and surprise me. i imagine him coming up from behind, clubbing me over the head, dragging me into the woods. it is a work day and the trails are quieter than normal. the anxiety settles around me like a fog, as i consult my laundry list of questions. do i have my ID? does my family know when to expect me? how will jim feel when the policeman comes to the door? what will my children's lives be like, now that they have no mother? the thoughts dig in and take hold, as they so frequently do.

i thought i was the only woman who had these questions and mental images of rapes, murders, beatings, maulings, and hit and runs play through her head, until a couple of friends confessed their own fearful fantasies this past week. back in the presence of my run, where i had begun to feel frightened by how remote the trail is, rather than cheered by the solitude, i contemplated these things. as i chewed over my now un-enjoyable predicament, i passed an old woman hiking solo in a flamboyant jogging suit. a 1/4 mile later, as i struggled up hawk hill, a woman running alone in a sports bra buzzed past me, strode along the ridge and disappeared over the backside of the hill. 20 heart beats later at an intersection, a group of middle aged ladies wearing packs and carrying trekking poles pointed out which way my "friend" went, before they turned and continued their workout.

it was after seeing this 3rd group that a thought hit me. how often has someone told my husband to "be careful" when he goes out for a run? has it happened ever? as he grew up, when he left the house - did his father demand he be careful with his friends? call when he got there? stay together? avoid strangers? i was struck that, not only had people been telling me that it was dangerous to run trails or at night alone, they have been telling me that doing anything alone is dangerous, for my entire life. and i have been telling my daughters the same.

most women are raised knowing that the world, for them, is a frightening place filled with dangerous men, and precarious situations. it is not suitable for us to be virtually anyplace by ourselves. our whole lives we have this fear spoken into us, and for me and other female athletes, it is still occurring. that fear has been integrated into my landscape. a part of my run always involves looking over my shoulder, calculating whether i could outrun the man i just passed, or wondering why that car is parked there. i listen like a hawk in places where my eyes cannot see, to be sure that "they" aren't coming for me. it has become as much a part of my sport as monitoring my temperature, watching the sunrise, and re-tying my shoes. i take the fear for granted, and i am now certain that i am not alone.

curiously, by the end of my run, i had come across a dozen women, who perhaps were- on some level, a bit anxious. they were running and hiking- alone and in pairs, walking their dogs and mounted on beautiful horses. in fact with most of the men at work on a friday morning, i saw only women- enjoying nature, using their bodies, and making the choice to set fear aside. like i was. you see for me, the only fear greater than that of getting out there and being harmed, is the fear of not going at all. i will consider my life wasted if i am forced to enjoy it, as so many other women have felt they had to, on the couch or from a car window. perhaps not afraid of the bogey man, instead afraid that they are not capable. which is another thing that we have had spoken over us - not only that we shouldn't, but that we couldn't. for centuries women have been told it's not safe. and here we all were on the same trail, all ages and sizes, laying our fear down and doing it anyway. my sisters.

on that run i vowed to be more choosy in how i speak to my girls, to reign in the frequent admonishment to "be careful." i do not want them to think that the world is a danger to women. words are powerful and we must use caution in what we are sowing into our girls. i want them to be fearless warriors, not fearful victims. and for myself i have come to see that each time i step out that door, with a prayer for safety on my lips, i am crucifying one more of those warnings. i figure, all i have to do is go on enough runs to make up for all of the times they told me to 'be careful'. i expect i'll never run out of adventures that way.

what you hear occasionally in the news does not represent the millions of women who go out for a run everyday, and return home safely. the risk is much more minimal than i can fathom. but, if ever i did meet my demise on the trail, at least they could say that i died while i was truly living.

run on, girls.

FestOfUs

2011-10-03T12:17:00.004-04:00

i promised to tell you a bit about my next event, and now it's time to make good!

over the summer, my friend runNYtrails (also known as Linda) was keeping tabs on the self transcendence 3100, a race of that distance that takes place in a little neighborhood in queens, ny each summer. yes, that's 3100 MILES, with a 60 day cutoff. the self transcendence races were originally conceived of by buddhist athlete, writer, artist and teacher sri chinmoy. he advocated the use of extreme sports as a means to transcend the physical and material worlds, creating a sort of moving meditation. i have found it to be true, that after you have exhausted the physical body, the workings of the inner being stretch out in front of you, an endless unfolding before your eyes with each step. the 3100 is an inspirational event, and examining photos of the athletes after weeks of 50 mile days, day after day, you will see a peace in them so bright that it looks like they may levitate. while we have different beliefs on the purpose of life, and the means to getting to the destination, we agree on taking the forward path. the christian life is often spoke of as a "walk" or "journey" with God. it is even referred to in the Bible frequently as a "race". and so it is with physical running, as we move toward the goal, there must be a shedding of the self - of pain and fear and physical limitations. the LONG journey is completed with the drive of the interior, not the exterior.

"Soul Birds" - Sri Chinmoy

so one day, linda exclaimed how she always wanted to do her own little self transcendence event. while there are ST 24 hour races all over the world, it didn't offer what she was looking for. so in an email exchange, i suggested 3 days. in return she suggested a nice quiet path in the woods, with camping and journaling and solitude. somehow i offered to scout a location. and then all at once we were no longer daydreaming, it seemed we were doing. after getting jim's okay and finding a magical place to hold the event, the weekend was born. the "Self Transcendence 3 Day Trail Festivus for the Rest Of Us". or the "Self-Transcendivus" or simply a "FestForUs". to put it plain - a 3 day fat ass event based out of a lil' cabin near Allegheny state park.

there will be daily readings, and perhaps our own differing version of prayer or silence each morning. there will be good eating and moving forward in an attempt to shed something. while linda has her own goals, i suspect that my ultimate goal is to cook the pot at a roaring boil, to see what bubbles to the surface. and then to see if i can skim it off the top.

of course the festivus reference comes from seinfeld. i am sure there will be' airing of grievances', and the 'feats of strength' are a given. only we could come up with an event that marries the highest buddhist philosophy, cocktail hour, a fat ass race and a joke from an irreverent sitcom. i have been looking forward to this for months. in a few weeks, i promise to give a glimpse into what transpired as we transcended. until then i'll leave you with the words of sri chinmoy:

"There is only one perfect road, and that road is ahead of you.
Always ahead of you."

hinson lake 24 hour race report

2011-09-27T09:13:00.009-04:00

at hour 20 of a 24 hour race, if you are still on the course and moving forward, it is ridiculous to feel anything but blessed. it is almost as if a tornado has swept through town, taking out 80% of the houses, leaving your own, wildly untouched. it is not always a function of good training or natural talent that enables you to continue longer than most, but is more often due to good decisions or just plain luck. as numbers dwindled, i felt incredibly lucky to not be limping, puking, crying or wishing i had never been born.

hinson lake 24 was exactly what i wanted - the antithesis of northcoast 24 - laid back, scenic, fun and gentle, and my bad memories have been thoroughly replaced by new ones of singing my lungs out walking under the stars and tall pines, hours of soft foot falls on course sand, a barn owl hooting through the night, peace and gratitude. i thought for a long time about my goals for the race and decided that i wanted to, first - be happy, while working the course and with my end result. and second - to move for the whole event. i succeeded at one, at the expense of the other and i am more than okay with the result.

friday we drove into rockingham along the wide, green, graceful highways of north carolina. we had a leisurely evening of packet pickup, dinner and walking the course. it was more hilly than expected but i couldn't imagine it being anything other than a good thing. it is extremely difficult to work your muscles and feet on a totally flat course. true to the description, it was packed earth covered in course sand with 16 wooden foot bridges. the course traverses 1.5 miles around hinson lake under soaring southern pines and rhododendrons as tall as maple trees. i was excited to get started in the morning.

saturday was so humid that upon exiting the car or a building, my anti-fog eye glasses, would fog up. temperature management would be paramount. my plan was to go slower than whale poop right from the get-go, knowing that my strategy at NC 24 of 'run hard as long as possible' was foolish and painful. it worked. throughout the day as i saw people flag and puke and stop their race, i hiked hard 14-15 minute miles with short spurts of jogging. i listened to my heart rate and didn't let it ascend above a certain level. in the heat, there is a competition for blood and energy. if all of my juice is going to my legs and to keeping myself cool, there will be none left for digesting. i did not want to spend the day nauseous or dehydrated and my plan worked very well. by 12 hours i had 30 easy laps down. i took time to stretch every couple hours, take pictures, eat, sit and enjoy my surroundings. when the sun was down and i was ready to go.

jim had decided that he would do 50 miles and call it a day, so i spent 2 hours walking at a slowed clip with him, knowing i was going to lose my only company. this is the only part of my race that was lacking and in the end what made me stop. i love timed races for their camaraderie, but at hinson lake i found hardly any. i tried my best to be friendly, and say 'hi' to everyone. but besides one awesome guy i know from the kickrunners forum and 3 other dudes, no one spoke back. this saddened me and i struggled with loneliness into the night. i didn't know any of these folks, the ultrarunners in the south are a totally different bunch than the mid atlantic/ northeast gang. things were unfamiliar, i felt a bit like an outsider.

at 14 hours, the temps were cooler, my body felt great, i put on my music and now it was time to run. i ran hard for 3 straight laps. i giggled as i whizzed by all the lead females who were worked- some hobbling, most shuffling, perhaps worried that i had sandbagged all day and was going to push hard all night. but i knew i was only riding a wave until it's completion. after walking and jogging most of the day, running fast felt so good to my legs and i was having a blast! after 3 laps of that nonsense, i did some recovery hiking and then had an extended stretch on the gazebo positioned in the middle of the lake, at the center of a footbridge. i lay on my back doing some yoga, gazing out at the stars, listening to distant coyote pups yap, while their parents sounded their mournful call.

after 2 more hours of walking and more breaks, i was beginning to grow tired and my feet were swelling. my pace had slowed to a crawl and the course was now desolate, with only a handful of people left. i longed for company. a year ago i would have chastised myself, called myself weak for giving in to that need, but i view it differently now. i was honoring what i needed, no longer having cause to prove my abilities to myself or anyone else, i stopped on my terms when the adventure ceased to be fun.

in just over 21 hours i had reached a comfortable and enjoyable 72.5 miles. so grateful that my body wasn't wrecked and proud that i completed my own race on my own terms. i lay down on a picnic table and called jim (who was back at the hotel resting) to come and pick me up.

after our flight was delayed on sunday night, we were forced to stay an extra night in the south. i very much missed my girls and was so excited to see them yesterday. i took a bike ride while i waited for the school bus to arrive, and besides the water retention and swollen feet, i feel as though nothing ever happened. this is a grand thing for me. i have decided over these last months that i didn't want my adventures as an ultrarunner to be marked by suffering any longer. the pain will inevitably have a bit part in the drama, but the enjoyment has to be the main attraction. i don't know if i was punishing myself, trying to prove something, or just trying to fit in - but i determined i was not willing to continue participating to the detriment of my mental or physical health. if that means i am last every time, then so be it. i am last, without apology. odds are that i will continue to be right where i was, in the middle of the pack - but now, i will not hate myself for it.

hinson lake was the highlight of a year filled with learning and growth. i have another wonderful event on my horizon to look towards that i'll tell you about later in the week and i carry the blessings of the tar heel state forward.

be INSPIRED

2011-09-20T07:08:00.007-04:00

if you haven't been following along at home, you may not have realized that i am on the board for a really cool non-profit ultrarunning club, Ultrarunning Matters, Inc. we produce 3 races, (most importantly mine ;-)), and are a supportive camaraderie for people who like to run really really far and are tired of being labeled "crazy". anyhow, one of the coolest things i get to do for UM is to do interviews. when it began i figured i'd just go around interviewing our more dynamic or interesting club members, until another board member suggested we try to branch out. i was dubious, and didn't think anyone would want to talk to me. but the old adage that shy people starve is true. so far most people we've asked, have said yes.

my newest interview was with jennifer pharr-davis. this summer she became the record holder for the fastest thru-hike of the appalachian trail. not the fastest woman, mind you (she already had that record), but the fastest overall. she completed the 2,175 mile journey in 46 days and 11 hours, averaging 47 miles/day. yes, i know it boggles the mind. the fact that she has gone on this same journey 2 other times is almost more unbelievable.

Jen, her husband Brew, David Horton and Warren Dyole (who has logged 34,000 miles on the AT)

i got the itch to interview her after i finished reading her memoir, Becoming Odyssa. it tells the story of her first thru-hike in 2005, as a recent college grad with no long distance backpacking experience. armed with a mop handle as a hiking stick, no water filtration, and an old, ill fitting pack she completed the journey. while trail journals abound, they are often marked by poor writing (just because you can hike, does not mean you are a captivating story teller), bad grammar and just plain old monotony ('today i went here and did this. i got to eat a cheeseburger. i did my laundry, blah blah blah').

but pharr-davis' book is very different: deeply personal, heart rending, captivating (i finished in 2 days... i couldn't put it down), and inspiring. it is not only the best trail journal i've ever read but it is just a great book. not just for nature lovers and athletes, but a book for anyone who's had a dream or calling. only 1 out of 10 people who attempt a thru-hike, make it to the end. of those, how many of them can write like this? but the writing is nothing without the spirit to back it up, and pharr-davis' humanity and vulnerability leap off the page at you. you want to know her, you want to be like her... you want to hike with her.

i must warn you, if you aim to read this book, you will want to set out on a hike of your own. the interview i did with her is a taste of her as a person and the promise of the adventure waiting for you if you pick up Becoming Odyssa. I strongly recommend that all of you find yourself a copy, but most especially the ladies.
i am extremely blessed to introduce you to jen pharr-davis. you can read our interview on UM's homepage, here. you can visit her business, Blue Ridge Hiking Company to purchase books and check out her speaking schedule, or find out more about jen on her blog.

my thru-hike lies on a distant horizon, but i have had a full circle moment in becoming acquainted with pharr-davis. the thought of an AT thru-hike first occurred to me as i watched the movie The Runner, about david horton's quest to set the record on the PCT. imagine my surprise when i read in Becoming Odyssa how jen ran into david during her first hike, as he trained for his PCT record attempt. it was a full circle moment for me, that confirmed the call i feel. one day i'll complete my own AT thru-hike, God willing. i hope that i have the same curious spirit, courage and strength that pharr-davis displayed.

loss and freedom

2011-09-16T16:36:00.003-04:00

the only guarantee in life is constant change, or so the saying says. some is good, some not so, and some you just don't know what to make of it. i experienced 2 major changes this week and i thought i'd share what i discovered: anxiety is in the eye of the beholder.

my husband got laid off. judging by some of the reaction we recieved, you would think this was a catastrophe. so how do i go about explaining that i'm kind of, well, relieved? see, when i married jim he was a traveler. due to lack of work post 9/11, he took his electrician show on the road. i knew darn well that there would be no steadiness in our lives. he got hired and laid off. he worked in this city or that city, feast or famine. so imagine my disbelief when he got hired for a short call 5 years ago, that he would have been brought on steady! and given a truck and gas card! and a company phone! he deserved it, but how lucky can you get?
how lucky indeed? there is another saying, something about being careful what you wish for. let's just say that instead of happily skipping down the driveway in the morning with a hard hat in one hand and lunch pail in the other, he dragged himself out the door with hardly a grunt in my direction. it was obvious after a couple of years that he didn't particularly like to work there. and we did plenty of daydreaming about alternative career paths he could take.

it turns out, as my friend liz says, 'sometimes the universe will do for you what you could not do for yourself.' how come when i should be mourning the attractive paycheck and generous perks, i am rejoicing that they've been taken away? well, for starters - how about the pleasantly uncreased brow that jim is sporting? how about peace and patience and time to choose? how about the opportunity to create fulfilling work instead?

i got a few sympathy calls out of the deal. people were worried if we were okay, 'what would we do'? and i said this to a friend " everything is going to be fine. and if it's not fine now then everything will be fine later. and if it's not fine later then it'll be fine when it's over and i'm sitting around in heaven slapping my knee wondering why anyone would have wasted energy on something so trivial as a lost job." see, even though i knew our life would always be in flux, i never for once thought jim was a risk. i loved him enough that i would have taken a risk anyway, but he is bright, resourceful, hardworking and we both have "survivor" mentalities. i was pretty certain he'd never let us fall. but i am really certain that God will never let us fall. even if the elevator plummets halfway (as lessons sometimes need to be taught the very hard way), it would never crash to the ground floor. i don't trust jim to keep a roof over our heads, i trust God. somehow that makes you feel a lot safer. God is driving the car and jim is his wingman? that's a winning team right there. no worries on this end.

and in it's place - peace. hope. hope that my husband will find something more challenging, more engaging, more thoroughly enjoyable for himself to do with his time.

also creating waves around my household is the general lack of children. with little people off to learn the ways of math and sharing and playdough and computers, i am left with a decadent amount of time to MYSELF. oh yes, i had time for myself before. in the pre-dawn hours. or after they went to bed. when jim or my mom would take over while i exercised or went to an appointment. but all of those things were completed with an undercurrent of guilt, sometimes so strong that it would ruin what i was trying to do. the guilt of a mother is pervasive and choking. leaving them with someone else, anyone else, even their father(!) was a moral failing on my part. it is MY job. i have to take complete responsibility for them alone. it is not a choice i made, the guilt made it's demand of me and i acquiesced.

but now. has this been the most personally enjoyable week i've experienced in 6 years? in fact, it may well be. forget vacations and races and peaceful scenery and beautiful dates with my husband. i had truly forgotten what it felt like to be free. that is the one thing they fail to mention when you have a baby - that you have lost your personal freedom. freedom to choose when to take a shower or run an errand. freedom to waste time or to be productive. everything you do is at the mercy of those who are more important than you. and if i left them with someone else it was because i was a selfish woman. weak. i shouldn't need personal space. or want to have a hobby.
school, though, is different. they are SUPPOSED to go to school. i didn't enroll them because i am self involved and needy. it is just what you do. you send your children to school! and gratefully, they adore going there! could not love it more! perfect. so this week, while my tasks may have seemed mundane - groceries, bank, getting the car detailed, running, cleaning, hiking, yoga - they have been done with a spirit that once felt as heavy as lead and now soars, as light as a feather.

though some would be sad to see the life they had carved out with their small children change so dramatically, or be deeply troubled by the loss of a steady good paying job, i can see the blessings in these changes more easily than i can see their dark side. life is all in what you make of it.

make the most of it.

firsts

2011-09-07T06:33:00.009-04:00

the first day of first grade is not what i expected. i expected "hasta la vista, baby", instead i got "baby, please don't go".

i have been looking forward to today for, like, ever. always waxing on about the eventual freedom of school aged children, then children old enough to be left home alone, then children who fly the nest. all good in theory, until one remembers that theories are just untested ideas and i am, inside, a quivering bowl of jello. all teddy, no BEAR - no matter how i may come across.

it broke me when she presented this to us on monday

lily has been my sidekick for near 6 years now, and half day kindergarten turned out to be little more than a daily play date in which she'd come home enriched. full day school is another animal all together. for 7 hours and 20 minutes each day she will be in the direct care of a woman i met once in the bakery aisle at wegmans, and will be most influenced by 13 six year olds i barely know. instead of me being the primary moral, educational, social and spiritual captain on the boat of her life, the boat is now crowded with back seat drivers, co-pilots, hangers-on and stow aways. and there's nothing i can do about it. like it or not - today, her sails will be blown by a new wind and that is all there is to it.

a pear, leftover pizza, craisins, yogurt and a brownie. favorites for the 1st day

don't get me wrong, i adore her school and think they do a phenomenal job. i cannot be happier with the choice we have made to place our kids at NCS. but i'd be lying if i said the day weren't a bit more bitter than sweet.

inspiration courtesy of daddy after he took the girls up a small mountain this weekend

yesterday she requested that a photo of jim and i be placed in her back pack to "remember us by". save for that and all the hugs and "i'm gonna miss you"s i received yesterday - she couldn't be more excited to go back. such a joy when they are small, and learning is fun. my fears are plenty, and hers are few, which is as it should be. i made her promise to let me do the worrying while she has the fun. we high fived over it, so it's a deal.

ready for action. how cute is she in uniform?

monday, maya starts daily preschool. sigh. like i said, i swear i looked forward to this day for a very long time... to be all broken up now is too silly for words. my sadness won't last, thankfully. my sister planned for this event and kindly had herself a son 7 weeks ago. i will get my fix to care and put my energy into a small one in just a few weeks when wendy goes back to work, and my gorgeous nephew comes over to fill up my days. joy! all the cuddling and nurturing without the anxiety and sleep deprivation!

i couldn't be more proud of our girls. seriously, we've messed a lot of stuff up with them, but somehow it seems like we must've done more things right than wrong- because they are fantastic little people. and we are extremely lucky and blessed.
it's true what they said when each girl was an infant, annoyingly and repeatedly: blink and it's over. yesterday i held each fat, perfect, happy baby in my arms. i blinked. and now that time is lost forever.

waiting for the bus

if you've got your own kids- treasure where you are, each moment and God bless all my fellow mothers and fathers in mourning this week.

just like that... she's gone

NY mountain high video

2011-08-29T10:27:00.002-04:00

here is a short video of our trip up and down 2 mountains last weekend. it may not be denali or even khatadin, but NY (and PA) are known for their ROCKS and you can really see their brutality here. it is a beautiful place and i can't wait to go back and tackle some tougher mountains. (yes, these ones were listed as "easy to moderate"!)
enjoy!

on top of NY

2011-08-22T08:13:00.020-04:00

i can't recount the whole experience to you of climbing 2 of the adirondack high peaks because it would take too much of your time. but i do hope to give you a small glimpse into what we experienced this weekend. please click on the pictures to expand them.

our first view of the mountains

we left home saturday and drove the 6 hours to the adirondack loj. the canvas tent we had reserved was a wooden frame structure, with canvas walls and bunk beds. it was great in theory but the beds would turn out to be so uncomfortable that we both privately toyed with the idea of sleeping in the car. and our neighbors turned out not to care about the 10PM no noise policy. also, when we got there we discovered there was no food to be had at the loj, as we had to reserve it by 11 AM. we drove back into lake placid and stopped at the first place we saw - wouldn't you know my best friend's parents were there having dinner? when you run into someone you know, hundreds of miles from home, it doesn't matter how close you are or not in regular life - you are suddenly old chums! i threw my arms around her and we then all had a nice (but too long for our schedule) dinner and fancy drink. i ordered the beef tongue. don't judge me.

we discussed getting to the top of mt. marcy, the highest peak in the state at over 5300 feet, for sunrise and decided to go for it. this would mean waking at 1:30 AM. everyone we spoke to said that marcy was a long day, 8-12 hours. at a little over 14 miles round trip, this was hard for us to wrap our heads around. by 11, neither of us had fallen asleep and i was beginning to get worried. i reset the alarm for 3, deciding we couldn't summit by dawn with only 2 hours of sleep. it was too dangerous. so, at 3 AM we grabbed our stuff and drove to the trailhead. somewhere in the back of my mind i was hoping we would be close to the top by sunrise, and that at the very least we would miss the thunder storms predicted for later in the morning.

we signed in at the HPIC registry tables (so the forestry service knows who is up there and what they are doing, if they didn't come down), but besides that there was no stopping.

we hiked hard with a purpose. in the dark, wearing a headlamp, you only see a 10 foot circle, and while we knew we were going up and the terrain was tough we were moving hard. Time was flying. In the end, I'm glad we couldn't see what we were doing. more on that later...
by 5:45 we could see the first glimpse of the sun as we reached the alpine environment above tree line.

gradually the microwave sized boulders were replaced with car sized boulders and bed rock, and the trees shrunk from towering 100 feet above us, to miniature christmas tree size. we were hiking hard, and sweating.

we couldn't tell if the garmin was right and how much farther the summit actually was, but finally as we rounded a corner and the trees gave way - we saw it. WHAT? we only had 4/10ths of a mile to go and that left to do! it was daunting.

first glimpse of the summit

i was intimidated, but we set ourselves to it like the rest of the hike up - one step at a time, push push push.

i was slightly fearful of how we were going to get down, because the stone highway was quite steep. i was also afraid of a thunderstorm rolling in and making it all wet. it was a looong way to get below treeline again and if we got caught out, we may not make it.

when we reached the top and turned around..... i just can't tell you. it feels like you are on Mars - never seeing terrain or vegetation like that in your life.

in the last 100 yards to the true summit, the temperature must've dropped 20 degrees and the wind must've gusted over 50 mph, because in this picture, i was bracing myself hard.

we spent a few minutes eating and taking pictures, but there were ominous clouds and we were getting cold fast. it turns out it took us 3 hours and 25 minutes to summit. "all day", my ass. they must not get a lot of ultrarunners up there :-) we were very lucky to have been the only ones there. as the highest peak, and with a well marked and generally simple trail, marcy is the most visited mountain and there is always someone else on the summit, we are told.

we started our decent, curious to see all those miles of terrain we only saw by headlamp.

how surprising to find that what we thought was pretty tame, was brutal looking and the way down. i would argue with anyone that down is harder on the legs than up, and by the time we had been descending 3000 feet relentlessly over 3.5 miles i was ready for some more up. the boulders were soul crushing - there was just nowhere good to place your feet, no rhythm to the hike.

i think our experience has us judge trails based on their runability. steepness aside, there was no more than 50 yards at a time where that trail could be run above marcy dam. with shivering quads we turn our eyes up mt. phelps.

at only a mile from the intersection with the trail we were on, we figured it would be a nice side trip as it was still early in the day. turns out it climbs somewhere between 1200-1300 feet in that mile, to a summit of over 4100 feet. since there was less alpine wilderness up there and presumably less wind i was looking forward to getting to the top and enjoying a lunch break and more time to enjoy this mountain. the climb was indescribable. obviously it was steep, but this thing was not a trail. we scrambled around the microwave and car sized boulders again, but this time we had the conundrum of trees everywhere. sometimes you braced your foot on a rock and pushed up, sometimes a tree root. always high knees, always crawling around and trying not to grab something loose. though i cursed them on the way up, the trees would play a vital roles on the way down.
after a 8/10 of a mile, we began to hear low rumbles. very distant thunder. so distant we figured we had a ton of time, or that it would never reach us. the higher we went, the faster we were going but, fast is relative. it took us 50 minutes to do the entire mile, which is unfathomable, but true. also, the higher we got, the louder the thunder was getting, though it was still a way off. we passed people coming down who told us we were close. i was getting scared because the rumbles were getting louder, but i had just gone through some sort of hikers purgatory to get here, and i was going to summit damn it! as jim took video, i raced to the top. i saw the rock cairn, grabbed a look of the scenery and said 'let's go!' jim wanted photos first, but inside i was going nuts.

unfortunately we only have video of the trail up phelps. this is me at the top, tired and scared

the thunder was getting much louder. just as he packed his camera away, it started to sprinkle. he said ' let's run everything that's runnable' and i thought to myself 'nothing was runnable!' at that moment, lightning struck just to the west of me, close by. and i discovered that there was something runnable. i screamed and hauled it as fast as i could. 60 seconds later, lightning struck just behind me at the summit we had been standing on, the flash and subsequent boom were virtually at the same moment, and i screamed and began to pray. the rain started flooding down on us like someone turned on the fire hose. we were still above tree line, making us perfect conductors. there was someone on their way up in front of jim and as he came barreling down on them he yelled 'GO! GO! GO!' and they turned and high tailed it too. they were slower than us, and i was grateful to be in front of them, with my odds of getting struck now slightly lessened. i know that sucks, but it's how i felt. grateful for more targets.
after some painful descent, the lightning started to ease off, though the rain continued in earnest and i had to ditch my glasses. the trail had been turned into a river and very treacherous. the trees and roots everywhere turned out to be a blessing, as i mainly used my arms to get down - hanging on and swinging my body to the next boulder. i can't say enough how hard it was to hike down fast after all we'd already put our thighs through! when we reached the bottom after 40 minutes, i was so grateful that we were alive, but also ready to be done. though the mileage total wasn't impressive, we had a lot of time on our feet and so much elevation and so little sleep- we were spent. we hiked out, signed the trail registers and were on our soaked and muddy way.

the fact that we did 2 summits in 9 hours when that is the recommended 'fast' time for one isn't lost on me. we passed many people on their way up marcy who were dragging and asking us about terrain and distance. one exasperated man, in a wavering falsetto voice asked us 'how much further to the top?' we felt bad, because we knew it was going to be an awful day for him.

i would highly recommend the high peaks to people who are moderately fit and have experience on the trail, but would never tell a sedentary person to just go on up. at the loj they tell us medical problems and emergencies are common - with heart attacks a regular occurrence. when we arrived, and ambulance was waiting at the trailhead, and forest rangers were speaking to hikers about an older couple who reportedly would not be able to make it down before dark. people were scattered around the parking lot, reclining on boulders and the backs of their cars looking lost in their own world and totally exhausted.

our high peaks are a treasure, and i can't wait to go climb some more of them. if you are able you should go stand on top of NY yourself - it is an unforgettable experience, and i was lucky to share it with my husband.

Lost: irreplaceable lip pencil

2011-08-18T06:24:00.003-04:00

i had it for an embarrassingly long time. so long, i dare not tell you, lest you lecture me about the shelf life of makeup, micro-organisms, colorful bacterias. generally i don't go out of my way to make myself up, but every girl has the one product that they throw in their bag that we feel will make us sparkle in a pinch, and this was mine.
the color was perfect - it was the exact tone of my lips, just 2 shades darker. for a day occasion i would line my lips very lightly and then gently fill in, throw some chapstick over top to blend it - and voila! new face. i wasn't painted up like some tart, or one of the older ladies who hadn't heard that dark lip liner (bleeding into the feathery wrinkles above and below) made them look slightly crazed or like an aged ex-debutante. when i wore it i was still me, only with the volume turned up.

it was a miracle how long it had lasted. it was the type that was a bit softer, and twisted up from the bottom. no matter how many years i had it it had never threatened to run out, but i was always to frightened to twist it all the way up - wondering how i would handle it if i discovered only a centimeter left. it was a case of the loaves and the fishes - i went on faith that there would be more, and i was never disappointed. no matter how many other little tubes of gloss and balm that rattled around in the bottom of my purse, i always came back to this one. of course that product and shade have been discontinued for half a decade.

the truth is, it's not really lost. i know exactly where it is - flopping around in the bottom of my big 'mom purse'. the trouble is that the mom purse is no longer in my possession, but at the bottom of a dumpster/ sitting in stagnant 1/2 inch of water in a highway drainage ditch/ or already in a landfill.

tuesday morning, while i did the good mommy job of taking my girls for a short hike at a state park, some individual decided that he would like to have what was inside my purse, more than he wouldn't like to smash a window or be caught. i don't think he was after my lip liner.
he was after my wallet - which was chock full of goodies. basically any documentation of who i am, and all of my purchasing power. lucky thing i had my phone on me. lucky thing my girls weren't too disturbed. for all of my panic and instant anger, jim helped me work fast and put blocks on our various cards and such. i was pissed thinking about my wrecked plans for the week and all the paperwork and phone calls i had ahead of me to try and get my life back.

as i drove home (with maya in the back seat telling me she was cold and demanding i roll up my now non-existent window) i chronicled the things in my purse that were lost, besides my wallet. ralph lauren prescription sunglasses. hand sanitizer. my favorite pen. and as i continued my virtual scan, my eyes landed on the one thing that put me over the edge - from annoyance to grief - a poem my husband had written me when we were first dating. he had emailed it to me as he worked a few states away. the subject line had the words "how i feel", with the words "about you" left unsaid. it was a rare offering, because he isn't a mushy guy, which for the most part suits me fine. most other times, coming from him, the phrase "how i feel" is followed by "about the current state of the market" or "about that annoying guy at work". i was so happy to read the few lines he wrote, irreverant as they were, because i knew there was genuine affection underneath them. i printed the email out. i laminated it. it moved from purse to purse for the last 10 years. why i kept it in my purse? i'm not sure - maybe as a talisman, good luck. i could always look at it i guess, wherever i was, and know how jim felt.
until someone smashed my car window and took it from me.

i wept bitterly at the realization that it was gone. later, i cursed angrily when i knew my lip pencil was no more. for $25 cash and the tank of gas the guy was able to purchase before the cards were stopped, he caused me untold anxiety, wasted time and extra work. and he took something precious to me. irreplaceable. the first time, this new guy that i really really liked, let me know he cared about me.

we live in a world where nothing has value anymore. not car windows, not time... not people. when he rifled through my wallet and saw a picture of my babies, did he feel remorse? did he realize that i was worth more than just a quick buck because i was someone's mother? when he saw my poem, did he just cuss that it wasn't something more valuable? i console myself with the idea that when he robbed me and saw all those personal effects, perhaps he'd be touched to not do it again. but my hope is naive, because it's likely he's done it again already.

i move on. the process of obtaining my new old identity, and other various effects will be completed soon. the new window will be in today. and perhaps there is balance in the universe. perhaps i make up for his lack of regard for people, in my regard for things that are meaningful, but monetarily valueless.

evolution in (my) running, and a confession

2011-08-01T10:56:00.004-04:00

first, the confession: my next race is the Hinson Lake 24 Hour.
hello, my name is shelley, and i am addicted to timed races.

why was this a secret? i dunno. well, i do maybe, but i don't want to talk about it. let's just say that the last time i tried to do something so silly i had a) very little fun b) a lot of pain c) a mountain of disappointment in myself d) a run in with a few members of an elusive, endangered species: the rude and nasty ultrarunner.
the idea of doing this again was so far out of my consciousness that i figured it would never happen. it wasn't like labor. i didn't forget the pain nor did i desire redemption. so, why i am doing this again is beyond anything i can humanly measure and instead i'll simply blame it on God. i will offer no further explanation, for fear of boring you to tears.

after NC 2010 - can you see the exhaustion, disappointment
and pain in my face? if i try hard, i can still feel it

second, i want to address an evolution in my running that should have me running scared of such another big race, but instead has me pleasantly looking forward. to date this year i have run hundreds less miles than last year. i have done fewer long runs. i have woken up much later on most days. i have skipped workouts and hit the snooze button. i am 6 lbs heavier. and i am cross training about 4 hours less each week. while i should be frightened of all of this, i'm not. i have hit upon something - i am running exactly as many miles each week as makes me happy.

no longer am i in a state of constant grouchy sleep deprivation. no longer is my self worth tied up in my dailymile stats. and no longer am i dreaming about my race day heroics. i am looking forward to a pleasant day and night in the woods, in my favorite state of the union, with my husband and 200 potential new friends. there will be low points and high points and dancing and eating and singing and relentless forward motion. most of all i am looking for fun, because fun is what the whole thing is for.

when i only ran 90 miles at Northcoast last year, i felt like i had wasted all those hours of training and planning. it wasn't good enough, and worst of all - i didn't enjoy the race. what a shame to have put all the effort in, for what amounted in my mind, to nothing but lingering pain, and humiliation. running took over my life, less so than the year prior, but it still was in the driver's seat. my family suffered from my constant exhaustion, and my runs were a chore. the long runs were always fun, and remain to this day, my favorite workout each week, but the rest of it was wasted in my opinion, especially because i am not a good runner. i may never be a good runner. a person, such as myself, who is not naturally gifted has to work unbelievably hard to overcome that and make up the difference. i have discovered that as much time and energy as i have to give, isn't enough - so why suffer?

i have decided to run for me. finally. i have decided to run happy, and do the best with what i have. i do my specific workouts that will prepare my muscles for the race at hand, and do just enough running so that i can finish and still be smiling, and not a lick more. if i were single, and had all the time in the world to devote to myself - i'd run every afternoon. but i am not, and as it is, my running has exacted a price from my family, and an even higher one in me- paid out in exhaustion, dashed hopes and mental turmoil. i won't do this anymore. i'm not interested in fighting to be somebody, i already AM somebody.

one day, when my kids are grown and jim and i are enjoying a peaceful life with endless summer days stretching before us, perhaps he and i will go out and run hard every day. we'll try to be our very best, recognizing the cost is minimal compared to the reward. right now, i am missing some of the most wonderful experiences in life, in my family and my running, because i have been caught in a net of trying to be something else - a great runner. to truly embrace being 'just a participant' means letting go of the useless pressure, and the emotional beatings. and i am finally ready for that evolution to be complete.

run happy.
run on.

lost in plain sight

2011-07-25T10:22:00.005-04:00

for your reading pleasure, a few tips on what NOT to do if you are lost in the woods:

1) if the park is hemmed in on 4 sides by main thoroughfares and a body of water, you are in fact, not really lost in the woods. a 577 acre park is hardly losing your way in some vast wilderness. after you've made the requisite phone calls to tell people that you are 'lost in the woods' they are allowed to tease you mercilessly once you are safely standing on the shoulder of a 4 lane highway and on the way back to your car. "you could get lost on the treadmill and have to call for help." sadly, yes. yes i could.

2) that whole adage about not panicking? well, it's true. maybe if i were calmer i would've stopped making about 3 dozen random turns, and stopped to look around, and read my map, and then tried to use the GPS watch i was WEARING to find my way back. if you are freaking out, you can't make a good choice because everything you think and do is driven by fear. i had a lot of brilliant ideas about what i should've done after i was out on a recognizable road.

3) don't assume that because the OTHER county parks are marked well, accurately, and that their trails all lead to somewhere that it is the same for all of them. i realized this after following green blazes for a mile that stopped dead in the middle of private land with waist high grasses and thorn bushes. if i hadn't made so many stupid turns, was able to read the sun... anything! - maybe i could've found my car. maybe if i wasn't clutching my sweaty shredded map like it was a security blanket and actually tried to decipher it i wouldn't have ended up with bloody itchy legs, dehydrated and emotionally exhausted.

the remains of my map

4) if you aren't loaded down with water and have all the dang time in the world (for example: if you have to go and pick up your children from summer camp at a specific time) then perhaps trying a new trail is an activity for another time. a tight time schedule, and very little fuel enhances the panic ten fold. at the very least - do some re-con before going to find out how the trails are laid out and if they are easy to navigate.

5) in fact it probably IS safer to hang out with the creepy leering homeless guys on the canal towpath than it is to go off in the woods alone. you can probably outrun the creeps, but you can't outrun lostness. i tried. running faster doesn't make it go away.

itchy, scratched up legs

6) finally: know your limitations. my husband can go someplace once and he knows how to get back out. he has an intrinsic sense of direction, i do not. the few times i have navigated a new trail on my own, i have always gotten off it, or very lost. i should not be exploring by myself.

i am alive. there are no bears in the greece canal park, and i didn't die of dehydration. someone else picked up my kids, my husband talked me off the ledge by asking me to stop moving and listen for the sound of traffic and to walk towards it. it took me over unfriendly posted land, but i got out... 4 miles from my car, but out i got. was all a good reminder to be vigilant and not to go alone ahead of an adirondack trip and all of our other future adventures. and it reaffirms my love for timed, short loop races... where the only direction to go is left. always left.

5 year old runs marathon!

2011-07-18T06:39:00.002-04:00

i made the rookie mistake of asking lily BEFORE i asked her daddy, whether she wanted to run a marathon this summer. of course, she said yes. jim was skeptical whether it was a good idea and to try and scare her straight, jim shows the end of his burning river video and when she sees her daddy filled with emotion, doubled over, pain all over his face,
she just wants to do it more. she begs us to let her.
'okay - if the YMCA says that you are old enough to do this, then we'll let you try', we said.

the Y kids marathon takes place over 5 weeks. kids are charged with running and walking 25 miles on their own, and recording their miles in 1/4 mi increments by filling in the feet on a little chart. for every 5 miles she would receive a charm for her necklace as well. on the final day of the challenge, all of the kids join together and run 1.2 miles to finish the distance. it seemed doable, but i thought she might grow bored of the whole enterprise and i feared i'd have to nag her to do her miles.
turns out, she was the one nagging me.

nearly every day she made mention of getting some miles in, of the medal she feared she wouldn't receive if she didn't "do more miles", and wondered if she was further ahead than the other kids. she talked about that medal like it was the holy grail and fretted often about not making it, yet also celebrated each foot she filled in. in the end - this kid was self motivated, joyful, focused and driven. she did 2 things that i can't seem to mesh - she was competitive AND she had fun - taking time to dance, explore and walk when she needed to, yet staying soundly focused on the task set before her.
when they finally put that medal around her neck last thursday, i squealed with delight for her. she had her medal, just like daddy, and she had so much to be proud of. below is a video of her experience, we think it highlights her drive and her joy and hope that you are inspired by it as we are of her!

this n' that

2011-07-11T19:12:00.005-04:00

feeling better after a week of very light duty. still working my hips out and getting myself limber again, going to hit the yoga mat pretty hard in the coming weeks. if i don't i'll end up back at the chiropractor's office... not a fun place to visit. and now that that whole business is out of the way, i can start training for the next race. there is a next race, but it's a secret - so live with it. why is it a secret? cause that's how i roll. we'll say, 'maybe i'll tell ya later' and leave it there.

in other news this may be the BEST.WEEK.EVER! well, so far anyway. my children are at summer camp together, all five days of this week! it's only for a few hours each morning, but it has been a rare occasion when i wasn't with these kids and been a) racing b) on a date with jim. occasional errands, yoga class and of course during runs.. but always laced with guilt, and nothing kills a good time faster than guilt. every day this week they are having much more fun without me - i can sleep in and do some morning running, shopping, vegging etc. the sky is the limit! sweet freedom! on top of that, my nephew should be born this week. just thinking about it makes me teary- my only sibling, having a baby of her own. now i know how she felt when my girls came. it's nice when one of your friends is pregnant and stuff, but it's not the same. this is blood, and i already love him. i just can't wait to see his little face.

finally, i want to ask: have you ever stumbled across some wonderful local institution and kicked yourself for not knowing about it sooner? a great restaurant that has duh! been there like, forever! or a secret garden some place? the first time i went to chimney bluffs, or the spray park that's just 2 miles away, or the dollar tuesday morning kids movies at regal cinema all come to mind. well i am having one of those moments today. i vaguely recall hearing of the lehigh valley trail, which is in southern monroe county, but because it wasn't in my back yard i haven't bothered. it's a 15 mile linear abandoned rail trail passing through 4 town hamlets. ummm... "hello, perfect training grounds calling for shelley viggiano."
"hello, is this 30 mile out and back? hi, yes, i was looking for a fast 50k on shaded trails?"
"dear God, how can i direct 2 races? can you clone me?"

i dunno - either way this has been a big duuuuuuh moment for me, and i will be exploring this trail as soon as i can get a free day for myself. i'll report my findings post haste!

summer is in full swing kiddies, get out and live a little!

(regarding the photo...well, i told you it was a bit of this and that, so i give you baloney: a highly underrated lunch meat.)

Columbia Cool Rules Peformance Shirt Review

2011-07-07T08:22:00.004-04:00

What do you think of when I mention Columbia Outfitters? If you were like me, you'd think: camping. puffy down coats. fly fishing in Yosemite. bouldering. I didn't particularly equate Columbia Sportswear with running gear, that is until I got my body inside of one of their Cool Rules Short Sleeve tops. After taking it for 3 runs in the same day, and wearing it for a 50 mile trail race over the weekend, I can safely say that this is one product that holds it's own in the sportswear industry.

According to their website, Columbia began in 1938 as a hat company, and in 1960 outdoor clothing was added to the line. For 50 years now Columbia has been outfitting fishermen, skiiers, hikers and other outdoor enthusiasts... a list which has come to include trail runners.

For my part, I was required to give my cool rules shirt a good workout. I could think of no better challenge to run all day in 89 degree heat and see how it held up. The first things I noticed about the shirt is the lovely color, the true to size fit (hello!), the modest coverage, and the silky material. I expected a shirt that has a 30 UPF rating to be thick and uncomfortable, but miraculously it isn't. Columbia made this shirt with their omni-freeze technology, making claims that it will disperse the heat faster and keep me cooler. I wasn't so sure about that. A shirt is a shirt, right?

My first test had me take it on 3 runs in one day. Wearing it for the first time I decided it was highly comfortable and there was no 'getting used to it' period. You see, I am a comfort girl. I have watched my husband go for a run in jeans and a cotton shirt before, but that seems beyond crazy to me. I am the sort of person who laces and re-laces shoes, adjusts sock seams, abhors chafing and will not stand for constricting elastic, reduced range of motion, small neck holes and short hemlines. Bad construction and discomfort can ruin a run for me. So when I put my Columbia shirt on I was pleasantly surprised to find I was comfortable with the cut, weight and my reflection in the mirror immediately. While I ran I didn't think about what I was wearing, it was a cooler day and whatever sweat I did generate evaporated faster than I've experienced before. Maybe it was true, maybe this shirt would keep me cooler. I decided to put it to my ultimate test.

I fret about race day gear for weeks in advance, so to change my shirt choice the week before is a big deal, but I really wanted to see how my Cool Rules shirt worked out. The answer - like a champ. They tell me after I crossed the finish line that it was a rough day for so many, that only half those who signed up for 50 miles were able to complete it, and they blamed it largely on the heat. I heard many people on the course complaining about the heat. I was confused about this because if you asked me the temperature I would have claimed it was much cooler than predicted and probably didn't break 80, yet it reached 89. The heat index in the pastures was higher I am sure, but I honestly wasn't bothered. I don't recall having a drippy, soaking wet shirt and by the time I was done, my shirt was dry. I didn't even need to change it when I finished. I can't explain it other than to say - it's gotta be the shirt. I was very pleased and this is my new go-to shirt for summer running. If you are a hot weather runner, I highly recommend you pick one up.

The Cool Rules top retails for $45 and is available on Columbia's website and other outdoor retailers.

*Shirt provided free of charge by Columbia for testing purposes.

Fingerlakes 50 mles race report

2011-07-04T09:47:00.005-04:00

But you can't slow down now as the earth has presented
A new crest to reach without barely a rest from the last one
Can you wonder what lies beyond?
Though you've been
There before and forget about the effort and the strain
Always ascending, each yard as a mile to the never ending pull
Of the steepening grade that's before you

it is apropos that a week before the race i wrote a post about standing at the starting line, hoping to finish but never really being sure, with a little banner stating that being "DFL" (dead f*cking last) is better than "DNF" (did not finish). but more on that later....

race morning dawned as usual - with dog walking and frantic packing. jim and i hit the road to hector, ny by 3:45 am. as you recall, last year i had registered for 50 miles at FL, but made it 50k before my race had to end. this time i wanted to finish it and put it behind me. to insure this, i invited my friend runNYtrails (aka linda b.) to pace me for my last loop. as she was driving all the way from buffalo (3 hours) it would be my needed incentive to keep going whether i felt like it or not.
the fingerlakes national forest is beautiful and quite vast country, crisscrossed by dirt service roads and dotted by private pastures complete with monster cow patties (no cow sightings this year, however.) the course consists of 16 mile loops, with 2 major climbs and descents, the rest being 'quite runnable' (that is if you consider badly rutted pastures, ankle deep shoe-removing mud, rotted bridges and single track so littered with roots it was often a challenge finding room to place your foot - runnable.)

we got to the forest without as much trouble as last year, met up with some friends, for good lucks and picture taking - the usual rigamaroll. lining up at the start i vowed that i would not get stuck in the fast moving conga line of last year, i was going to be very conservative so i could finish the darn thing. at one point i think i was actually 3rd from last place on that first loop - walking anything that remotely looked like a hill. i had fun, found the mud (though worse than last year) frustrating but manageable.

i made it safely and comfortably through my first lap with nothing major to report, save that it took me 3:40 to complete, meaning i had 4:20 to finish lap 2. there was a cutoff to complete the 50 miles - 8 hours for the first 2 laps. when jim asked on the way down if i was afraid of the cutoff, i scoffed at him. as they say - famous last words.

i was now running a bit scared. i felt okay, but was not comfortable with my margin to finish. i blew through the lap line, refilled my bottle with nuun, grabbed an orgain and an ice necklace and hit the trail vowing to run anything that was remotely runnable. as long as i did that i knew i could make it. the first major downhill is over a mile on a dirt road and it is quite steep. i remembered how painful it was last year and was using all my tricks (short zigzags, relaxed rag doll like posture) to manage it. at the bottom you come upon the first AS of the course. here, the aid workers delivered a message from my husband, who was running 15 minutes ahead of me. very sweet of him. i grabbed some water and chips and started the looong steep hike up through the forest to regain all the elevation i just lost. it was when i reached the top that i felt the first twitch in my right quad, just above the knee. i expected it, but was hoping it would hold off longer. living at sea level i have found it is near impossible to prepare for these sustained climbs and descents - we just don't have any terrain like this. now i was really scared. this is when the praying began. at the 2nd AS i received another message from jim, they reported he was now 10 minutes ahead (closer than the last... a bad sign).
i was listening to music at this point and would normally like to be enjoying myself -i was doing my favorite activity in a beautiful place. i was all alone in the woods, as the competitors were strung out along the course. i was hydrated and comfortable ('cept the quads) and in beautiful territory, but all i could think of was how desperately embarrassing it would be if i came in too late and had to tell linda to turn around and drive back home. i began praying. every time i had tripped (i dunno - maybe 2 dozen times) i said an audible "thank you God" when i didn't plant my face in the muck, but now i was beseeching God to sustain my legs and let me make that cutoff. i wore no garmin, but knew the distances between stations quite well. as long as i could run the flats i'd make it. 'oh God please please please get me there in under 8 hours.'

i had one scare this loop when nature called and i had to walk quite a way off the course to get privacy. i had a vague sense of fear when i left the trail, but brushed it off. when i stood up to walk back out, i walked the wrong direction. quickly i knew that this wasn't right. terror and panic set in. i stopped walking because i was going in circles, prayed, and moments later a runner with a red shirt emerged up ahead leading me to the trail. "thank you Jesus!"
back on the trail i pushed wherever i could. no more messages from jim were relayed from the aid workers. i knew this was a bad. eventually i exit the woods and turn right on a road for a 1/4 mile. at the top of the hill i see what has to be jim's back, he is alone and no longer running with the same group of guys. my quads cramping, i do my shuffly run up the hill determined to catch up - maybe he can make sure i finish. when i get to him, he says he can't run. i have no time to deal with the drama - i would love to walk with him and encourage him, but i just can't. must. get. to. linda. have 1:30 to complete 5.5 miles that are relatively flat, even if the terrain is difficult.
this second loop was truly unenjoyable. i have never run against a cutoff, and i have to admit it was scary and pressure filled. i understood a component to burning river that jim experienced that i hadn't before. i was running okay now - but what if i stopped being okay? that specter was always there, like the horse fly constantly buzzing next to my head. with a 1/2 mile left, when it became apparent i was going to make it - i had no cares in the world. i consoled myself for 3 hours that if i could finish loop 2, i would 'walk this bitch out' - no worries anymore!

i blew over the timing mat at 7:45 and told the RD to "light the tiki torches, i'm going back out!". linda was there and ready to rock, though she confessed she was getting nervous for me. i grabbed another orgain, a new ice necklace and linda filled a second bottle for me. we set off at a nice hiking pace. those first few miles she would frequently suggest that i run, eventually when she figured out i was tired and stubborn she just let me do what i wanted.
the last loop was tiring to say the least. the tops of the hills had me doubled over trying to catch my breath, though i had more fun this loop than any other. runNYpacer and i were having lots of enjoyable conversation about this and that, scouting mushrooms (she's a mycophile) eating, drinking and looking at the pretty forest that i hadn't been able to appreciate. with very little running, it was quite tedious and i apologized frequently to her. though to her credit, she seemed not to mind.
i began inquiring at all the AS and checkpoints if i were the last one. for a while i was told there were 4 people behind me, but eventually i got the news - yes, i was the last one. the others had dropped. greeeeeat. you would think this would make me fight to not be last, but i had it in my mind that i was hours behind the next closest person, and to be quite honest i didn't really care about my finishing time. i was however quite embarrassed that i was keeping the volunteers out there so long. we'd come up to a checkpoint and find the workers staring hard down the trail, willing us to appear so they could finally go home. of course, no one made me feel like that at all. each station i came to was the same - the mad, over the top, patronizing cheering that one would give to a small child who made poops on the potty the first time. "yay! you're doing so good! way to go!" with lots of hoots and hollers. oh gawd! how horrible! i'm THAT person. 'this is my 10th ultra!', i wanted to scream at them. 'i am NOT doing good!' i soldiered on, the weight of their perceived pity on my shoulders.

with a 1/2 mile to go, linda suggested i run. of course i said no, but 30 seconds later started running (this happened every time she suggested i try to run actually...) i found that i was able to move pretty good. i could smell the barn now and i knew my husband was probably bored out of his mind and anxious to see me. my "a" goal of 10 hours had come and gone. the "b" goal - 11, was also passed. 12 hours was my last resort - so when i watched as the timex moved into the 13 hour mark, i was in new territory. 'maybe i can finish in 13:10, if i don't stop running.'

when i came into view of the finish line, i was flooded with more of the same over the top congratulations from staff and spectators. i dropped my pack and bottle and raced to finish the half mile "baby loop" to make it an even 50. linda followed me and asked if running was "comfortable". "no", i said. "wanna walk?", she asked. "NO." there was no way to shield my eyes and ears from the over blown praise i was receiving as i ran to the mat the final time. i wished i could put a bag over my head. i wished these people weren't looking at me like this. i don't deserve this praise - my race was pathetic. (final time - 13:10:55) i couldn't get out of there fast enough, but everyone wanted to chat and tell me how great i'd done. i couldn't accept it, i thought they were all full of shit.

i packed up and said goodbye to linda, exchanging gifts of food, as is our custom.
yesterday jim claimed that when i was an old lady, i would look back on this race as one of the important ones in my life. i disagreed, saying that the races that mean the most to me, are the ones where i learned something. again, as they say - famous last words. on my recovery walk this morning i recalled being the volunteer, and spectator at countless races, long and short. and heaping the same, earnest, over-the-top praise on the slower competitors. but i am never full of shit - i always mean it from the bottom of my heart. i always think of how admirable it is for the less talented runners to even show up, let alone to complete. the ones for whom there are no awards, or satisfaction of age group placement. who come out and spend hours more than the others, working hard (arguably harder) at finishing. on my best days, i know i am a much better runner than the performance i gave this weekend. but i stuck it out. no one after me had the courage or ability to finish. out of 101 fifty mile entrants, i was the 46th finisher - more than half were unable to go on. there is pride in being the last survivor. as much as i cheer and encourage runners who, like me, don't have a natural gift to run - i don't give myself the same kindness. how does the old saying go? what we teach is usually what we most need to learn? when i coach novice runners i always celebrate their accomplishments, and try to instill a sense of pride in them - even for trying and falling short. it is much more than other people will do, content to sit home on the couch and watch the race on tv instead.

i deserve to feel good about this race. so this whole hang-dog routine that i've had for the last 36 hours is being put to bed. i have decided i am going to be proud of my first "Dead Fucking Last". maybe it'll be the only one, maybe i'll experience this again, but one thing i know - next time the people are cheering for me i am going to hold my head up and absorb the accolades. because i deserve it.

The song lyrics are from a stephen stills song, called "thoroughfare gap" that i have quietly sung to myself in many quiet woods. every trail ultrarunner should commit this song to their heart.

Then take it as far as you see and beyond
With eyes you don't use enough to gather up strength
As thoroughfare gap, what awaits is whatever you see
When you get there of even before
It's no matter, no distance, it's the ride

my hike name will be 'Seneca'

2011-06-27T08:39:00.008-04:00

my dreams are slippery. at any moment they posses me like a new love interest - i can only think, eat, sleep, live, talk about them until all of the regular, less favored people in my life pack it in and suggest i give them a call when i've relocated my wits.
it is a curse to be an excitable and passionate person, although i find myself a lot more interesting than most, that may just be my vanity. i am prone to driving those close to me insane when i am constantly hopping from fancy to fancy like a mentally disabled child in an overstimulating room. sort of like a teenager with their dirth of revolving fashion fads and slang terms but without the perky butt and shiny hair.
there is always some kick i'm on - some recently discovered health craze or diet adjustment, a new form of exercise that finally promises to give me the body God didn't, a project around the house, a new skill or craft to learn. when i'm in the midst of one of my new crazes, i really am delirious - possessed by the task and determined to execute with perfection. i can be exciting to be around if you are into the same thing but if you give it time, despite my protestations to the contrary i will surely cast off the object of my affection for a new habit just as abruptly as it took over my life.

currently there is a huge box of miscellanea in the dining room holding the cast off contents of 70% of the 1st level of my home that has been unmercifully pawed through. watching the robillards get rid of all of their personal items so they could start a new life made me jealous for the unencumbered freedom of living with very little stuff. i suddenly realized that i am overwhelmed with all this junk we have, confused as to how we collected it all and bent on reducing it to bare essentials. inevitably i have run out of steam for the project. i'll finish the whole house before the summer is through, but the enjoyment and preoccupying obsession ran out of gas just as fast as air out of an untied balloon. it is a rarity for me to completely abandon one of my kicks, but it has happened. ask me about the expensive box of water colors (complete with how to guide, and very costly paper), the yards and yards of rug braiding wool, the raw leather and moccasin making pattern, the guitar lessons.

most of the time my obsessions follow a pattern- my imagination is captivated with a new idea, i elevate the new idea to a level just below deity even to the point of using thoughts of the object to lull myself to sleep at night- it lasts a few weeks, a couple of precious months, and then i move on to the next flavor of the month. i don't drop the old, i just don't care about it so damn much. i was obsessed with yoga. now i just do it twice a week and don't feel the need to proselytize, practice day and night, learn the complicated names for poses and watch videos on youtube. i can say the same for ultrarunning, novel reading, barefoot running, natural foods, home design and rehab, various workout fads, gardening and the list goes on - a veritable graveyard of activities that were the 'most-important-thing-in-the-world-ever!' that quickly went out of favor as they were unmasked for what they really are - demagogues.
i still garden, and like to cook natural foods. i still run ultras in tiny shoes. i just don't think those things are terribly important. at least not to the point of allowing them to devour me.

writing this is cathartic. i have had a goal for the last 2 years to thru-run/hike the AT someday. at times i was obsessed with thoughts of it - how and when could i execute this (the answer - when i am 45, provided i have support from jim and the rest of the family. that is the year maya will be 18 and i would no longer feel guilty leaving for 4-6 months.) as i am only 31, this is a long time to grasp one of my typically precarious dreams. at times since the idea was birthed i have come to be dangerously preoccupied by it, at other times it just exists there like an old knick knack on the shelf that you dust around but never move. recently a friend got me a printed AT journal from Bluebird's (all thru-hikers have trail names, and if you don't choose one yourself, one is chosen for you. a fate that is usually quite undesirable) entries on trailjournals.com when she hiked in 2006. i am reading it voraciously, which is the only way i really know how to read, and once again feel the object of my desire strong arming it's way into my consciousness. i imagine the thru-hike, busting into a moderately crowded room, pushing and shoving it's way passed the organic tomatoes, ultraraces and household clutter and enthroning itself as king of my imagination. right now, it's hard to think of the time when it will be overthrown, but it will eventually be reassigned to a folding chair in the closet when the next dream bullies it's way in. i wonder if the AT will kick around in there long enough for me to see it through? and if i do make it to georgia, will i quit in virginia because i suddenly want to learn the blue grass banjo?

Green Tunnel from Kevin Gallagher on Vimeo.

i don't know, i hope so

2011-06-21T12:45:00.006-04:00

humility is a good quality to posses as a human being in general, and certainly as a runner. it's bad karma to brag or to claim your finish time before the gun even goes off. if you do that, you are just asking to fall short. but humility is especially key for an ultrarunner. give it a think- how many DNFs ("Did-Not-Finish") did you witness at your last 10k or even at your last marathon? the vast majority of people who stand at the starting line of a normal distance race, at some point, cross the finish line. the same cannot be said for ultrarunning.
ultrarunning is a sport that has, on average, a 45-75% finishing rate. and before you think that that is representative of the under trained schlubs let's remember anton krupicka's stomach problems forcing him from leadville, geoff roes dropping out of bandera because he "felt off", meltzer at hardrock, jurek dropping out of UTMB or WS or stopping early at northcoast cause he wasn't into it. if you don't know, these are big names in our sport - the best in the world. people who could muscle their way through a marathon no matter how sick/ bad/ off/ stiff/ tired they were feeling. ultrarunners for the most part train year round, and put months of specific prep into big races. to not finish is not an easy decision, but frequently a necessary one because the DNF list grows, with all the names- the best and the worst of us.

i was reminded of this need for humility on saturday during my last long run before fingerlakes. my 35 miles in seneca park was in the bag as far as i was concerned - just go do it. collect my time and be on my merry way. but then i got the stomach problems. then the headache. the stiff hips, the slow legs, the mental blahs. that's when the bargaining set in - well, maybe 30 is okay. or just run for 7 hours and see how far that takes me. 2 more out and backs is enough - what are those few extra miles worth? as my resolve to keep going, went, and as i guiltily thought about the beautiful saturday morning i was "wasting" in the woods without my family, it occurred to me that i've only run 50 miles 3 times. and NEVER in the woods. while i was busy consoling myself with other people's sub-par training, i remembered dropping out at FL50 last year. and i knew that no amount of will power or determination could have made my quads stop seizing. it dawned on me afresh: it's not in the bag. it's NEVER in the bag. training well only increases my odds of avoiding the DNF list.

for you short distance runners out there: can you imagine working for months and years consistently towards a race, and not seeing the finish line? it is a regular occurrence in ultra marathoning, and is destined to get us all. no matter how hard you work or how fast you run, if you turn your ankle in the first 3 miles - it's over. the flu your kids brought home cares not a bit that you have to run for 10 -30 hours this weekend. not getting adequate fuel can stop you dead in your tracks. and the mental demons - the blackness that comes out of nowhere with the intention of swallowing you up - waits for all of us. every ultrarunner will experience it, in one race or another. it takes over your mind and convinces you that you don't care about finishing or running ever again. a dark that is so dark you can't ever imagine seeing light again.

this is a part of the experience- that you can prep your brains out, but in the end, it's little more than a dice roll. none of us, even the most gifted, should ever stand on the starting line and think 'it's as good as done'. this is not a question of can you finish, rather will you finish? we should all ask ourselves that, knowing that the only reasonable answer is:
i don't know. i hope so.

for the dads

2011-06-16T06:17:00.005-04:00

jim was listening to a talk radio program one morning this week, in which they were interviewing a man who had penned a book about changing gender roles. The sound bite i was told went something like this: 60 years ago if a man went out and worked long hard hours for his family, he was considered a good man. these days, he would be looked down upon for neglecting his family. i thought about it and decided that any way you slice that, it's just about right.

married family men have a hard go of it. think on that - for centuries a man's role was as provider and the better he accomplished this, the more valuable he was. then something happened in the late 60s and early 70s- the women decided they wanted more. and they wanted it now. more for themselves and from their husbands. many of them decided to leave- a mass exodus from the kitchen of the family home to a basement apartment, and a career complete with new wardrobe from Macy's. if the gals didn't leave, many of them still went off to work due to a changing economy, or the restlessness created by domestic duties. and the men were left in the lurch. they were in uncharted territory. their mothers didn't demand that their fathers take them to couple's counseling, or help with the child rearing, or do any more around the house than to fix a leaky pipe and mow the grass. for all they could tell, their mothers didn't even have needs, domestic robots that they were. and now what were they to do? 20 years later women only wanted yet more - more attention, equal splitting of household chores, trips to the doctor's office with the sick child. but still be a provider! still work hard! but not too hard, or we'll feel neglected. (you'll be accused of workaholism! you selfish man!)
today's men who are more involved parents, spend more time with their family, and tend to their wife's needs are modern day heroes, and i hope you can see that. they are asked to live lives that, historically, men never had to. and do it well. and smile. and stay in balance. and don't blow it. it is an unbelievable amount of pressure, and as hard and thankless as the mama's job is, just how much worse must it be to carry the weight of the financial burden and work stress, plus be everything to everybody once you come home?

my own dad had a 'typical-american-post-war-middle-class' upbringing. with mama in the kitchen and daddy at work. with bicycles and beer and baseball. he met my mom in the early 70s, when the women were getting bossy. she gave him a year, then required a ring (i am my mother's daughter). they married. he worked hard. she made curtains. there was beers and baseball and motorcycles and hunting cabins. then there was a little girl. then another one. and a little house in the old neighborhood, with a plaid couch and a Suburban and hard work to pay for it all.

when i was 6 my father quit his good job with great benefits, and securing a partner to fill in the gaps, he started his own business. as a mother with small children myself, i can't fathom how scary that must've been for he and my mother. statistics show that more than half of all small businesses fail. maybe he didn't know that when he bought an old mechanics garage and a couple of machines. i don't remember a smell of fear around the house in the mid 80s, but that just means they were doing a good job parenting. he made it though, and is newly retired after selling the business for a nice sum. gratefully, he and my mom can finally rest.

me and dad, 1983

my dad had a hard time with me, i'm not gonna lie. an indifferent student who felt no gratitude for the private education he worked hard to give me, i only wanted to learn what i felt like learning. a low energy girl, with little to no intrinsic motivation. i found it hard to focus and hard to respect anyone or anything, myself included. emotional and dramatic, inherently selfish, and lacking in empathy i was. my parents let us know, rightly, that life was not about the kids - it was about the grownups. but i railed against that. in my world - everything was about me. i know how terrible it was to parent me, because i seem to be parenting one just like it now. that's called karma. i feel sorry, but not too sorry. how can you regret being what God made you?
though he probably felt like he was running up against a brick wall with me, a lot of learning got through anyhow. when i work, i work hard because it's the right thing to do. i take risks, but don't go overboard. i enjoy the things money can buy, but am not ruled by it. i am highly literate. i am generous. i am a dreamer. all of these things are because of him.

my dad is an awesome grandpa

i don't know many things, but here is what i know now that i didn't at 8 or 15 or 20 - parents are people too. when you are young, the center of the universe looks suspiciously like the reflection you see in the mirror. but what i've found out is that parents are married people and friends and workers and siblings and citizens. had i known that my dad's sole motivation in life wasn't to give me a hard time, but to survive it (just like everyone else) maybe i would have been understanding of his imperfections. i can only hope my children somehow extend that grace to us, but the odds aren't in our favor.

my husband is a fantastic dad. the kind of dad who chases the kids up the slide at the playground, lets them eat huge ice cream cones and get it all over the place, who will sit down and patiently teach the girls something new. and he pays the bills and mows the lawn and puts the dishes away (my most hated chore) and takes pretty good care of their mama. his 3 girls love him desperately. just like my dad's 3 girls.

dads have it rough. father's day is the holiday of coffee mugs and fancy ties and new gas grills, but not much real sentiment. we fall all over ourselves on mother's day! our mothers are saints! dads get a steak and a card that has a boat on the front. but i challenge you to give more. tell me about your dad - a fond memory, how he was different that the other guys or just thank him this weekend. he had a lot on his plate, way more than his father did, and he did it the best he knew how.

happy father's day to my dad, and my husband and all the dads out there. we couldn't do it without you.

Somnio Nada Review

2011-06-13T15:31:00.010-04:00

my quest for the perfect minimalist road shoe has run the gamut from utter failure, to just okay. though i've spent over 2 years testing and rejecting 1/2 a dozen reduced and minimal shoes, i had yet to find anything ideal. or even close to ideal. i reluctantly settled for "okay", but always was left wondering why these manufacturers were missing the mark. so many are trying to reinvent the wheel. let's face it, we live in an age where more is more, and the very idea that all we need is quite a bit less, must confound people who work in this business, who have dedicated their lives to "more cushion!" and "more control!"
i'm sorry, a shoe doesn't need toe pockets, it just needs enough room for your toes to spread out inside of it. (the toe pockets ripped, and sole wore through at 400 miles. not to mention the blisters.) nor do we need to retreat 2 millenia and don sandals (straps are too fussy... and what if i LIKE socks?) water shoes are fine for winter (but who wants to sweat it out in neoprene the other 9 months of the year)? so i settled. narrow cross country flats with a slightly raised heel and too much bounce. over sized trail flats that were a bit too heavy, but at least i could fan out my toes. these are the things i've trained and raced in, but i can't say i was happy about it, at least my feet weren't. i just tolerated it. why can't someone make a flat piece of rubber, with a thin layer of mesh and some laces?, i would often lament. a truly minimal shoe! it would do what it was supposed to: protect your feet. not interfere with any of the natural movement of my body, it would be light and nearly invisible. portable ground to cover up the 90 degree summer asphalt, chip sealed roads, twigs and the like. so i could just run, and think of neither my foot displeasure nor every teeny obstacle in my path.

and then Somnio created the Nada. the clouds parted and lo, before me was placed the closest thing to road running ecstasy i had experienced since first losing the big shoes 2 1/2 years ago. back story aside, this is about as close as a shoe can come to minimal perfection in my book, and with only a few minor changes, i would buy enough of these shoes to line my closet with for the next 40 years.

Somnio has been working on this concept of their shoes being 'all about you' with offerings that run the gamut of fits, control levels, cushions and the like... pretty similar to what all the major manufacturers have offered for decades. the Nada is different in this first foray into the minimalist market, and as you can tell, i think they've knocked it out of the park. i've taken them just over 60 miles for a long run, hill repeats, sweaty slogs, stress busting walks, and to the track for some lightning fast speed work and i am ready to give you the preliminary skinny on how they stack up.

The pros:

the first thing you notice about the Nada when you open the box is how light it is. really, words cannot express, but the few friends i had handle it said the same thing: "paper". these things are paper light. i think i have socks that are heavier than the 3.5 ounces this shoe weighs. wearing them feels as next to nothing as anything you've put on. the infamous toe-pocket shoes weigh more than twice what this "normal" looking shoe does. unreal.

volume comparison with my other standbys. considering the Nadas weigh a fraction of the others, it is amazing the volume is similar/ better

flat, flexible and breathable best describes them. there is no bounce or cushion, it truly is a thin piece of rubber(6mm, zero toe-heel drop), with a thin layer of mesh, a very light cushion in the tongue area and feather weight laces. the whole shoe can be rolled into a tight ball, as all minimal shoes should. the flexibility allows your foot to move properly and maintain stability as it forms around obstacles instead of rocking over them, causing twisted ankles and other drama.

decently roomy. i would not say that my toes felt squished, though i wouldn't say i was swimming in them either. definitely nothing like the narrow toe box of a traditional XC flat. plenty of room for an average to wider foot.

toe box comparison

normal looking. maybe you like looking like a counter culture weirdo, and your minimal shoes help you to that end. i, on the other hand, am simply a runner and don't want to be asked 25 times at the start line of a race what is on my feet and why i would wear them. i started running barefoot and minimally because i didn't want to be in pain anymore, not because i wanted to stand out. these shoes allow you to blend in with everyone else, though the reflective silver trim is a bit flashy, giving them a bit of a "super hero" look. essentially, they just look like running sneakers. you won't look like an elf, or a gorilla, or like you stepped out of a time machine.
nothing. i felt like i was wearing nothing. i didn't notice the shoes as a hindrance, i wasn't thinking about my feet, i wasn't longing for my toes to be free, or my feet to breathe. i was happy to wear the shoes and didn't care about removing them right away. they allowed me to run as i like to, with just enough between me and the pavement to zone out and run.
education. this makes me very happy. the shoe makers launched the cushioned, controlled albatrosses on us 40 years ago, and in my opinion they have a responsibility now to not just throw a bunch of new and improved products on us, but to teach the population they hurt how to use them properly. a dvd with stretching and strengthening exercises developed by phil wharton (world renowned trainer, therapist and author) accompany these shoes, along with a PDF file containing a gradually advancing training program. simple and straightforward it will set you on the right path to using these shoes without injury if you are new to minimal running. this is was a very happy addition to a great pair of shoes, and all minimal shoe producers should follow suit.

the cons

the tongue seam. while the rest of the inside of the shoe has a nice soft sock liner, and is very comfy on the naked foot, there is this pesky seam where the tongue is sewn in that rubs against the tops of my toes. since i am a sock girl, this bothered me none. for my sock-less friends, i gave it a go and i confirmed that it was not comfortable. maybe it's just my anatomy or i got a bad pair, but jesse scott had a similar issue.

soft sock liner, wish the underside of the tongue was this seamless

durability. so far, i am not sure this is a negative, but i have a feeling these won't last too long. somnio dubs these a "training tool" not a "full time road- hog ultrarunner's everyday gear". that paper thinness likely will translate into ripped seams not too far down the road. i hope i am wrong. after 60 miles, they really show no wear... further updates after a few hundred miles will give us a better clue.
my socks are red. the red sockliner bled onto my white socks and made them red. okay... this one is a stretch because frankly, i just don't have anything bad to say.

one special note about sizing: i am technically an 8.5 women's, usually choose to wear a 9 for room. the nada runs one full size small, and hence the W 7.5-8 shoe (they come in a size range) is perfect for me, with a thin sock. again, size one full size down for the best fit. The Nada retails for $80 on Somnio's website, as well as from other online retailers.

all in all, the Nada has way more checks in the plus column. this spring when i put on a new pair of inov-8 x-talons, i reached trail running nirvana. with the incredible addition to the shoe family of the Somnio Nada, i have found it's road running counterpart. the collection of "close, but no cigar" shoes will meet their fate in the dustbin, and i will take my happy feet and run off into the sunset!

the Nada was provided free of charge by Somnio for testing purposes. all of the opinions expressed here are my own and not endorsed by Somnio.

clinical shoe trials!

2011-06-08T10:39:00.003-04:00

what we've been calling for for the last few years is finally upon us. a doctor and team of researchers standing by to perform independent testing on performance and injury rates with any shoes that manufacturer's are willing to submit to the study. an unbiased real clinical trial! it is a huge undertaking and it is the key to finally tipping the scales in favor of less shoes worldwide. if the shoe brass will man up and courageously throw their best offerings in the ring, we may be able to find out once and for all what effect raised heel, corrective shoes have on injury pervention and performance.

are you surprised to hear that this has never been done? that the $130 shoes you buy religiously from a billion dollar industry have not been tested for safety or efficacy? as if they didn't have the time or money to do so, right? why don't the shoe manufacturer's test to see if the shoes help you run faster and safer? there are only 2 logical reasons: either they don't care or they know the shoes won't pass the test. and these are the people that you depend on to keep you safe and successful as you participate in something that means so much to you.

see, for all the engineering that goes in, there has never been one single shred of proof that cushioning, raised heels, and corrective devices are appropriate for the vast majority of runners. it is not bad science - it is NO science. this study could blow the lid off of everything, if we can get the shoe makers to participate. how will the asics gel kayano stack up against invo-8s f-lite? how will the nike free perform against five fingers? we'll only know if they consent to the test. if you are in or know anyone in the shoe biz who is willing to participate in this study, i urge you to contact either jason robillard (who is recruiting manufacturers) or to go right to the test source, Dr. Craig Richard.

run free!

summer has BEGUN!

2011-06-06T12:17:00.004-04:00

the start of summer is just a day on the calendar. everyone who's been a kid or has kids knows that summer starts when school ends. and since my little one goes to private school - summer has begun!

last wednesday my big girl lost her first tooth and thursday she graduated kindergarten. 2 big milestones right alongside one another!

it was an awesome event. the teacher said some kind words about each child and when she got to lily she described her as spunky, enthusiastic and a hard worker. and that's when it struck me - yes! lily is enthusiastic, a high energy kid who needs to be 'doing things'. oh man... this is going to be a loooong summer.

lil and grandpa

she adored school and was very sad for it to end. but she is in 1st grade now and we are stoked that we can sleep in! well... i am anyway. we've got a few summer camps lined up, some story time activities and the most exciting thing: a marathon! yep, my 5 year old is going to participate in a 5 week marathon. kids get that much time to complete 25 miles under mom and dad's supervision with a final race for the 1.2 miles as a group. she even gets a finisher's medal! so happy for her. and no, i am not a stage mother... she genuinely enjoys running and wants to do this. at the very least it helps her get her wiggles out, which is a good enough reason right there. this may possibly be my last summer when my gals are still little that it's "just us" full time. my sister's baby boy is coming in october and i plan to be his sitter. so i am going to be enjoying every moment of this time together. there is a chance that by the time i am done watching "baby joe" (and perhaps a younger sibling..?) that lily and maya will be onto their tween years and making me walk 10 feet behind them at the mall, like a geisha.

as for jim and i, the late start to the warm weather has made heat training in preparation for a july 2nd 50 mile, sort of tough. i just can't bring myself to be one of those jerks wearing a parka in 70 degree weather so i can acclimate faster. maybe i'm a pansy, but i am strongly averse to suffering willingly. so today i got to run down by shadeless lake ontario in the blaring sun, low wind and high humidity. yes, i thought i was gonna puke. no, it won't always feel like that. one foot in front of the other is how we get there.
ran the girls on the run monroe county 5k with a little 3rd grader named andrea last weekend. she had the best attitude, was so polite to the volunteers and really did her best. no whining at all. just relentless forward progress and a nice sustained sprint to the finish. what a great event!

almost done with my initial test impressions of the somnio nada. that's one review you'll want to watch out for, because i am stoked about these shoes!

it's popsicle season folks, and God knows it doesn't last long. get out there and soak up every minute of it! and
run on.

into the "woods"

2011-05-31T10:32:00.012-04:00

along the roadway there is a path that leads into the "woods" or 'back there' which may be a better definition. because, what is the woods? if it's simply "big trees" then i suppose i live in the woods. the definition is too ambiguous. i've heard it told that someplace in there, 2 paths converged, and it is more sanctimonious to take the one less traveled. but that is a platitude, because the reality is that most people will choose neither, avert their eyes, and ride on by.

here, the path comes right up to a road, a main thoroughfare even, or a parking lot. around the path there may be litter, or a small sign, or people getting high. it is not remote - it is not "out there" as it were. we americans like to wax nostalgic about nature, as if it were some far off place we should protect by a strict set of laws, "Posted" signs, and overzealous trail maintenance committees. to be real - really real nature - there must be some sacrifice to get there. it is far-flung and it takes skill and resources to find it. in other parts of the world, beautiful little villages are built in the shadow of a mountain. in america the only thing in the shadow of a mountain, is a smaller mountain.

'when will we get to the nature?' my daughter asks as we descend a tree lined path leading to a frog pond. i'm dumbfounded that she doesn't know we're already there. have the forest elite gotten to her, and told her that what lies outside the front door and around the corner isn't the real deal? i get the sense they think that it's been sullied by our very presence. to be good, to be worth something- nature is defined as the place that WE are not. or that's what they are selling me... in a round about way.

i step onto the trail from a dirty, litter strewn parking lot. the sound of latin hip hop, and laughter ceases. the smell of reefer is replaced by damp earth. the leaves close behind me like a shade being drawn. this is it - this is nature. it is not remote. it is not inaccessible to the masses. you live beside it and around the corner. you live IN it. you need no special skills to find it, just eyes to see and feet to feel.

a little bike path in the park, a limestone footpath beside the canal is enough. is there a bird, a squirrel? it's enough. real nature doesn't have to include a mammal large enough to threaten your life. there are paths everywhere- you just have to park and get out and move forward. there is a pull inside of you when you drive past, i am certain. the worn, bowl shaped passage is calling you to discover what's at the other end. we all have that yearning to explore, maybe yours is simply asleep. you need no map, and no compass - walk out the door, find the dirt, and be on your way.

note: all photos of trails taken within 3 miles of my home. they are real and local places, the same ones you probably have by your house.

where was roulon?

2011-05-25T08:04:00.004-04:00

this is a post for the fans of the Biggest Loser. if you are not a fan of the show but have heard of olympic gold medalist roulon gardner (greco-roman wrestling, 2000 summer games, USA) you may be interested to know that he was a participant on this season's show. in the 11th installment of the biggest loser, roulon appeared for the first time in public in quite a while, except now there was a heck of a lot more of him. well over 450 lbs of him to be exact. and last night was the show's finale - the princess moment when all of the contestants come back and show off their hard won, new bodies. what a celebration. how inspiring for overweight americans. except one person, our gold medalist and motivational speaker, wasn't there.
where was roulon?

we are uncertain whether he chose not to show up, or NBC wouldn't have him - either way the effect is the same. the hero descended from his pedestal to become a zero.

on the show, no one worked harder than roulon. his latent fitness, the memory of muscles worked to their breaking point was still there. a person who could pick up a 250 pound man and slam him back down on the mat, twist the toughest components in the world into doughy pretzels, was lurking inside waiting to be resurrected. though he looked like a bear in his workouts, he moved like a lion - fleet of feet, strong, undeterred by anything he was given. at 300 pounds they asked him to do a handstand, and after a 1/2 hour of trying, he was up. he was a spectacle and inspired his castmates.
but there was something missing. i could see it right away. in his interviews, no matter how they pressed or the trainers cajoled, he contended that he had gotten big simply because he "let himself go" and had "given up". which is incredibly silly, because gaining 200 pounds takes effort not laziness. you have to work hard to increase your weight to that level - in all of the turning away from mirrors, avoiding social situations, ignoring clothing labels, and the difficult task of spending the money on and consuming all of those bites of food. it is a high level of effort indeed. and i certainly wasn't buying his story, and you shouldn't either. and if it's your story, it may be time to start beating a new drum.

in the end, roulon did what i expected him to. he was not going to have a real break through. he was going to quit. and he did. when the title of biggest loser was as good as his, a few weeks from the finale he walked away because he "met his goal and was ready to go home." really? 301 lbs is your goal weight? well, to be fair it was about 20 lbs away form his fighting weight, but his fighting weight had him at the level of 'big fat guy with a ton of muscles underneath', probably not his "best" considering he had no plans to wrestle ever again.
so, the question remains, why did he quit? because the answer he gave is bullshit. the simple answer, if you must know is this: he wanted to eat. i could see it in his eyes, from one "stuffer" to another - the man was tired of salad. he longed to eat an entire large pizza in one sitting and put his feet up. not because he was tired from grueling workouts, or just sick of all the virtue of grilled salmon, but because the thing he was hiding from could only be subdued for so long. he needed to stuff it back down before it got out. he couldn't face life without his drug anymore, and he left to get a fix.

what is he hiding? only he knows... or doesn't know. the thing with binge eating is that it keeps you nicely distracted from your feelings while you're doing it, and then you get to distract yourself after your done with thinking about how fat and miserable you are- it's sort of a 2 for 1 proposition. i have to be honest, i do feel bad for the guy. and i feel bad for those for whom roulon was a hero, because disappointment in a role model is a hard pill to swallow. but who i really feel bad for are all the biggest loser fans, who dream of being big losers themselves. they sit on the couch with a half gallon of ice cream and look for inspiration and motivation to do this for themselves. and what they saw, in this storied and incredible athlete, was someone who quit because he was afraid of the truth.
i hope i'm wrong. i hope when roulon comes out of hiding, he's lost another 20 lbs, and he coaches high school wrestlers, and gives inspirational talks and all is well. but i have a feeling i won't be. i have a feeling that in a few seasons he'll be one of the contestants invited back on the show, as a warning to other contestants - do your work, the hard work or delving into your psyche, or you'll end up like me.

Updates galore!

2011-05-22T18:18:00.007-04:00

it's been a while hasn't it? though i went on an obligation-shirking binge this past week for a deserved break, it is now time to meet up with real life once more.

Mind The Ducks, as you can see, went swimmingly. the video was the last piece of the puzzle and i worked feverishly to complete it. i so desperately wanted to put it all behind me and move forward for 7 months of no race prep! happily we made money this year, enough to give a nice check to our charity thanks to all of our runners :-)

the race for education was... a success, but not what was expected. it is likely that lily will be one of the top earners in the school once the final numbers are in this week, which is awesome. thank you so much to those who supported us and this great school!

race day was raining and very cold, so the decision was made to hold the race in the gym. ummmmm, okay! positive attitudes! let's do this thing! i have never been part of something that was so adorable and heart warming yet so so dangerous in my life. they unleashed 30 kids 6 and under to run in circles and stop at each lap to get a little tag punched that was pinned to their clothing. ever run with a 4 year old? the lack of coordination/ peripheral vision/ spatial awareness/ sense for other bodies is alarming with just one of them - but with 25 grownups spectating, walking or punching tags, plus all those kids who thought they were in a sprint instead of an endurance event, i was stepping very lively to say the least. bodies were literally flying everywhere. kids would sprint and then stop dead in their tracks for no reason. take the turns too hard and smack into a wall. suddenly decide to reverse directions and head butt a child behind them. it was chaos: imagine the wackiest obstacle course of a trail run, multiply that vision by 5, then add some flying squirrels and charging bull moose to the picture and you may understand what it was like.
i ran for 3 hours through grades pre-k-4 before i had to go and fetch maya from the sitter. each lap took approximately 24 seconds for me to run. for 3 hours. man, those were some tight turns. the 15 minute break in between classes was awesome because i'd get to change directions for a bit. i was the spectacle and i hated that. had i not raised money on the premise i'd run for 3 hours with the kids i would have bagged it, but i did it for lily and opinions be damned!
for her part lily was so excited i thought her head would explode. she made us take her to the track a few times before the race so she could practice. she worked her way up to 2 miles! on race morning she was the only kid there in tech gear and having her own water bottle... of course.

i jokingly called this her "first ultra" and it played out much that way. she ran like a maniac for 10 minutes and hit the wall, dragging her feet and near tears because she had no energy to run anymore. after walking a couple she started to jog again until she tripped and smacked her knee at 17 minutes. she cried and we walked, holding my hand for a lap. eventually people were running into us and we were causing problems like this, so i gave her a kiss and wished her luck. 2 minutes later she rallied and i watched her finish the 40 minutes with a limpy, smiley faced run. she got 52 laps out of the day. i got... who the hell knows how many. but it was awesome to encourage the older kids. i saw in the faces of the few overweight children, the look of fear and resignation i would have had at their ages. red faced and sweaty they marched it out while the regular sized kids lapped them again and again. i paid special attention to encouraging these kids. i certainly knew how they felt.

all in all it was a fun day for the kids. of course i was disappointed that it seems as though i was the only parent who participated seriously, but i'm grateful for the opportunity. maybe i inspired someone. or maybe they just think i'm an idiot.

lots of talk going on round here these days about our upcoming races... the one we're signed up for, possible ones we might do later this year. i'm not ready to divulge, but it seems as though the racing schedule has reached a fork in the road. do we take the well-lit easy trail with the gentle slope, or the narrow, unmarked one? i thought this year would be more of a rest year, but i'm not sure 'rest' is a part of the viggiano paradigm. at the very least, God tends to steer us towards more and harder and not less and easier, in this life. which way will we go...? you'll have to stay tuned.

and finally, i have my first gear testing gig. life is good, because i get to test something that i am excited about: the Somnio Nada. as soon as they arrive i'll be putting them through their paces and i'll report back with all the dish. if you are like me and have found something to dislike in every minimalist road shoe offering that is available, you should pay special attention to my review of the Nada.

hope you are running healthy and happy right now friends!
run on.

race video

2011-05-19T06:22:00.003-04:00

FYE (for your enjoyment), here is a video from our lil race this past weekend. next week - back to your regularly scheduled nonsense, promise. enjoy!

Mind The Ducks 2011 RD race report

2011-05-15T08:23:00.005-04:00

I got choked up right at the end. I was in the middle of telling a volunteer-friend, who is a new runner, what happens when you finish your first ultra. You are transformed from a weak person to a powerful one. There is nothing in life that feels insurmountable any longer, not once you've willingly wrestled with demons that big. When you know what you are capable of, you can take charge of your life. That's what running ultras did for me, and this is how I choose to repay my debt.
It was an incredible day again this year. Yes, some records fell - all the female age group records were smashed to pieces, as well as the male vet record. There was a lot of inspiring stories at the front of the pack, but what always gets me is the inspiration found in the back. First half marathons, first marathons, first 50k and distance PRs for virtually everyone who participated. Many first time ultra runners have so much to be proud of and it was an honor that they chose to unleash their awesomness at our race.
The wildlife on the half mile course provided a welcome distraction, and the weather, while a bit humid and rainy, seemed to suit the runners quite well. The volunteers have to be recognized for their hard work wrestling with soaking wet tents, but most importantly for the cheering and encouraging they did for each runner, even making an effort to learn all of their names. I don't do too much on race day other than surround myself with great people, who really deserve all the credit.
The inaugural running of Mind The Ducks 12 Hour was so incredible, I thought there was no way we could top it, but we did. It's not about pleasant weather or crazy finishing times, it's about the memories made and lives changed and with twice as many competitors, we bested ourselves.

The race for education!

2011-05-04T09:14:00.001-04:00

This past school year my family has been greatly blessed by the schooling and ministry of Northridge Christian. As a kindergartener, our oldest daughter Lily is recieving excellent instruction, and more importantly, developing a heart for God. I attended Catholic school all of my life, but failed to develop a passion for faith or life, so I know how different her experience is.
My little one is so excited this year to be participating in the "Race for Education"... her own little ultra! Lily and her classmates will walk a 1/4 mile track for an hour (quite a long while for a 5 year old!) to raise money for art, science and other classroom supplies. Of course as an ultrarunner, I adore this idea to get the kids moving and involved in the expense of their education.
I was saddened to learn, however, that parents have rarely participated alongside their children! I have learned that children will follow our leads: if we care about giving back they will care. If we work hard and give our hearts to something, they will work hard. If we treat our bodies with care, they will treat theirs the same. When our little girl asked me if I could take her to the track to "run the mile" in practice for her ultra, I was convinced. Like mother, like daughter.
I so want to come alongside my baby for this event and show her that what's important to her is important to me, inspire other parents to get moving, and bless this incredible school that has blessed us. So I asked for and received special permission to participate with Lily.
Though each grade will walk for 1 hour, The entire event will go on for 3 1/2 hours and I plan to run the entire time. Though it will be short of an ultra, I am going to run my heart out and really race for education.

Please consider sponsoring me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

MTD final update

2011-04-29T10:21:00.002-04:00

gaaah! 2 weeks from tomorrow is the big day. i am steadily ticking things off of my to-do list. now is the exciting part, when UPS is bringing me surprises each day from our sponsors. i am baking (of course) and planning the after party, making lists, sending emails, nagging people for things they promised me, and trying to memorize everyone's names. last year was so easy, with only 34 bodies to take care of. we learned their names quickly so we could cheer for each one. before the end of the day, i knew their stories, their goals and experienced all the fatigue and strain with them. how will it be with a full house? will they get frustrated through the narrow part of the path when traffic jams are created? will the rain and high winds we've had this week pay us a visit? will the park patrons be a pain in the arse, oblivious to what's going on?

there are small decisions ( should i make pumpkin muffins or cookies? lentil soup or greens and beans for the vegetarians?) and large ones (should we erect the second large tent, which is no small feat, just in case it rains?). the playlist is made, with exactly 12 hours of music. the awards are complete. but the permit isn't here nor is the zillion yards of ribbon i ordered for finishers medals that will all have to be cut and tied. the goody bags sit unassembled, i haven't made the shopping list, or cleaned out my guestroom for all the folks coming to stay. to look at the list is to be utterly overwhelmed, but if i can keep my focus on one task and one day at a time, somehow it all gets done.

for a control freak, hosting this race is a joy and a trial. i can't do anything about the weather or help you train. i can't force feed you or make sure you bring the right clothes. but everything i can do, i want done with excellence. i am lucky to have the help of a lot of great people this year, even more than last year. the most important being mr. viggiano, who has incredible leadership abilities and organizational skills. he will come through on race day in an amazing way, i just know it. i certainly couldn't have come this far, with this little dream i had 2 years ago, without his support and belief in me.

i am excited for our competitors, especially all of those first timers, who will get a chance to really see what these amazing bodies can do. i am excited to get the party started, and looking forward to seeing all those old friends and new. there are still 9 openings, so if you want in - you've got a chance.

a new development that may interest anyone within a couple hours drive, is the barefoot running clinic that will be held at Crossfit 585 in rochester's historic east end. jason robillard is bringing the barefoot fever and the whole michigan militia to show you how bf/ minimalist running is done, and it's free! the clinic starts at 5 PM on Friday May 13th and will last approximately 1.5 hours. CF585 is located at 22 Winston Place in an area of rochester with gorgeous old homes and a zillion bars and restaurants... it's the area where all the cool kids hang out, and a perfect place to find a pre-race dinner if you are attending the race the following day. you do not have to be a race participant to attend the clinic.

perhaps the next time we speak of the ducks will be in my RD's race report.... wish us well. and if you are running - i wish you well.
run on

inov-8 x-talon 190 review

2011-04-26T07:45:00.004-04:00

as i've said before, i am not a professional reviewer, don't play one on TV and certainly don't have the benefit of getting stuff for free like a lot of other bloggers i know. so, i only occasionally review products because i think they are exceptional and hope you will benefit.

the inov-8 x-talon 190s are just about the best reduced running shoe i've ever put on my feet. and i've put on quite a number of them. the problem with reduced shoes is that one usually has to make a choice - good form or good function. up until now i have accepted good form. no, i will not wear something with more than a 4 mm heel to toe drop. no i will not wear something that is stiff or heavier than 8 ounces. no, i will not wear something loaded down with cushion or supportive mechanisms. so, inevitably what i end up wearing is something that either has a poor fit or worse, a problem sole.

i had my eye on the new x-talons since they were being tested last spring. one of my problems with minimalist running is finding a trail shoe that was worth a damn. i have been using the inov-8 f-lites 230s, which are light and flexible but are made to perform on dry grass, hard pack or gravel. in the mud, sand, scree or wet rocks, they are particularly useless. they have the right amount of ground feel for a trail shoe, but when you are racing you don't want to think about falling over in the mud or pussy footing down some steep trail because your shoes can't handle it. however, up until now these have been my best option.

enter the x-talon 190s. the numbers that inov-8 uses in their shoe names denotes the weight of the shoe. the x-talons weigh 190 grams or 6.4 ounces in a standard size. compared to a traditional trail shoe, this could be less than half the weight. it does not go unnoticed. i bought the unisex shoe in my correct size, and i am not disappointed. women will find there is plenty of volume to these, and see no reason to size up. men, may want to move up a half size, or if you have wide feet - skip it altogether because they won't work for you. inov-8s sizing should be described as glove-like, to fit the same way a pair of cross country shoes do. it is the one thing i think inov-8 should... um... innovate. the heel and mid foot fit snuggly and as an extension of your foot, which is ideal in terrain that twists and turns your foot all over the place. but we still need our toes for balance and proper function. while i don't feel squished in the x-talons, i don't get to fan my toes out in a natural way, which could be a problem over long distances. but that is my only beef.

where the x-talon's really shine is in the mud, water crossings, sand etc. i've been plowing over medium sized rock covered rail road beds, where before i would experience stone bruising. i've been flying right through streams, and mud (both the slippery kind and the sticky kind) with not a slip in sight. wet leaves don't get me down, nor does sand. jim and i did a steep hill at ellison park that had to have a 70 degree pitch to it and i made it down the side of this veritable cliff (all sand, mind you) with not a slip or fumble. there is nothing that the deep treads on these shoes can't handle. except the road. running on roads or hard pack in these is like running in football cleats... you feel every lug poking into your foot, and are particularly unstable.

the shoes are flexible enough to be rolled up. and since i am used to a slight rise in the heel, this doesn't bother me, it is quite unnoticeable once you are off road. as for the color, well - it's not very pleasant. it's not quite a fire engine red, it leans more on the side of pale red, slightly pinkish or even (gulp) salmon colored. not my favorite i have to say, but i don't care so much what i look like when i run as long as i am comfortable and the performance is there. and with these shoes, it is. if you got a rocky, steep, wet or muddy ultra in your future (and who doesn't?) i highly recommend the x-talon 190s, you won't be disappointed.

BPAC 6 hour - take 3

2011-04-17T20:32:00.006-04:00

a while back i saw part of a documentary on western states, that followed several people through the course. one subject, however, was a couple. they had run WS multiple times, and always together. i thought this was a very beautiful thing to do. in this arrangement, the ego has to be put aside, as well as the sense of me and mine, and all effort has to be directed towards the team. if one is wanting to run 10 minute miles instead of 9, the team runs 10. if one partner begins to struggle, the other stays with, not runs off to finish their own race. to even set out doing this, one has to lay aside any competitiveness or hopes about individual performance, and value their teammate above all else.

after falling ill with the flu in the last 6 weeks, and faced with weather that'd make dorothy and toto run home, jim and i set out to run this race together. it was humbling to think that after all these years of running, we've never run one race "together"... at least not start to finish, because inevitably one has a better day than another (though on an average day we are quite evenly matched.) since neither of us were feeling our competitive best, we thought it'd be great to just spend the day together and make it a fun run.

ben c., adam "girl coat" peruta, and tom b - pre-race. all awesome dudes!!

the weather forecast went from bad to worse every time i checked it over this last week, and finally settled on temps in the high 30s, sustained winds over 20-30 mph, with gusts up to 50 and possible snow or rain. in fact if you change the rain to 'hail', you've got a winning forecast on your hands!

jim and i went out easy, took measured walk breaks and enjoyed being pushed along by the wind the first mile of each lap. i would let out a delighted little "wheee!" every time a big gust gave me a shove in the right direction. on the last mile however, when facing the wind, the sounds were not delighted, but mainly comprised of grunts and curses. i was so glad to have jim with me. we drafted off each other... but what helped the most was the sense of camaraderie - i wasn't alone in this madness. there is a sharing of the emotional burden there. later in the race, when the wind had taken it's toll on jim and i still felt okay, he suggested that i continue without him. i wouldn't dream of it, not because it wasn't in our plan, but because i needed him for moral support. somehow, i could face the wind with him at my side, but was utterly daunted by the idea of doing it alone.

for about an hour there was small hail that pummeled us like tiny shards of glass to the face and neck. it was truly unbelievable why anyone would be out of doors in this weather, but ultrarunners aren't known for being "normal" i suppose. though the field size was smaller than usual, it was stunning how many serious running folk were out there clicking off laps like they weren't in some hurricane simulation room. very proud of all of the UM club mates, who had a great showing. and so happy to see our wonderful ultra friends. my bestie and my runNYpal even came out to wish luck and congratulate.... couple that with the pizza at the end that has the pepperonis that curl up to make little "grease cups", and it was a winning day.

me and the mister ran 29.25 miles through a cold torturous hell and had a blast. we ran every step together, except the last 100 meters when i challenged him to race me. i won! :-)

now that my 9th ultra is done, i am soooo ready for a vacay, and i am in luck cause tomorrow we shove off for fairer climes. i hope that your easter break is holy and happy, friends!

renaissance

2011-04-14T08:28:00.003-04:00

we were chatting... i think we were lamenting about the size of our butts. going north on culver road, pushing the speed limit to 40 with a very green light straight ahead, cars lined up east and west clearly having sat at the red light for a while. when someone heading west decided he had been waiting too long.

there was no time. i've been in a lot of car accidents in my time.. i used to think i was a magnet, but though i was even broadsided once, it has never been too bad. a messed up car, a sore back for a day or so. but this wasn't going to be like that. was i going to hit the kid or hit his gas tank?- that was the only question. i used the full capacity of my brain and thought deeply and quickly. our trip next week is ruined. my car will be totalled. i am going to kill this kid. why is he just looking at me like he is in no hurry, doesn't he know he is about to die? if i hit the brakes they'll lock up. if i swerve, i'll dump the car. (and truthfully the drive to survive is too strong, in that moment you care more about your neck, and your passengers, than anyone else's.)
he progressed slowly through the intersection, like he didn't have a care in the world. like he was invincible and unaware that he was so blatantly running a light. though i had time to think all those things, there wasn't a second to get out a word. my brakes, notorious for locking on wet roads, somehow engaged. my horn, that works only intermittently, let out it's huge bellow. my hands, afraid to jerk the wheel too hard or fast, moved just enough at just the right moment.

i missed him by a margin you could measure in inches. the idiot lived. my automatic response was to glance in the rearview and confirm that i did have a green light and he had a red one. i didn't just put my friend's life in danger, it was that kid. who didn't deserve to be missed.

shaking and crying i put my hazards on and pull over, knowing how close i came to proving that i drive the safest minivan in america. crumbled front end, airbags deployed, future plans altered and kid in the buick turned into a heap of bloody flesh. 'thank you God', didn't cut it. though i uttered it repeatedly until i felt like i could drive again. my drivers ed teacher used to say, "honey, you have the reflexes of a cat. a dead one." so i know it wasn't me who saved us. thank you God.

when i was backing 0ut of sarah's driveway a few minutes later, this song came on. it is worth it to go and watch this nice live version i found on youtube... i wish there was an embed code so you could watch here. the first verse reminded me of what could have been, but wasn't. thank you God.

This is my renaissance
This is my one response
This is the way I say I love you
This is my second chance
This is my one romance
This is the cutting line
On which I stand to show you

It happened fast in a flash just this evening
I hit the gas, horn blast, brakes screaming
Car crash, broken glass, broke my dreaming
I hit the dash so fast my ears are ringing
My sister's on the right side just slightly leaning
I grabbed her hand hard until she started breathing
My brothers in the back jaw cracked from the beating
The breath in my chest has slipped and I'm sinking
Blinking through diamond spider webs of cracked glass
I'm trying to remember all the words you said in the past
Through the ash, siren screams and red beams
I hear you sing softly to me

I can be the wall when you fall down
Find me on the rocks when you break down
I heard it in the song when you call out
But I got to say now it's got to change

This is my broken heart
This is my bleeding start
This is the way I've come to know you
This is my winding road
This is my way back home
This is the narrow door you know that I will walk through

I got a letter today of why she went away
She said 'it's better this way, you knew I never could stay'
Half empty closets and frames, all that's left to my name
As she left in the rain and left my heart on a chain
Three years I've built this two face tower for hours on a lease
You gave me one yellow flower that said rest in peace
IN pieces I've broken open to think too much or just enough
Alone to trust midst the rubble and the dust
Humbled, it took this much to break down and understand
Spent half my life on castles made of sand
Tossed in the breakers in the palm of your hand
Now I can finally stand

a picture worth 1000 words

2011-04-11T19:30:00.004-04:00

that's me there, on the left. a bit chubbier than now, but also significantly less wrinkled. on the right is my mister, i think he was wearing his bow tie upside down. the photo was taken at our wedding, 8 years ago today.

we were sitting in bob green's living room. he had the cute little gingerbread mansion on the corner of east avenue and oliver street. luckily they had recently moved in and the enormous living room hadn't yet been furnished. they were kind enough to house 40 of our friends and family. savory thyme catered the best wedding food i ever ate- chicken pesto wellington, vegetarian lasagna, cheesy eddies carrot cake.
i was up at 4, creating my bridal bouquet and all the centerpieces for the tables in glassware that i found at thrift shops. we were engaged for 6 weeks. no, i wasn't pregnant... just excited. my dress came from lord and taylor's formal section, my bridesmaids wore what they felt like. the beverage in our toasting glasses is water as jim was 'dry' then.

jim's childhood friend, mike ("skip") just got done toasting us. it was lovely, and why both of our eyes are a bit shiny. i read yesterday on yahoo news that 2 babies (in the birth order) shouldn't marry each other. we should've married an oldest, or a middle... it would have been easier. i wonder if anyone had told us then, would we have cared?
there was no DJ, and people served themselves beers from a tub of ice on the floor and drank wine from plastic cups. jim and i had to clean up after everyone left and we forgot to ask ourselves, since we had no place to live, where we would bring the leftover food to. it broke my heart to throw all that chicken away.
we went to a big hotel. the next morning we got up and rode off into the sunrise to find work for jim. when he didn't find any, we came home. lived in a hotel for a month. bought a house when we realized we had to stay. lived with my folks while we renovated. i had no idea what marriage was about, i don't think anyone does. it'll be fun... like playing house. i'll cook and push a vacuum, you'll be perfect and we'll never fight. but the reality is not so neat. it is called 'on the job training'... the toughest job you'll ever get, with very low retention rate.

after we were done taking the fancy pictures, courtesy of my uncle bill, one of our wedding guests walked up to us. he is an evangelical christian (like us), but spoke very little (unlike us). he pulled us aside and quietly tells us that while praying, he asked God to give him a vision of us. he saw power lines and said that it meant we were going to be conduits of God's love to other people. i hung onto that prophecy every time we struggled. i knew God wouldn't lie. i knew He didn't make a mistake.
He didn't.

it's no secret that i think jim is the best thing that ever happened. God has used him to carve away faults, insecurities, bad habits. i like to think that the reverse is true as well. that we are, as the bible says, each other's "perfect provision". he is a gift i was given, my perfect gift... not because he is perfect, but because he is just what i need and nothing less.

this song is for jim. it reminds me of the difficult young lady, with the bad attitude and the sensitive heart, that invited him into her home 10 years ago. no matter where we've made our house, home has always been with you... and always will be. i love you so much.

"vacation, all i ever wanted.."

2011-04-04T07:45:00.002-04:00

as you've heard me mention, we have been in the midst of a pretty big project, that is rapidly drawing to a close. (thank God) last week jim asked if lily had any school vacations coming up. when i answered that easter break was in a few weeks he said that we should take a vacation.
there are some downsides to being a fly by the seat of your pants kind of family - it's difficult and guilt inducing to seek last minute child care, you have to be always at the ready to jump on an opportunity (meaning you have to be on top of all yer sh*t so you can run out the door), but it is sort of fun to never know what's coming. jim said we could go wherever and to just "figure it out".

well, flying on short notice over spring break would cost a premium, so that was out. driving for longer than 7 hours in any one day was out too because i don't want to waste the time sitting in the car. we had to go far enough south so that it was at least a bit warmer. and we couldn't do any of that boring stuff that mom wants to do - like climb mountains or go sit on a beach, as the other members of this family actually want to be "entertained". so i hatched a plan to visit jim's aunts who live in southern deleware and then head over to virginia to do some touristy stuff there, with theme parks and what not. okay - it's no trip to disney, but we will get ourselves out of the house and spending time together and more importantly - away from the work! the work of putting on a race, of being an electrician/ landlord/ home rehabber, cleaning the house and cooking meals. grandma agreed to doggy sit, the aunties agreed to let us visit, i bought a new portable dvd player for the monkeys and now there's nothing left but the packing and leaving! i am so excited but it means that jim and i have got a lot of work for the next 2 weeks. i have to get all my race crap as close to done as possible, jim has to get this double finished and rented - but it's gonna be worth it when we back out of the driveway and roll away!

what about you, do you have easter break plans? got a big race or a family trip planned?

though the video disabled embedding, it's worth a visit to go watch this old go-gos video. videos from the early and mid 80s have a way of giving you warm fuzzies. it was a simpler time when a gal was not required to be near naked and gyrating away to have a good video. the music was catchy and the people actually sang with their own voices. besides that, they were poorly made on a low budget so they are good for a chuckle as well. enjoy!
click here to watch the go-gos!

free e-book for 24 hours only!

2011-04-01T09:34:00.002-04:00

just a quick message to let you know that jason robillard is giving away free e-copies of his book, The Barefoot Running Book, for the next 24 hours. no, this isn't for the first 5 people, and you don't have to win a contest - it is for anyone who wants it.
jason was running without shoes long before it was cool, long before Born To Run came out, long before anyone had heard of Barefoot Ted. jason is an ultrarunner, who has run 100 miles in a combination of barefeet and 4 mm sandals. he authored this book at the urging of the strong unshod running community that was born on runnersworld.com, and the book has gone on to become wildly successful in terms of overall sales. the book is simple and straight forward and will teach you to run without shoes so that you don't get hurt. go on over to the barefoot running university and download your copy today, before time expires on this offer.

run on!

the ducks (and geese) are returning!

2011-03-28T13:24:00.004-04:00

it is possible that for the next 6 weeks the high quality blogging that you expect from me will slip.

i had the awesome privilege of being re-elected secretary to the board of directors for ultrarunning matters again yesterday. our meeting was fun and it was great to see everyone, but just as one of them was leaving she wished me well and said, " see you in 6 weeks".
that's when i started sweating.
SIX weeks? that is hardly a blink. omg. the race is almost at capacity and there is so much to do. really - a LOT of stuff. like - almost all of it. i've got the fronts of the medals done, which is a very time consuming piece to the puzzle. i've got our permits and permissions. but that is about it.
crap crap crap.

so i am going to go disappear now and possibly only poke my head out of the water once a week. i am glad to take this hiatus and have left you on a high note. if you haven't read my previous 2 posts, about making marriage work - i would love if you'd take the time and share it with your friends on facebook.

the little race that could is chugging along without an engineer and i'll spend the next few weeks racing to catch it so i can give you folks the best darn race you ever ran. looking forward to seeing the old faces and the new. if you are on the fence - there are only 20 spots still available, so make your move by visiting the race site, here.

i've heard canadian geese honking overhead for the last 3 weeks. they're on their way, and so are my racers. wish me luck...

for the gals...

2011-03-23T08:31:00.005-04:00

in case you missed my first post on marriage, "for the fellas", it's here

these problems have been plaguing me lately as i watch more and more of my friends struggle with marriage. we are all getting around that "7 year itch" period when the honeymoon bliss has long since worn off, and the little problems that began as flurries have snowballed into an avalanche. so, though i usually write about my running, mothering, food and the like, we are taking this time out so i can offer some wisdom i learned from reading, therapy and practicing marriage. while i don't claim to know everything about what makes a relationship work, i have found what i think are the bare essentials of marital happiness. many have good friendships, shared values and similar dreams. many have the same attitude about money, child rearing and faith, but for some reason it is often not enough. there are some psychological, emotional and physical needs that must be met in a human being, or they starve... on some level, they will starve. starvation proceeds desperation,and desperation may cause us to do ugly things like find someone else or leave. we have got to cut this thing off at the knees.

do you love your spouse? if you truly love someone you want them to be satisfied and to do this, you are going to have to learn to put yourself in their shoes. our needs as men and women could not possibly be more different, and girls since it's your turn, i'm going to help you see that today. men are much simpler creatures than we are. this is not a put down, it is how God made them. and it's a good thing for us because they are straight forward. happily their needs are not as ambiguous, like "understanding their feelings" and "being supportive", as ours are - our needs may have to be addressed differently on a daily basis, complicating matters. not so for them. and like us there are a big 3, essentials that YOU are responsible for: respect, utility, and sex.

i want to start with respect, because this one really gets my fur up. for a couple generations now, we have been watching sitcom families that consist of the naggy, hen-pecking wife and the bumbling, useless idiot of a husband (ie. roseanne, everybody loves raymond, modern family- to place it in 3 different decades for you). now some would say that i need to relax and this is all in good fun. but i disagree. i have spent my adult years listening to women belittle their husbands behind their backs, rolling their eyes, and blabbing their husband's perceived shortcomings for all to hear. i am not off the hook, i was very guilty of this myself in the past. it is so rare to hear a woman praise her spouse and say how much she loves him that it is shocking when it happens. ladies, you may not feel as though your husband deserves respect. maybe he doesn't give you what you need. maybe he isn't the dad of the year and can be a royal pain in your butt, but regardless of whether he deserves it - he needs it. if you put him down ('but it's all in jest!') in front of your friends and family, if you nag him to do things 100 times, if you treat him like a moron, he will not only be completely dissatisfied with his home life and not want to come home to you, but he will begin to be a moron. expect him to be wise, to be a good leader, to make good decisions and follow him in love. there is a way to disagree without shouting, condemning or belittling, learn how to do it. just because he doesn't do things like you, or think the way you do - he is not bad. he is different. say it with me: my husband is not bad, he is different than me. show him the respect that he needs, and you will have a confident leader on your hands.

when i talk about utility i mean, usefulness. your spouse needs to be needed. you know when you are bitching about your co-worker? the absolute last thing he is wired to do is listen to you complain and give you a hug. his greatest urge in that moment is to tell you how to fix the problem. the same way you need to be doted upon, he needs to repair and solve. try this, instead of always doing everything by yourself (and then acting like a martyr for it) - ask him sweetly, "honey, can you help me with the checkbook/ the dishes/ bath time/ this stuck jar lid?" and you will have a man who is eager to take on a mission. we talked about you needing a hero in my last post, guess what - deep down he actually wants to be your hero. instead of snapping off a sharp tongued email to someone who pissed me off, or taking on a new coaching gig i did something novel: i asked for jim's advice! imagine! and you know what - he had a different perspective on things, and when i am being emotional and impulsive he can often see the forest for the trees and steer me in a better direction. you are giving your husband an incredible gift by taking some of the burdens of life off your own shoulders and asking him to share, and of course as a result, you are closer and your load is easier. duh, wins all around!

sex is another topic that gets me fired up, if you'll excuse the euphemism. i can't tell you how many books, articles, magazine stories or women i've spoken to or heard of over the years who have said things like, i'm just not as into it as he is/ my libido is lower than his/ how much longer do i have to do this?/ why is my husband insatiable?, or one of the worst, i could take it or leave it, in regards to sex. girls this is just wrong wrong wrong, and if you are there or you've been there or you are headed there, you need to put the brakes on that right now. picture this scene with me, would you? you walk in on your husband talking to one of his buddies over beers and you overhear him saying, "i'm just not into that whole nurturing thing. it's not my scene. i just don't like listening to her all that much, but she wants to talk all the time. she won't stop pestering me about it. it's gotten so i avoid coming home after work so i don't have to hear about her feelings. ugh, it's so tiresome." what would you think of your spouse? you'd think he was an asshole, wouldn't you? well flip that around on yourself if you are denying your spouse sex. the same need we have to be nurtured is the same need they have for physical intimacy.
we feel close to our spouses when we talk and share and cuddle on the couch together, but most of their emotional bonding is obtained by having sex with you. just as you don't want him to deny your needs, don't deny his. i know - you're tired. i know - the kids might hear. i know - we had sex yesterday! but i know something else - most of the time, sex is not a huge time commitment, but the rewards are immense. a devoted husband who comes running home after work is the one who's wife grasps this concept. he is married to the woman who will take a suggestive photo and hide it in his lunchbox, who will give him a long kiss before he goes off to work, who will call him in the middle of the day and tell him that she can't wait until he comes home. you are not "faking" anything - you are choosing to love him in his language. if your physical desire doesn't always match him, ask him to "convince you". no, this is not the 1950s - but what is good for him, will be good for you. you will benefit from the time you spend in bed together as much as he will. make it a priority.

make your marriage your priority - over work, over social obligations, over hobbies and yes - over your children. your children are fine, what they really need is parents who deeply love each other. if you are not from a disfunctioning home, you are very close to someone who is and it is why society is a hot mess. the greatest gift you can give your kids and society is to take care of one another, like you promised to all those years ago. don't neglect your duties, cause you're not 'feelin' it'. making marriage happy long term may be the hardest task we face in our lives, but it is absolutely worth doing.

for the fellas..

2011-03-21T14:58:00.002-04:00

"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave." - Martin Luther.

are you married? are you about to be married? or do you dream of one day having a woman clutter your bathtub ledge with multiple hair care products? if so, walk with me. i have some things to tell you....

you are going to lose your wife. or, if you don't lose her she will be exceptionally, deeply miserable til the end of her days. does that sound like a threat? well, it is. on behalf of all the ladies it's a threat. you see, i've learned a lot about the divide between the sexes in the year and a half that jim and i have spent building a new life together. (sidebar: i am happy to report that we are happier and more in love than ever, thankyouverymuch. thank you God.) the things i've learned about myself have been even more eye opening and i want to share it with you, so maybe you can hang onto that little lady, or the little lady in waiting and make her happier than she's ever imagined.

i have a secret: we don't want your money, although feeling secure is a biological drive for us so being hardworking and diligent is a positive attribute. (burying yourself in work and hoarding money, not so much... it's all about balance please.) we don't want you to have a full head of hair, be 6'2", and with abs like that "situation" fellow. (although those things are nice, we really don't care. just don't smell bad, please. ) we don't want you to be a super hero in bed. (please forget the porno you saw in college, we do not want to have sex for an hour. that hurts.) and we don't even expect you to keep your eyes on us when a hot chick in a short skirt passes by you in the mall. (we get it, you can't help it.) there are 3 things we want. no, scratch that, there are 3 things we NEED, and it is your obligation to provide it. we want to be listened to, cared for, and lead.

listening. you know you've heard this before boys: women don't want you to solve their problems, they just want a listening ear and sympathy. mm hmm. sounds totally illogical and just plain a waste of time, doesn't it? only if you call making your wife feel treasured and like the most important person in your world, a waste of time. and no, half a listening ear while you are checking football scores, or clipping the hedges won't cut it. take 15 minutes, with no distractions, look her in the face and ask probing questions about her day. maybe all you will hear is "woh, woh woh", like charlie brown's teacher, but if you try hard to actually pay attention, after those 15 minutes she will feel like the most loved woman in all the world. seriously. that's all you have to do. what a small time investment for an enormous gain. would you spend 15 minutes a day to ensure that you have a blissful, loyal wife on your hands? if you answered "no", then you are stupid and lazy and don't deserve her anyway.

now, the next two are tricky. we live in a progressive society. women are liberated and the idea that we would need anyone is off putting to most gals. but deep down, whether it is nature or evolution or God in heaven - we need to be taken care of. when something troublesome that is bigger than our abilities happens, we want a superhero: you. make the problem go away. when we are hurt or sad over something, we don't want a lecture. we want your arms around us. now. we have to know that you are there, no matter what the challenge. you have to be the soft place to land when we fall. this may sound childish, and in fact it is. i had no idea that there was this latent desire inside of me to have a protector. after all- i am woman! hear me roar! but when i allowed myself to be authentic and vulnerable long enough to examine, i found in there a little girl, who wants to feel safe. we all have it. make us feel safe.

most women would never admit this, and in fact most don't even know that it exists inside themselves. but, even those of us who are natural leaders (like me) want our husbands to lead us. make tough decisions with us, but if we are at an impasse, ladies you should consider deferring to your husband (as long as whatever it is is not unsafe, illegal, or steps on your rights) and accept his judgement gracefully and gratefully. for those of you who believe in a heaven, the bible makes no bones that one day it is the husband who will have to make an accounting before God for what became of his families lives, time and resources. i am grateful to not have that burden. i am also grateful that my husband hasn't mistaken the role of leader, as tyrant. and he leads with an understanding that decisions that seem black and white are, for a woman, often laced with emotion. boys, this may mean that you have some growing up to do. that you seek wisdom and you become a person who is worth following. i say this with no shame, because each gender has strength and purpose - you are better suited to the job and have the necessary skill set. use it for your family's benefit, lead your wife and children with firm, but gentle hands. even if she is a control freak (again, like me) deep down she does not want the burden of steering the direction of your lives.

there is no magic formula for any marriage, but what i've seen so much of, not only in my own household, but in that of others is the repeated misunderstanding of the sexes. you are beautifully different people, and together your strengths make an incredibly powerful team. if you are diligent and live up to your end of the bargain, you can do untold good in this world, as well as live with peace and joy. and lest you think that i am letting the ladies off the hook, i've got news: girls, we have blown it. BIG time. and later this week we are going to take a look at what the men need. you want him to run home to you every night? you want him to keep his eyes and thoughts on you alone? you want him to do all those wonderful caring things i listed above - you've got to inspire him to do it. i'll tell you how in my next post...

Sh*t happens

2011-03-17T07:44:00.003-04:00

like the flu. sometimes you get the flu. and you don't get it at some convenient off season time, like early december. you get it right in the middle of an important buildup, 5 weeks out from your first race of the year.

it wasn't one of those flus that make you pukey, cause you to lose weight and look fab after a few days and then disappear from whence it came. it is the kind that makes all of your body parts ache (including your fingernails) accompanied by trouble breathing, swallowing and all manner of sinus business. it is not a simple cold because garlic, and Airborne, and vicks, a humidifier and saline nasal washes don't vanquish it. and it lasts seemingly forever.

going on day 9 with this flu right now. lungs filled with stuff like spackle. tonsils still painfully swollen. actually ran less than 20 miles last week - the least i have run in a non-taper/recovery week- ever! i missed a very KEY long run, and may be fixing to miss another this weekend. to say i am disappointed and frustrated is an understatement.

but shit happens. the great part is that i am not a paid athlete. really, this is fantastic news, because then i'd have something to be pissed about. CNN is not going to be out at BPAC with anderson cooper filming us running in circles like idiots. nobody remembers or cares how i placed last year. and i know full well what happens when i put lots of pressure on myself to perform well - pain.

the fact is, i could go out and run for 6 hours tomorrow. i keep myself in good enough shape that i could jump into a 6 hour race or a 50k with no notice. not to say it'd be fun or i'd do well, but i can complete it, if not compete in it. so with 4 weeks left and this flu clinging to me like grim death, i will have the chance to practice my yoga zen and just accept it.

but next year i am thinking about a flu shot....

my interview with geoff roes

2011-03-14T12:11:00.004-04:00

just a quick post to direct all you ultrarunning fans over to my club website for an interview i got to do with geoff roes. turns out that our club president knows his grandmother because he is from central NY, and actually ran track for SU. i knew none of this! fortunately our webmaster had the courage to ask for an interview, and he obviously said yes.
proving once again that shy people starve.

no earth shaking revelations came out of the interview except more of what i've been trying to tell folks who wonder obsessively how they should train for ultras. when asked about his schedule/ weekly mileage geoff said little more than, "whatever i feel like doing" and "i don't worry about it." hands down the best ultrarunner in the country (i dare you to argue) and his training consists of "whatever". i am guessing that his amazing performances are apportioned thusly:
40% natural talent
40% guts
19% hard work
1% luck
any of us can work hard, but no matter how hard we work would never see more than a cloud of dust lingering over the start line if we raced with him.

if you are interested (and you should be) the interview is here. huge thanks to geoff for cooperating with us.
run on, friends.

all the single ladies (with babies)

2011-03-08T17:06:00.003-05:00

this one is for you. i don't know how you do it, but you deserve an effing medal. a big giant stinking medal.
every woman who does 100% of her shopping and errand running with children in the cart deserve a medal. the whining in the backseat. the constant sibling fights. the cooking and cleaning up, cooking and cleaning up. the mountain of laundry. the toys toys toys. the homework. the school field trip. the why-can't-my-kid-read-yet? all on your own. how do you do it?

what do you do when your children are sick and you are sick, with no one to lean on? no one to run to the store and get you gingerale and crackers or fill the prescription? there is no gym or yoga class or out for a run to clear your head. there is no end to the work involved, and no break in the foreseeable future. the thanklessness when your shoulders are aching and the drudge of doing all this caring for day after day. not to mention you probably work. and you have to make that work, and not do it at their expense (after all you are doing it for them).

have you thought, before judging a full time single parent, what it may be like to live this life endlessly and alone? not only does no one have your back, but no one loves your child like you do. to sit next to my spouse and watch our little girl do something brand new, creative or accomplished is to know that the same exact emotions i am feeling are coursing through his body too. it is a unique and deep bond that i could not imagine doing without. yet, you do.

why am i rambling? awful day, sick kids and sick mama, errands, constant fighting and crying and jim has been working a lot lately. this is the game, and it is what i signed up for. when we buy a new property, it takes some intensive labor to get it up and running. the man is running himself ragged... forget running or leisure time or alone time - there is no time for extras. as much as i am killing myself, he is at it twice as hard, with so much more anxiety to boot. (he just doesn't have the privilege of doing it all with the broken record of 3 year old whining in the background.) so lately, i have been effectively, a single parent (except for the puking incident on sunday night with maya, thank God he was here for that). i am 100% behind him and his dream, and i am 100% committed to steering the ship while our current project gets settled, but it got me thinking today, about the women or men who have to do this all the time. the ones who don't share any significant custody with their spouse, nor have a ton of willing help from family members.

i am currently sick as a dog. maya crapped in her pants today and decided not to tell me. she proceeded to ditch her panties in the hallway, go over to my clean clothes pile and wipe herself off on my good bath towels and compression shirt. then take her poopy hands and legs upstairs to tear up her room. all noislessly while i worked on a project for UM at the computer. lily and maya fought their way through the lunch hour. i dragged them to the craft store to organize a project and baked good for lily's class on friday and while there maya suddenly screamed about a pain in her ear. her head was hot and one cheek was red. call the doctor from the craft store. no appointments. ask for phone book and call after hours clinic in ghetto, appt in 1:15 minutes. go visit jim for 10 minutes to kill time amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth due to levels of pain and general crankiness. doctor. lily didn't get the sticker she wanted. maya screamed when the doctor fussed at her ear. infection. rite aid. lily rips sticker, demands new one. sorry, i don't carry pediatrician issued angelina ballerina stickers. more crying. maya moaning constantly for pain relief. line at the RX counter. "15 minute wait", we'll come back. grab frozen pizzas for dinner because the pressure in my head is too great and body too tired. home. medicine. strawberry shortcake movie... please oh please be quiet and watch your movie for 15 minutes. this is hard. i don't like this. still breakfast dishes in sink. still pile of clean laundry on floor after 2 days. can't bring myself to do it. but

there is an end in sight. jim does this once or twice a year, with my full support and blessing. but i am in agony and disbelief for women who do this day in day out, year over year - face all this stuff alone with no moral support or physical help. and those who not only just keep em alive, but do a good job parenting them...my hat is off to you.

pat a single parent on the back and offer them a break. if you are married, be sure not to take your spouse and their presence for granted... i know i sure won't.

they lost interest in the movie, time to make the pizzas.

giving up?

2011-03-03T07:39:00.002-05:00

as long as i can remember, perhaps from as early as 7 years old, i have been struggling with my weight. one would think that with all the exercise that i do, this would be a demon that sits firmly in my distant past, but it's not. i don't know what it is - whether there really is a fat gene, whether metabolic disorder is a real phenomenon, whether there is just a right and wrong type of food, and i am just consuming the wrong stuff - whatever it is, it is a battle that i've been waging for over 20 years. even last summer: running 70 or 80 mile weeks, my weight still fluctuated wildly. but this post isn't about what my problem is or how to turn it around. cause i don't think you know anymore about my body than i seem to.

this is about pants.

yes, pants. i have avoided pants with a fly and a number size almost everyday, all winter. because inevitably when i put these pants on - the judgment starts. if they are loose or looser than last time i put them on, i subconsciously label myself as "okay". if they are not, it ain't even subconscious i am just "failure". a big fat stinking failure. what's wrong with you? you are NOT buying bigger pants! why can't you get your act straight? people look up to you! and it just ruins my day when i get totally fixated on it.

so, i started wearing yoga pants, leggings, sweats, jammie pants. i am so that mom. i drop my kid off to school wearing men's plaid pajama bottoms and i pick her up wearing one step up: black yoga pants. i live in the things. recently i bought 2 jersey material skirts for spring and summer. you guessed it - they have a fold over elastic waist. now, when i wear these clothes, there is no judgement - if it is my time of the month, if i over indulged the night before, if i am bloated from a long run - i am none the wiser. the judgement has stopped. and every time i look at my neat little pile of jeans, i run in the opposite direction.

so my question is obvious: am i giving up? or simply opting out? i love fashion, i always have - but any attempt at keeping up with trends and making that part of my life doesn't work out for me. i'm cheap, yes...but besides that it's just not me. being comfortable is. maybe i'm just lazy, but i want to be comfy and relaxed all the time. or maybe i'm a quitter? throwing in the towel on the battle of the bulge. is maintaining a size 4 the point of my existence? if it were, i should think my life were a waste.

i heard a funny line in a documentary movie this week. the gentleman was in his mid-40s and wearing those ridiculous looking sunglasses that go over top of his regular reading glasses, covering half his face. and he said this, "you want to know what the great thing about middle age is? i know how ridiculous these glasses look. but i just don't care."

what do you think? am i giving up on myself by always looking like i am either leaving yoga class or about to go for a run? and be honest - do you really LIKE wearing jeans?

a night AWAY

2011-03-01T07:20:00.014-05:00

if you'll recall waaaay back one whole month ago, my husband gave me the promise of a great birthday present to look forward to in the form of a night away on canandaigua lake. of course, we wouldn't be able to participate in too much outdoor enjoyment in february, but i was excited about being alone without all the summer time tourists.

on friday there was a massive snow storm, so the goings were slow and treacherous, and we did take a short detour to shovel my mom's driveway after we dropped off the girls, but this is western, ny so you just gotta roll with it. eventually we find where we need to be and check in. this is when i realize the first of only 2 minor downsides: the actual rooms that you sleep in are in a different building than the pro-shop/ restaurant/ exercise room. not a problem when it is 70 degrees, but the idea of walking back out into the driving wind and snow with all of our gear is irritating.

view from the deck

we take what proves to be a short walk and head up the outdoor steps, down the walkway to the very last room. i knew 2 things about this place that i could not wait to do, so as soon as we walked in i ran over to the gas fire place and flipped the switch. i followed that up by bolting into the bathroom and cranking on the heated floors.

then i spot the wine on the desk... and it is my favorite type. okay, i have forgiven the snow and the hotel for it's outdoor corridors.

mmmm Riesling

after watching a little news/ sports center combo (we don't have cable at our house. jim is having ESPN dreams while i am thinking i'd forgo sleep and just stay up all night watching HGTV) we get changed and head over to the workout room so we can earn our fancy dinner.

notice the headboard. all the furniture was "rustic" or faux rustic anyway...

at which point we stumble across the other disappointment, the workout room is ummmm... well, it is sucky. the one treadmill is broken. it is at least a 15 year vintage in my estimation, and it's name brand is "Trotter" so it may be even older. regardless, it wasn't meant for trotting on anylonger. there were 2 rusty precor machines and so we hopped on those. actually, we got a good workout in and after an hour i was getting the rumblies in my tumblies. before we left to go back out to our room, we spy a pool table in the hallway. guess who's getting their ass kicked in pool tonight? this girl! and i was excited.

so funny! i had no idea he was doing this

showered, and changed we are ready to get our grub on. the restaurant serves the public as well as the hotel guests, so there is a good crowd. doug emblidge from channel 13 news is at the bar, and we have an awesome dinner of people watching, drinking an entire bottle of wine (oops, did i say we? i meant me), and yummy food.

how amazing is it that i got to sit down with jim and have dinner for 2 HOURS? even when we go on a date, i rush us through it so i can get back to the kids and squash my guilt for leaving them.

french onion soup, an 8 oz fillet, grilled veg, some wierd potato tower and a monster piece of cheesecake for dessert. oh, and heron hill eclipse wine. jim goes for something different and orders 3 small plates: lobster bisque, greens and beans and fancy mac and cheese. carrot cake for dessert. nom nom nom.

only a viggiano gets mac and cheese at the fancy restaurant

what kind of a jerk annihilates their cheesecake and chocolate sauce and leaves the strawberry behind? apparently this one.

back to our room after dinner, where we enjoyed some more fireplace time and the stars out our back window. i ventured out to the deck a couple times just to check it out, but quickly sought shelter within a few seconds. the bed, oh boy - that is the most comfortable hotel bed ever. no contest. maybe the only comfortable hotel bed ever. kicking ourselves for not checking out the brand on the label. the whole place had a rustic, lodge like feel. there were stuffed bears and deer heads everywhere. not typically what makes you think "fancy", but it felt homey and comfortable, but also clean and professional. highly recommend.

in the AM we have a nice big breakfast and before we go get the kids, head to mendon for a short trail run in the high snow drifts. all in all, a fantastic time and it has me wondering why we shouldn't do this at least twice a year for the rest of our lives. a great time to connect with no cell phones, computers, errands or obligations.

thanks again to my main squeeze for arranging such a wonderful trip. love love love

edit: a helpful reader pointed out that i failed to name the hotel. duh. it's the Bristol Harbour Lodge

flow, yogi.

2011-02-24T06:34:00.005-05:00

those are not 2 unrelated nouns, or simply a verb and noun. it is a command- one that i hear repeatedly in my yoga studio. the flow of ashtanga yoga, matches the breaths you take. one move = one breath. sometimes we are moving rather quickly through a series then, sometimes more slowly.

when you begin, you are taught to find your ujjayi breath, a breath that you form in the back of your throat, a forceful breath that says, "ha". a breath that pushes out what you were, and with an in breath, pulls something new inside. the sun salutation encourages your lymphatic system to rid itself of toxins, but for me, it rids my mind of toxins. i enter class as an ant with 3 times my body weight piled onto my back, i leave having left it all there on top of my mat.

a good class is a physical release and an emotional one. enter with bitterness, leave with gratitude. enter with strife, leave with peace. i go to church and there find more of God. i go to yoga and there find less of me.

yoga is not a religion: it is an exercise, a practice, a therapy - bringing glory to the God i know through movement, and slowing down a relentlessly anxious brain. there is more room for grace- for myself and for others. you fall, and find out it's okay. sweat pours off your face, and you have a moment of panic when it feels like the heat will crush you and you have to stop. you have a moment of fright when you've held plank for too long, or utkatasana too low and the air screams, "can't!", but the ground beneath your feet says, "breathe."

my practice started out as a parallel road to fitness, something interwoven with my running journey. but after a year and a half, it couldn't be more opposite. i run with anger and joy and fear and laughter and passion. if running is the mosh pit at a rock concert, then yoga is a simple flute in a darkened room. i yoga with peace and openness. i can't always say i find it, for sometimes it eludes me. i always take something with me, but it is best when something is left behind. and i breathe. and i move. and i flow.

flow, yogi.

date night!

2011-02-21T08:26:00.004-05:00

i got asked on a date! i know it's sad, but us married women adore it when the husband wants to take us somewhere far away from the constant "mama!"s
however, this was no ordinary date, because i am married to no ordinary man. over the years jim and i have gone out on countless dinner/ movie dates... without much success. we go and we do it, but there isn't a whole lot of sparkle. i would keep suggesting it though, because it is important you spend time alone with your spouse away from your children, computer, television and chores.

then we became runners.

and "dates" turned into occasional training runs togetherand racing together, which frequently leaves us childless for one or more nights. there have been other occasional activities as well - climbing at chimney bluffs and more recently wine making and XC skiing. jim is a do-er and as such our conversations flow better, we laugh and have more fun when we are sharing a task. friday night he asked me for a date, that is so happy making i could have cried!

last year i watched a PBS special on the adirondack state park. my bestie has a house (or 2!) on long lake and many summer weekends were spent baking my flesh on the dock, drinking far too much, skinny dipping, being the spotter while everyone else wake boarded and generally have a good old time. outside of long lake though, my experience has been limited. the TV special had me riveted, as i learned about the history and special events. but it was the adirondack 46ers that made my ears perk up.

you see, apparently there are 46 high peaks that stretch over 3800 feet each. A 46er is obviously then, someone who has climbed all of them. as soon as i heard about it, i wanted in. not just for me, but how amazing would it be, when our kids are a bit older, to involve them in this as well? keeping track, writing climbing reports, assembling photos! when can we get started and how can i convince jim that this is a good idea? i didn't bring it up really and it turned out that i didn't have to.

our XC ski instructor is the owner of Pack, Paddle and Ski, and primarily what he does is lead adventure tours around the world. when he mentioned that one of his groups was summiting kilamanjaro this year, jim became interested. this had us looking at everest videos and other crazy and dangerous feats. i like my sports, but i am not too keen on dying while i'm at it.... and i knew that anything that required artificial respiration, pick axes or thousands of dollars worth of safety equipment, wasn't really for me. so i nicely suggested that we try some smaller north american peaks before we head to africa. his search led him (all on his own) to mount marcy, the highest peak in NY. of course when he asked me if i'd summit with him this year, my insides were leaping for joy. i can't wait to go and battle the black flies, and famous pop up rain storms of the adirondacks with my mister by my side! this trumps all dates, ever. period. and i am much more excited for this than any race.

does dinner and a movie work for you and your spouse or are you activity people like jim and i? how do you reconnect away from the noise? tell me in the comments section below!

what I think about when i think about running

2011-02-17T07:21:00.007-05:00

I just run. I run in a void. Or maybe I should put it the other way: I run in order to acquire a void... The thoughts that occur to me while I'm running are like clouds in the sky. Clouds of all different sizes. They come and they go, while the sky remains the same sky as always." -~Haruki Murakami~
first, i have to give credit to my friend angie for posting the above quote on her blog as well. she can be found, here. angie is one of the BRS participants coming out to run Mind The Ducks, and i can't wait to meet my counter culture counter part!

what i think about when i run, i just realized, is quite different the last few months. as it is each winter. my mind has one gear and it stays there, in neutral with the same play list repeating:
i'm cold
this sucks
i'm scared
when can i go home?

with the change of seasons, my zen will return and my thought bubbles will float in, hover, and eventually burst, in the pleasant way that they do. the use of music will no longer be a requirement, but an occasional enhancement. the thoughts will turn to:
hello deer family, looking for food?
what's for breakfast?
i don't mind this hill like i used to
maybe we should climb a mountain
which mountain?
who will watch the kids?
i love my kids, i wish i was a better mother.
God, help me to be a better mother..
and bless Jim with work but not too much work,
i miss him when he works.
where is he working tomorrow?
i'd like to go to a yoga class, can i fit that in?
how's my hip?
left right left right left right
leg swings fine, hip is good
push through your hip, move forward not up
i am a seaplane, gliding just parallel to the water
i miss Long Lake, will i ever go back?

this is just in the first mile. i hadn't noticed it not happening, but it is likely a major reason why the winter running is so miserable. i can't unplug my other senses and just be with my thoughts. i am so lost for this feeling that i do believe i'll be up early enough to do my long run tomorrow when the temperature will be in the high 40s. by afternoon we are going to see 40+ mph winds and falling temps...and no more springlike respite in sight. waking before 3 AM on a friday when i have a full day of cleaning and child rearing ahead may not be the brightest thing to do, but it is my only opportunity for another few weeks to experience the clouds, the thought bubbles. so i choose to run to it, and to stop running in fear from the cold.

do thought clouds happen to everyone, or just distance runners? a friend recently mentioned that he had one of his worst training runs ever, when he realized his music wasn't working. i can't fathom that myself, but i wonder if the best long distance runners are the ones who know how to embrace the silence, and what they find in themselves when they are immersed in it.
what about you? what do you think about while you're running?

valentine throwdown!

2011-02-14T08:25:00.003-05:00

it's valentine's day, folks. a day i have hated since my first little boyfriend in 5th grade, justin k., dumped me on valentine's. and why did he dump me? because he got picked on for going out with me! i'm sure you guessed it- because i was the fat kid. never mind that he was the other fat kid. it is socially accpetable to be a husky boy, you can go on to play football and such. but fat girls... oh no! don't you dare date a fat girl! the ironic part is that he is a friend on facebook all these years later, lives out of state, has a beautiful wife and daughter, and he too is no longer the fat kid. and also, a long distance runner. go figure :-)

i harbored some resentment about this holiday, the "i must be cursed" kind, all of these years, but i was just being a drama queen. (how's that for evolution? to admit i was just being a big stupid baby!) but valentine's day is enjoying new life in the viggiano household. i remember well handing out the little paper cards to each child in class and the red foiled hershey's kisses and those are sweet memories that i want my girls to have as well. having any reason to celebrate is reason to celebrate for a kid. so though i don't expect any silly gifts for myself, nor do i want them - i was happy to let lily buy the expensive valentines with the temporary tattoos and make her some red velvet cake pops for her friends. (any excuse to bake... and i mean ANY...)

the other important, and probably more important factoid about this february 14th, is that the off season is officially OVAH!! it is time, and it has coincided nicely with a brief warm up we'll experience in the northeast this week. i ran outside with no coat on today... the first time since december 4th. okay, the wind stopped me dead in my tracks and there were tree limbs crashing around me, but that was one magical 8 mile journey. when the threat of frostbite is removed, i can deal with pretty much anything.
in other great spring training news, i wandered down to Medved the other day and ordered me up some Merrell trail gloves. i did try on the ladies version, but i was not a fan. not enough volume in those puppies for these dogs, so going with the men's version. alas, i have to wait another week for them, but they look SWEET!
9 weeks until the first race of the year, and though it has been an extra long off season, i am much further ahead than i was last year having easily completed 6 hours 2 weeks ago. i am thoroughly healed from that event and ready for some speed work, weight lifting, plyometrics and early morning runs again. this means less sleep and longer runs. it also means hill repeats and tempo runs, training in wind tunnels and spring rain. it means no hitting the alarm clock and rolling over anymore. no more "i'll do it tomorrow"s.

why do i bother to train? it's not to win, cause i won't. it's not to beat anyone else, cause it's not about them. i train for 2 reasons: 1) i am lacking in the heart department. what i don't have in bravado and tenacity i have to make up for with hard work, it is the only leg i have to stand on. 2) to make the race more enjoyable. sure, i can run for 6 hours on pretty low mileage, but it ain't gonna be very fun. the likelihood of enjoyment goes up exponentially the more i am physically prepared.
so there you have it, now is the time. i am hereby making a proclamation that you are to get off your duffs and get out the door. no more windless treadmill, with restroom 10 feet away. you need rolling hills, gustiness, broken sidewalks, patchy ice - time to man up and get back in the game. race day will come for you whether you are ready or not...

run on!!

brb...

2011-02-11T12:44:00.002-05:00

just a quick note to let you know i haven't forgotten all about you! i have been totally absorbed in race planning, kindergarten stuff, and have spent many of my free hours this week working on some things for the UM members meeting next month. busy busy busy..

so quit moping, and cheer up.. i'll be back next monday with something new and amusing, i promise!

until then, just have a laugh on me:

50k birthday!!

2011-02-03T08:27:00.007-05:00

you must know it was my 31st birthday on january 31st, because i told you so many times! here is a rundown of how the whole birthday weekend played out, for your enjoyment, but the shortened version is: lots of sweets, lots of miles and butts butts butts. read on:

though i wanted to run a 50k so much, i wasn't sure it would work out since jim was working a lot. that's a blessing, don't get me wrong, but it was touch and go. but friday night at 8 pm, word came down that he'd have saturday off (thanks jimmy!) and i was free to run.
my besties are members of the YMCA, and the eastside Y has an indoor track. a 1/16th of a mile, 3 lane, concrete track. yea. most people are probably wondering what is wrong with my brain that i'd want to do over 500 laps on an indoor track, but i have to tell you that for me, the enjoyment level was so much higher doing that then being out in the snow and trying to "survive" or being on the treadmill "going nowhere" and obsessing over the numbers on the screen.

so at 7 AM brian (thanks bri!) met me at the Y to get me in on his guest pass. going up to the track with my little cooler i found it to be deserted and quiet. the track is on the second floor and overlooks the basketball courts, so usually it's all shouts and thunderous "booms", but not yet anyway. the first 7 laps i got to run alone, but that was about it for the rest of the day. one sees a lot of funny sites at the gym. middle aged (vertically challenged) white guys running basketball drills. ( i defy you to watch someone "guard" an invisible player and not laugh.) people exercising in dress shoes, jeans, a fedora, and all manner of other interesting choices. it was a people watchers heaven. that is one busy track that many use to warm up or cool down for other workouts, so no one knew what i was doing or how long i was there. i think there were a few employees who were concerned about me, but no one stopped me. i met a guy wearing huararches who was trying them out for the very first time, and we had a nice chat. LOTS of walkers. 90% of the track usage was walkers, and believe me, those lanes aren't wide. and then there were the butts: 16 laps per mile at over 31 miles has me passing walkers again and again and.. again, and my view is simply butts. lots and lots of hinders. and may i be so bold as to say that if anyone knew i were coming, perhaps they would have dressed more modestly. for the sake of my fellow track users, i properly shielded my moving keister with loose fabric, others were not so courteous. i am ashamed to mention it, but it is unavoidable... there was just a lot of really really bad butts out there underneath the spandex and it was much like a car wreck and i couldn't tear my eyes away. ladies, just because the spandex looks good standing still, does not mean it looks good in motion. it would be one thing if we were outdoors and i passed you once (heck, even i wear running tights outdoors and have no 'right' to), but to be indoors in motion with all of those folks around, well - it's just indecent.

after 2.5 hours of silence, over hearing others chatting and basketballs making that explosive and echo-ey noise throughout the gym, i called it quits on the zen and threw on my headphones. i felt good, and my pace was fine. i walked less than 3/4 of a mile for the whole 5:45, and walked the last 15 minutes to cool down. i estimate that i ran over 32 miles, but one can't be certain how much over. i was surprised by how good i felt and how easy it was. i was mildly nervous that i wasn't ready for such a thing because it had been so long, but my concern was unfounded. i finished in very good form. it was not mentally tough or boring in the least, there was always something to look at or think about and as my pal linda pointed out, there is something trance inducing about the whole thing... it's almost narcotic. so happy to have gotten my run in, in honor of my 31 years.

a few days before my birthday i stumbled across these things called "cake pops" and became obsessed with making them. i love baking, obvs, and i especially love challenges. i made a butter cake from scratch, with fresh cream cheese icing for the first ones (seen below).

then i wondered what my pumpkin spice muffins would taste like as a cake pop, so i made those too. who makes their own birthday cake? apparently i do - and it was a hit. i want to make cake pops every week - i wish i had an occasion to make them for.. i am dying for valentines day so i can make some for lily's class. they are delish, and a perfect portion... unless you eat 10 of them. ask me how i know that :-/

sunday night jim took my extended family to dinner at the scotch and sirloin. i had the best french onion soup- evah! nom nom nom, and my kids were only slightly naughty. my wonderful husband got us an overnight at a swanky hotel in canandaigua that has an attached spa, fireplaces in the room and a nice restaurant attached. so excited! my mama gave me a GC to go get some of those Merrell shoes at medved, as well as some other swell gifts. and my sister got me a juicer! yay! fresh tangerine and carrot juice tastes as good as i thought it would. going to the grocery today for more produce! can't wait.

i think the people at the restaurant were mildly annoyed that we were eating cake pops for dessert and not something off their menu. oh well, it's my birthday!

monday, i was hoping for a birthday visit from my besties, but scheduling didn't work out. i'd had a hankering for chinese food, and thought i'd make my own. pork fried rice, egg rolls, sesame chicken, steamed broccoli and of course - cake pops for dessert. that was all good stuff as well. i had a few nice people remember my birthday and mail me a card, but extra special to me was the surprise gift from runNYtrails... an ultra pal who sent me some yummy treats in a highly decorated box. i said it before: ultra people are the best people.

i think 31 will be a great year for me and the family, and i'm looking forward to sharing all of the adventure with you!

going barefoot with Merrell

2011-02-01T07:49:00.002-05:00

a shoe company promoting barefoot running is a bit of a contradiction. but it is true that more and more traditional manufacturers are launching reduced or minimalist shoes on the marketplace. which is great, as a minimalist runner - i like choice. the problem is, all of them have launched products on an unsuspecting and potentially uneducated public. case in point, at the YMCA track saturday morning i met a guy who was out for his first run in a pair of home made huararches. i asked him is he had heard of the barefoot runners society, jason robillard, RWOL barefoot forums, the various barefoot running books etc, and he laughed and said "no". instead he told me, "i just read Born To Run, and i was intrigued... " blah blah. you know where this is going. the problem is, that this guy is likely going to do too much too soon and get frustrated or hurt. barefoot and minimal running is great, natural and the way most all of us should be running in my opinion. but if we don't take the proper time to learn the hows, whats and whys of it... it could end very badly.

this is why i'm so excited about what Merrell is doing. if you are a hiker or other outdoorsy type you have no doubt heard of merrell before. a while back they hatched the idea to manufacture a barefoot inspired shoe line. this to me is not a contradiction, this is as things should be. i like wearing no shoes, but shoes are practical and serve a good purpose. however, their purpose isn't to interfere with natural foot motion or your stride, it should simply be as protection from pointy things, friction and weather. and this is where merrell gets it right, very very right. not only do the shoes look fantastic (with reviews attesting to the fact), but they are actually taking the time to educate the public about how to do this whole bf running thing. with jason's expertise as a bf runner and teacher, they have produced a series of how to videos to get people started in the right direction. not only are they making a great product, but they are teaching us how to use it!! it's either business savvy, genuine concern or both. either way - i am very impressed. and as soon as my local running store gets these suckers in stock, i'll be the first in line.

merrell's new barefoot education site

i grow old, i grow old...

2011-01-31T08:47:00.003-05:00

well. today is my 31st birthday. and in celebration i want to share this with you. it's not my usual fodder, and yes we'll get back to our regularly scheduled program shortly with a post-birthday report on a 50k, party and gifts, complete with photos.

i am not certain what it was, as a 17 year old girl, that grabbed me by the throat when i first read the following. i am not a huge poetry fan, though i of course have my favorites. i am not one to sit and analyze, but what i enjoy about verse is the quick shot of feeling it gives you. it's like a little line of coke for the creative brain. though the literary critics have fought for almost 100 years now about what and to whom the "love song of j. alfred prufrock" is about or to, i prefer to just read and let the words pull me into their undertow. i suggest that instead of trying to figure it out, you just read it through and be pulled away with me.

the fear of rejection, of aging, of the future.. the remorse, the melancholy, the boredom... the unrequited love, the manic description of a unfulfilled life as it slips away - what did this have to do with my experience of life as a young girl? nothing, but somehow everything. i was obsessed with this very long poem, memorized it and found the words to be so delicious that i would write it out over and over again, day after day in a journal i kept. 14 years later, i haven't thought of it in years. but a few days ago this line, "i grow old, i grow old. i shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled" fell upon me like a gift from heaven. and it is my gift for you. don't try to understand, just experience this with me. many thanks...

The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock
T.S. Eliot

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats	5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …	10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,	15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,	20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;	25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go	35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—	40
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare	45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,	50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—	55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?	60
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress	65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin? . . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets	70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!	75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?	80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,	85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,	90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—	95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,	100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:	105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.” . . . . .	110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,	115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …	120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.	125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown	130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

dedicated to FGF, on his brithday too.

the stone cutter

2011-01-27T08:39:00.004-05:00

today, a simple parable. and my encouragement for the day: be happy with what you have.

There was once a stone cutter who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day he passed a wealthy merchant's house. Through the open gateway, he saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stone cutter. He became very envious and wished that he could be like the merchant.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined, but envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. Soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!"

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. It was a hot summer day, so the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!"

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a cloud!"

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the wind!"

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it - a huge, towering rock. "How powerful that rock is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a rock!"

Then he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the hard surface, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the rock?" he thought.

He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone cutter.

at least they're trying...

2011-01-20T18:55:00.004-05:00

..and it's more than i can say for most.

last night jim and i attended our first wine making class. there was a mere 6 of us, but it was thrilling because it was the first time i'd signed up for something through irondequoit community education that hadn't been canceled for lack of participants. it got me thinking about why.
when the catalogue comes out quarterly i see a host of things i'd be at least mildly amused to learn about: from quilting to candy making, water aerobics to computers 101, ballroom dance to CPR basics... all stuff i suck at or know nothing about, and all things it may be fun to learn. but the classes don't fill. so i guess i should just sit on the couch and stare at the TV some more. is that what everyone else is doing?

my post class train of thought had me musing about my aunt and uncle and their brave retirement plans. when their work lives ended, it seems as though the party really began. i imagine that most people passed the age of 40 (or even younger) spend a lot of time day dreaming about all the neat stuff they will do when they are no longer enslaved by the man. unfortunately by the time the man-free days arrive, most retirees are either too sick or too set in their ways to do anything adventurous. but not my aunt charlotte and uncle bill, who sold their home, bought an RV, and rode off into the sunset. they winter in florida, summer round these parts and in between go all over the place. and living in florida doesn't mean golf carts and early bird suppers: wine tasting clubs, kayaking, exercise, new friends, european tours, cruises, researching and chasing their ancestry round the globe and plain old having a good time keeps them moving and shaking, not growing old with vanna white on the boob tube.

all this was still on my mind this AM at this dive of a diner jim took us to for breakfast. bars on the windows, decades old furniture, and a general "stickiness" about the place didn't make it terribly endearing. the waitress coughed a big juicy one into her hand and then went about serving, with nary even a wipe off on her pant leg. i watched the owner wash her hands under the water dispenser in the soda fountain. the service was slow, but the food was good... despite the dirty glass my water came in. oh sure, i poked fun when we left and reminded jim that it doesn't take a certified food worker to know that proper hygiene isn't being practiced. but after all the jokes he said something profound:
"at least they're trying."

and he was right. more than you can say for most. whether it's being a cog in the wheel at your misery inducing job, making excuses not to start an exercise program, or sitting on the couch letting life come at you through the big screen... there are a whole mess of people out there who aren't trying. for all aunt charlotte and uncle bill knew, they'd hate life on the road, but with nowhere to come back to, they truly dove in head first, not content to pass the remainder of their days wondering. and the woman who opened this new restaurant in the wrong part of town? a mother of four and a grandmother of one... she is most likely living out her own dream right now (and i must admit, the place was packed, despite the questionable sanitation) . at least she was trying.
and you know what is funny, a lot of times, if you try... really try with all your heart and guts -

it works.

america's best lost recipes

2011-01-18T08:08:00.011-05:00

i like how the folks at cooks illustrated / cooks country magazine (also creators of the show "america's test kitchen") have the balls to call their stuff the "best". but how could you not? when rachel ray slaps together her 20 minute meals, is she testing 10 different ways to get a golden crust on the pan friend steak? is she testing it with 5 different cuts of beef at varying temperatures in multiple pans? shall we start it in the skillet and finish it in the oven? if so - how hot and for how long? the people in american's test kitchen subscribe to the idea that cooking is as much science as it is art, and in my tests of their tests, i couldn't agree more.

their cookbook, The Best Recipe, is my cooking bible. julia child is wonderful for french cooking... but there is nothing that comes close to the awesomeness of this book. taking on all the classic recipes from fried chicken to cheese cake, from beef bolognese to apple pie, the editors methodically tested and tasted dozens of recipes before creating a master recipe that just plain works. and not only do they provide you with detailed instructions, but a lengthy back story about what they tried and why it failed or succeeded. for someone like me, who needs to know "why" before following a directive - the book is magical. why should i whip the egg white for 3.5 minutes until stiff peaks form? why can't it be soft peaks? well - they will tell you why. all good news, and all good recipes. i haven't had one failure yet.

so when i saw that America's Best Lost Recipes came out, i had to jump on it.

there is something romantic about antiques, but usually not in food stuffs. my experience was that old recipes made do with what folks had, were uncreative, and anything from the 1950s- 1970s was just plain junk. this is when prepared convenience foods came onto the scene and suddenly recipes called for adding a "can" of this, or a "bag" of that. i figured if anyone could do retro right, it would be the folks at cooks illustrated. asking for submissions from around the states, they tested hundreds of the most promising looking recipes, before settling on this collection of 121 heritage dishes. here are some preliminary results:

Runsas
hailing from the midwest via the volga germans, these stuffed sweet rolls were pretty good the first night... but the leftovers... yes, ma'am!

the filling of cabbage, beef, onions and cheese was better left to rest overnight. the rolls were soft and sweet and delicious with the savory filling. next time i'll make the filling the night before. this one's a keeper.

Orange Drop Donuts
in the 50s and 60s, orange flavored donut holes began appearing in betty crocker cookbooks, the cook's country version boosts up the orange flavor with tons of zest and fresh juice. though i am pretty skilled at baking and cooking, frying is a different beast that i have yet to master. the dough tasted incredible, but i ended up getting the outside of the donuts too crisp and dark. jimmy came to the rescue when he asked for powdered sugar. we suddenly had orange flavored fried dough balls, and i was in heaven. definitely make again...

Brooklyn Cheese Puffs
though we had a get together on new year's, we drank a bunch of wine and never got to the champagne and sparkling juice. so a week later we have a gang of four party while watching saturday night football. i have to say that i wasn't so fond of them when they were hot (likely because i am not a fan of ricotta cheese), but the longer they sat, the more the cheddar flavor came out.. and they were a wonderful accompaniment to the drinks. easy appetizer to make.

Scalloped Carrots
In the 1930s, recipes for scalloped carrots started to show up in magazines and newspapers. considering we've scalloped everything else, maybe it was time for carrots. however, though jim was a fan of it, it just wasn't for me. a generous amount of powdered mustard, made these have too much of a bite. not into it.

Poor Boy Beef Stroganoff
"ooh, hamburger helper!" jim squealed at the dinner table. um... no. hamburger helper doesn't take over an hour to prepare, hunny. but let's admit, there is something naughty and tasty about hamburger helper.. though if we could get it without the grease, the after taste, the salt hangover, and the off chemical scent we'd have a winner. which is exactly what we had here. here's a dish made with wine, fresh mushrooms and parmesean instead of a "flavor packet". delicious... definitely going into the rotation.

7-Up Cake
a cake made with soda... well, i'll try anything once. the interesting thing about this tall cake is that it contains no traditional leavener, but what it does have is 3/4 cup of 7-up (or "natural" sierra mist in our case), and the bubbles do the work. the batter was light and citrusy, but the finished cake was dense, yet moist with a pleasant lemon taste.

the icing was a bit too lemony, almost fake tasting, though i made it with fresh squeezed juice. i'd do something different next time, but definitely make this easy cake again. (yes, i know my cake is upside down. unfortunately it stuck to the bottom of my tube pan and broke on the "top" side. no biggie, just flip it.)

i can't wait to try some other recipes in the book. unfortunately i am trying to cut the holiday weight, otherwise i'd be cranking out baked goods like a factory. for now, we'll spread the joy out. however, so far, i highly recommend, if for nothing else than the joy of reading it.
eat on!

random crap!

2011-01-14T12:52:00.004-05:00

- every day that passes, my kids do more and learn more and i am astounded by watching lily learn to read. it's like a miracle. the english language is one of the hardest in the world to learn, as there are virtually no rules, so it is damned hard to do this... so proud of her. she asked me for tape and paper yesterday so she could "make a couch" for her doll. and she totally made a couch. maya is very fun and very charming but definitely the more challenging child. sadly, she is exactly like me. you'd think this would make her easier to handle, but in fact, since i can't handle myself half the time- it is really really difficult. wouldn't change either of them for the world, though.

daddy takes them for hot chocolate!

- i made black bean brownies today. huh? they contain no flour, and in it's place is pureed black beans. i know, wierd. not too bad, doesn't taste like tacos or anything. though it confirmed in my mind the belief i held previously that all the "light" recipes that fiddle with the good stuff are not worth it to me. if something is naturally light, like say a fruit compote, that's one thing. but i say if you are going to bake cookies or make a bread - you do it, and go for it, and freaking enjoy it. but don't eat the whole darn thing. and eat your veggies. just not mixed in with your brownies. :-/

- my dog has a communication problem. also very poor senses (if he ran away, he'd never find his way home. he can't smell or see very good... but that's another story). if he has to go to the bathroom or wants to eat, he just comes over and stares at you. you ask if he wants to go out or he's hungry and he just stands there, blinking stupidly. he obviously wants something, because... he's looking at me, but it's like having an infant. you don't know why they are crying so you just have to try everything to narrow it down. he's a great dog... but a little tail wag or enthusiasm once in a while would really help.

- race prep is going well. we have 31 entrants so far. doesn't sound like much? last year it took us 5 months to get that many. considering we are 2 weeks in, that is really good. happily headed towards a sell-out..? yes please!

- unfortunately my birthday is monday the 31st of january. this is unfortunate because i am turning 31 on the 31st. and guess what else? a 50k happens to be exactly 31 miles. come on, how can i not go for it? this is unfortunate because i can't do a 50k on a monday... so, though the circle won't be complete, i'll run on sunday. if any locals are members of the Y, i plan to be at the eastside Y running around the track. what? you didn't think i'd be running outside for 5.5 hours, did you? you're nuts! it's all i can do to squeak out 3.5 hours in this weather. i don't know about those people who are running the winter beast of burden 100 miler... they've got a screw loose.

- that's it for now. i am working on a cookbook review for next week, though i want to make a few more recipes before i lay it on you. also, i am UBER excited about the new merrell barefoot collection of shoes. with jason robillard's input, these things are looking absolutely amazing and i plan to use some birthday money (God willing!) to go down to medved and get me a pair in a couple weeks. though my XC flats have served me well for a few thousand miles, i will not miss having squooshed toes.

awesome!

have a great weekend, friends!

it's your race, so...

2011-01-10T13:04:00.004-05:00

what do YOU want?

here's what i know - i can't control the weather. i can't help you train harder or better or smarter. i can't make sure you don't go out too fast, that you avoid the "wall", that you eat all the right foods or measure your fluid intake. the weather, though i pray it is pleasant, is also out of my control. so as RD, i focus very intently on doing everything i CAN do.

i make sure all the permits, paperwork and logisitcs are in order; that there are enough supplies and bodies there to set them up, take them down and dole them out. i can get everyone doing what they are supposed to and when they are supposed to. i can give you a nice party afterward and some awards. but to make you happy and have a positive and memorable experience it helps to know what exactly you would like.

it is feedback time. Mind The Ducks 2010 went off well, and everyone seemed happy. After all was said and done, I only had one minor useful idea to employ for 2011, but I want more. is there a particular type of prize you'd covet if you won or placed in your age group? is there some special request you'd like at the post-race party? (last year someone asked for valium. beer? maybe. illegally obtained prescriptives? sorry, but NO.) anything different on the aid table? music you want to hear played? a sponsor you'd love to see represented in your goody bag? do you want me to bake? cause God help you, i'll do some baking!

for 2011 we'll go with those awesome race hats again (seriously - that is a good hat... it will not blow off your head and has a nice big brim.) as well, the finishers medals will again be tree cuttings hand burned by yours truly. everything else is up for change and discussion. even if MTD 12 hour isn't on your race calendar this year - tell me something memorable that you received (tangible or intangible - such as encouragement) at a race, in the comments below. this race isn't about me - it's about you. so speak up and let me have it!

the ultra bizz

2011-01-06T08:41:00.003-05:00

unless you've been under a rock you know that, for me, ultrarunning isn't just about participating, but i also have the incredible honor and blessing of facilitating other people's aspirations. it all started with a haunting dream i had one summer night in 2009 about a timed race in seneca park. little did i know we'd be here today, with Mind The Ducks 12 Hour in it's second year - facing the monumental task of putting this thing on once again. my body is a complete mess over it all, yet somehow i am still filled with excitement for all of the competitors.

if you've been around long enough you know that MTD is a 12 hour race that i direct in May. a small race, with a tight field cap that generated not a whole lot of pre-race buzz last year... not as much as i'd hoped for at least. then something incredible happened. out of a field of just 34 people, 2 men ran over 80 miles, one of them - mark seigers - holds the longest 12 hour distance in the US for 2010 at just over 87 miles.
at my little race.
i cannot fathom that. i would be lucky if i did 100k (62 miles for the lay people) in that time span. i didn't quite believe what i was witnessing last year, and kept waiting for his inevitable breakdown... but it never came. it was miraculous. and it was fun. a life affirming experience for sure to watch people complete their first marathons, or first ultra. the smiles at the end were worth the hard work and psychosomatic pain i dealt with for 5 months.

you see, i am a perfectionist. terrified of being judged not good enough by myself or others, i expect nothing short of perfection, often something that is unattainable. though consciously i would speak to myself and say, "it's going to be fine. you do your best and forget the rest.." my unconscious wouldn't listen and i was wracked with headaches, insomnia, muscles spasms and random lower leg pains. i suffered for months until finally realizing what was going on and getting a handle on it. imagine my complete lack of surprise when january 3rd rolled around (registration opened) and i was up all night, legs twitching to beat the band and unable to sleep for more than 1/2 hour intervals. i'm a work in progress folks... i guess we all are.

so why continue in this thing? how can i not? the amazing gift of watching old friends and new break down barriers, suffer and fall and then rise and triumph? what a joy! it is to truly live to take part in an ultra. but it is to be on top of the mountain of life to watch friends and loved ones re-affirm theirs. i cannot wait for the hard work to be over, and the day of ready- set- go to arrive. until then, on i press through my piles of work to bring you something simple :
pride in yourself and a wonderful memory.

if you've ever thought about an ultra before - a timed race is the perfect venue to test your legs. there is no DNF, no getting lost, no need for hunger or thirst. for more information about the race, or to volunteer (yes please!) go here

as for me, my ultraracing adventures this year will be more humble than last, choosing fewer races with less weekends away, more time for the family and to hone my "shorter distance" (12 hours or less) racing skills, before i try to go play with the big boys again in 2012. the first? BPAC 6 hour in late april. not an easy race by any stretch, but a right of passage. placing 3rd in 2010 has me hungry to do better this year. i'll do my best...
run on, friends!

2011 new year's resolutions

2011-01-03T04:30:00.004-05:00

we're going to keep it short this year folks. as i stated before, the older i get the more i embrace what i am and don't feel the need to go on about goading myself into a complete overhaul... though i do think it is positive to state your intention for a new year and set goals to attain. so here they are, in no particular order:

1) learn 4 new things: okay, not 4 new pieces of information like, "what is the capital of nigeria?" (no clue. is nigeria even it's name anymore? so hard to keep up with these things..), but 4 new skills. 2 of these will be taken care of imminiently when me and my mister take a wine making class and a intro to XC skiing. i hope opportunities arise and i don't have o force this. there are a lot of crafty things that i would like to learn: knitting, quilting, leather crafts. i like making things with my hands, but i don't have very much know how... i am not stupid and i can learn new things. this must be remedied.

2) running/ fitness goals: run at least 3 ultras, PR in 5k, PR in either half marathon or marathon, volunteer at 1 race, PR in 12 hour, yoga at least once/week, direct a great race and make sure that my running stays a hobby and not an obsession or something that overtakes my life and my brain.

3) grow a bigger garden: jim grew an awesome first time veggie garden in 2010. think of how much more awesome it could have been if i actively participated. we've got to do some tree trimming so our veggies get more sun. got to deter the deer somehow. got to keep the dog from wrestling around in our greens. but i want a big old happy organic garden this year and to feed the family mainly from the market spring through fall. i miss all that gorgeous and inspiring food. the crap at the grocery store inspires me not at all.

4) live like i'm dyin': so many reminders in the last couple days that our health and life span is an insignificant blip in the time line of history. it's too short to waste it. too short to say, 'i'll be a better mom tomorrow.', 'i'll pet my dog more tomorrow', 'i'll call that friend tomorrow', 'i'll stay up late with my husband chatting tomorrow', 'we'll take that vacation next year.' we never know when our number is up, and frequently the things that we waste our time with are pointless and rob us of a fulfilling life. when they are filing past your casket will they say, "it's such a shame, she had so many points in 'farmville'"? God, i hope they've got lots better stuff to say about me.

5) read my bible: i'm gonna try to read it the whole business in a year again. (well, most of it.) even if i'm not "studying" the books closely, just giving it the once over everyday... somehow all the holiness seeps into my brain. i could use a little holiness. and a little more gratitude for this totally slammin' life God gave me.

that's it for this year. it's not a cop out either, these are all things that are important to me: being a good wife, mother, steward of the earth, steward of my body, and user of my time. is there anything more important?

what about you? any pledges to make for the new year?

new year's (old year's) resolution updates!

2010-12-29T13:17:00.008-05:00

and away we go....

1) organize my toter full of photos.
humiliatingly i didn't keep this resolution in 2009, though one would think it isn't that hard: go to michael's, buy photo boxes, set aside 4 hours to sort and DONE.

second failure at this task. chalk it up to being smarter, happier, more zen whatever - when i'm lying in my coffin i don't expect people to be parading by saying, "what a pity. she had such nice photo boxes too." don't get me wrong, being organized in life is helpful. but spending a half day on this task, when i am not absolutely ABOUT doing it, seems pointless to me. one day.... maybe. oh, and BTW: this will NOT be on my list for 2011.

2) learn to be more organized
i don't think there is anything that bothers my husband more about me, and rightly so. generally, if you open a cupboard or drawer in my house, what you find inside is complete chaos.

when the mood has struck, i have turned into a cleaning, organizing and rearranging devil (to jim's utter confusion) but it is still not a daily mindful pursuit and never will be. a big leap of progress made in regards to resolutions 1 & 2 is that i have learned to embrace what i am, yet still do my best. i'll never be like martha stewart with the fancy closet organizers and the lack of clutter, but i try my best to keep the ship running okay. sometimes i ball it up, but as long as it's my best - i have decided to be happy.

3) lose weight. keep it off.
ha! well, the holiday cookies got me for 2 lbs... so i want to lose 7 lbs. 7 lbs in a year, you ask? easy! not so fast... i would like to lose 7 lbs by my 30th birthday. in exactly one month's time.

funny, not only did i not lose 7 lbs in the month of january, i actually gained 8 on the year. only I could run 2300 miles and still gain weight. that takes some special talent right there. it's another project for another time, but honestly i am okay with where i am at, flaws and all.

4) have two 50 mile race finishes, 1 run for charity, set a PR in the 10k, volunteer at at least 2 races
i'd also like a marathon PR.. don't know if i'll have time, though with all the other races on the docket.

didn't quite get there. got 1 90 mile race finish, which almost counts as 2 50s. didn't run for charity. did set a PR in the 10k, and did volunteer at 2 races. no marathons, but i ran 5 ultras, plus many more in practice. was happy with my running effort, but more happy to discover that by the end of 2010 i had firmly realized that running doesn't define me. it's a great hobby and something i love, but it's not who i am. even if you tack an "ultra", "barefoot", or "minimalist" in front of it, i am not a runner... i am a person who runs. i am proud of that fact. and happy that it doesn't devastate me to not complete this resolution to perfection.

5) spend more time being silly with my kids
this is hard. thank God for jim, because he is the king of silly. you know me, i just don't do fun. i'm not a "fun" person, and certainly not very juvenile. but what am i giving my kids to look back on? mom reading stories, mom kissing boo boos, mom putting them in time out, mom puttering in the kitchen? i would rather they look back at snow ball fights with mom, puppet theaters with mom, dressing the dog in goofy outfits with mom.

i am still learning to relax with them, but there have many bouts of the sillies, tickle fights, impromptu games of red light, green light, fits of dancing, hide and go seek etc played around here in 2010. and i wasn't always a reluctant participant. i am learning to be fun, to have fun and to let go the seriousness so dang much.

6) figure out what to be when i grow up
i have a lot of goals swirling around in my head right now, and so does jim. of course they are individual to us, but they intersect with one another in a myriad of ways and will cost time, money, effort, and risk taking. so, i guess we both need to figure out what we're going to be when we grow up.

we still don't know, and if possible it seems we are as confused as ever about our careers or potential careers. what we aren't confused about is that God is still on His throne, and He will still have his way with us (even if there needs to be some gentle arm twisting.) maybe i'll never be anything "more" than mom and wife. maybe jim and i won't retire at 40. i have been learning to accept what the Almighty has for me regardless of the things i want, because he knows what is best.

i think 2010 is going to be a banner year, don't you? why? because it's a nice round number! and because it kicks off my 30s, and statistically speaking - the 30s are a woman's best decade. i like 'dem odds!

you know something? it was. it was a banner year. at first glance i didn't seem to accomplish much, or even regressed. but what you can't see is the growing i've done relationally, and as a person. i've calmed down a bit more, reigned in the mouth a bit more, learned a lot about marriage and friendship and love. more importantly i experienced true miracles. i know that sitting in a mediator's office beginning the process to end your marriage does not have to be the final say in life together. there is One who has the final say, and nothing can stand in the way of His will. i always knew that, but to grasp that experientially - His complete mercy... the way he can take a completely shattered vessel and piece it back together so you'd never know it had even a chip? He is almighty. life is not perfect, and it never will be. but year over year i continue to find that His grace is enough, His provision is enough, and i am enough. i hope that this year saw you achieve a goal, experience an awakening or brought you new wisdom and may the coming year be filled with enormous blessings, lots of joy and tons of miles and smiles.

all my best to you,
shel (who IS having a new year's eve gathering with champagne AND cheese for the first time in like... forever!)

requisite christmas picture post

2010-12-26T10:00:00.001-05:00

i figure this time of year you don't have time to read the novels that i am churning out, so here is the lazy man's version of a blog post... i'll share some photos of our goings on and you can enjoy a vicarious viggiano christmas!

i spent the entire pre-christmas week baking cookies.

i had a recipient list, but i am also a firm believer that one should have cookies around just in case. you never know when a neighbor or auntie will stop by, and it's nice to be able to give them something.

throw some cookies in a tin, and voila! instant gift. for those keeping score i made 4 kinds and lots of candy. the grand total was somewhere in the neighborhood of 400 cookies. thank God for the chest freezer that spent a week filled with grass fed beef/ chickens and sweets!

the festiveness started the week before christmas when wendy and steve (my sister and new brother in law) held the rochester version of their wedding reception. (below: wendy, my mama, my co-MOH, katie and me.)

h'ors doevres, cupcakes and lots of wine - perfect! also, and you can put this one down in the super awesome category, since the original nuptials in september, wendy and steve became expectant parents. I KNOW! squeeeeeeeeeee.... i get to be an auntie!!

christmas came early for me when jim made a gift suggestion that i loved. as a family we all ran right out to the store for some shopping! i got some undercabinet lighting for the kitchen because my eyesight is pathetic, and a TV/DVD/ radio for the kitchen. (of course my talented mister went right to work installing them.)

was awesome to bake cookies and watch Scrooged!

for my part, i had no idea what to get him because jim is not materialistic, but the photographer at the arkansas wedding snagged this cute photo of us, so i ordered me up a print. also, what i really wanted for christmas was to spend time together, so i signed us up for a wine making class (!) and a XC skiing workshop. love doing stuff with my mister, and can't wait for it!

santa claus went bananas this year and stuffed a WHOLE BED down the chimney for my wee one, who was outgrowing the toddler bed!

lily got her own laptop (kids these days...!).

maya and lily bought gifts for each other with mom and dad's help. and lily even made us a present at school.

we had a wonderful christmas eve dinner with jim's sisters and a big family breakfast here. (there are no pictures of either event. i suspect it's because jim and i have been hitting the cookies so hard, we're not feeling camera ready. at least, that's my excuse!)

all in all, it's been a great holiday, and we are still looking forward to a couple more celebrations this week.

hope you are enjoying some time off and had a blessed time of food, family and fun!

thank God it's them, instead of you

2010-12-22T07:36:00.008-05:00

"...well, tonight thank God it's them, instead of you."

jim drove, as he usually does when the family is together, and we went our usual way - right through the heart of the city. most people would go around all of this, i think to myself. most people that i know, any way. on my right, i see a pedestrian walking towards a residential neighborhood. must be going home. to whom?, i wondered. turning my neck to look back as we pass i see her clearly, and i have a trading places moment. you'll have those from time to time, if you bothered to look in anyone's face. if you bothered to not see people at the grocery store as a hindrance to getting at the oranges, or the old man on the bench as something other than part of the scenery.

she was dressed in clothes that went out of style 20 years ago, that are now back in again, but it was unlikely she was making a fashion statement. gaunt, is how i'd describe her, and of a non-descript age. she could have just as easily been 17 as she was 35. was she walking home to children? a man who beats her? her mother's house? were there drugs in her pocket or was she thin due to poverty and hunger? it's cold out, i think. when will she get where she's going and what is there for her? i can feel my body move with hers, each long legged and icy cold step she takes. i feel the dejection she wears on her face, the resignation to the meager life she likely has. knowing she probably got where she is by circumstance. why isn't she walking down the street in my neighborhood, pleasantly rounder, more stylishly and warmly attired, and walking her lap dog for exercise? instead she is here with legs as her only mode of transportation, walking towards the dangerous part of town, not away from it. will she always be so?

these moments happen from time to time if you dare to look around. this time of year we are so busy, we don't raise our eyes long enough to see one another's humanity, yet it is exactly at christmas when we are our most ripe to offer something.

my husband is a landlord, and our apartments are in the part of town where white suburban folks avoid driving. for the last couple of years he has been moved to give gifts to his tenants at christmas. i don't tell you this to demonstrate jim's complete awesomeness(though he is) but to express the gut wrenching feeling of a middle aged man exclaiming with tears in his eyes, that it was the first christmas present he'd ever received. or being called and thanked repeatedly in the days after, when all he had given would have been considered a very humble gift to you and i. so very little to us, meant so very much. just the thought that someone cared to give a gift. absorb that....40 years old. not a single gift your whole life.
jim is lucky, our tenants treat their homes with care and regard him with respect. but while we perhaps feel guilty that we didn't buy enough for our loved ones, there are literally people who don't get any. there is no christmas tree. no big fancy dinner. no relatives to crowd around. christmas, for many, comes and goes as just an ordinary day. for a long time i thought that it mattered whether people won't or can't get out of their situations, but now i think it isn't so important. the end result is that they are still where they are.

while i run for fun, people around the world run for their lives from oppressive governments and militias, or from abusive relatives. while i throw out leftover food, somewhere a small child is perishing with a hungry belly. while i gripe about having too many gifts to wrap, people all around our city have nothing to unwrap. while i moan about having to clean the house for company, people would kill to have a house to clean. why them and not me? because i was born into a middle class family, with 2 parents, who sent me to school everyday and taught me how to work. because i married a highly intelligent and hardworking man. because i live in one of the most prosperous nations in the world. because i can practice my faith, and tell you all about it without getting my head separated from my body. because i am lucky. it's not that they don't stand a chance, but the chances have been reduced to the point that it would be miraculous for one of those unlucky to live my sort of life.

you still have time, my challenge to you is not to pass the red kettle and bell ringer by. to put a toy in the donation box. to give away your old clothes instead of selling them on ebay for another buck. to write a check to a worthy organization. to anonymously give to someone you know who needs help. to tear your gaze off the sale racks and look someone in the face in the next few days. to wonder about their life. whether they are lonely, or dreadfully ill. whether they are poor or deeply depressed. to stop being you for a moment, and wonder what it's like to be them.

though there is not as much money to go around as we'd like at the holidays, there is a gift that is free for all. it is found in a musty barn that reeks of animal dung, and it is delivered on a pile of rough hay. it is humble and fragile, it has no monetary value yet is priceless in it's worth. it is Immanuel, "God with us". when the God of the universe needed a way to reach his people, he came in the most humble form he could - an infant, He lived a perfect life and bore the sin of the world. no, not the world's sin : yours. and mine. and made a way for us to be reconciled to God. though this life is filled with sorrow, want, hunger, loneliness and intense pain we joyfully await a day when all of that is behind for good. at christmas, despite what they tell you at the shopping mall, we celebrate the coming of the Savior of the world. that's my truth. and regardless of what your's is, you can use this celebratory time of year to offer blessing on others. go on, it's not too late.

and tonight while you finish baking your cookies, or shopping for those last minute items, raise your eyes and thank God it's them, instead of you.

merry christmas to all of you, friends. may God bless you and fill your hearts with joy, generosity, and contentment for what you have and who you are.